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New 10 page Script

A

amp

Here is my new short script that is ten pages. I tried to keep it short and sweet and is a new one. I have only done two drafts of it so far. I won't say much about it now since it won't change anything or how you view it but if it's good I'll leave it alone and if it's bad I'll work on it again and again until it is right. I'd like to know what you think and thank you.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B1E89_teazcUaTEweVhiY2dVQTg/edit?usp=sharing
 
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I don't mean this to be cruel, but having read your last several shorts, they're all very dull. I've seen improvement in your formatting but there is a lack of dramatic sense. Quoting Justin Morrow's article:

"Most spec screenplays do not pass the reader. From time to time, my friend would send me some of the more out there scripts he read, along with his dumbfounded coverage, and both were always amazing to me.

It seemed that most of these potential movies had been designed by writers with a sort of narrative tone deafness, an insensitivity to story, or even how people talked to each other; this, combined with a lack of awareness of their deficiencies ... led to pages of contraction-less, expository dialogue about what was going on on-screen."​
Seriously, read books on story. Syd Field, Robert McKee, Blake Snyder et al. give excellent examples of how you should approach story and plot in screenwriting. Especially in a short, page one is the deal breaker. Your stories seem to lead with dull, broken characters which lack energy and distinctiveness. The first page is like the start to the rollercoaster. If you don't get the momentum going quickly, you don't leave the gate. In this story, NO ENERGY waitress meets NO ENERGY man to sit in NO ENERGY restaurant until a NO ENERGY sick guy enters. There is a NO ENERGY conversation about toast. So by page 3 of 9--a third of the way through your short--there's NO ENERGY . DRAMA is ENERGY. I'm not saying this to be overly critical. I've seen you improve in other areas but plot and story ARE the screenplay. You need significant improvement in these areas. You may have a cool idea; but if you lose the interest of the audience, it becomes a moot point.
 
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FantasySciFi said:
I don't mean this to be cruel, but having read your last several shorts, they're all very dull. I've seen improvement in your formatting but there is a lack of dramatic sense. Quoting Justin Morrow's article:

"Most spec screenplays do not pass the reader. From time to time, my friend would send me some of the more out there scripts he read, along with his dumbfounded coverage, and both were always amazing to me.

It seemed that most of these potential movies had been designed by writers with a sort of narrative tone deafness, an insensitivity to story, or even how people talked to each other; this, combined with a lack of awareness of their deficiencies ... led to pages of contraction-less, expository dialogue about what was going on on-screen."​
Seriously, read books on story. Syd Field, Robert McKee, Blake Snyder et al. give excellent examples of how you should approach story and plot in screenwriting. Especially in a short, page one is the deal breaker. Your stories seem to lead with dull, broken characters which lack energy and distinctiveness. The first page is like the start to the rollercoaster. If you don't get the momentum going quickly, you don't leave the gate. In this story, NO ENERGY waitress meets NO ENERGY man to sit in NO ENERGY restaurant until a NO ENERGY sick guy enters. There is a NO ENERGY conversation about toast. So by page 3 of 9--a third of the way through your short--there's NO ENERGY . DRAMA is ENERGY. I'm not saying this to be overly critical. I've seen you improve in other areas but plot and story ARE the screenplay. You need significant improvement in these areas. You may have a cool idea; but if you lose the interest of the audience, it becomes a moot point.
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So if I cut out bits and spice it up with a little tension/drama in the beginning then I'm going somewhere right? I can do that but what did you think of the end then? Did that have drama or something good?
 
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It needs to be more interesting. As I was reading it, I found that I just stopped caring. You more or less could of cut out the first seven pages and had a more interesting script. The writing is so-so, bu the main problem is the story. Fantasy sci-fi is right, read something about pacing and it would be a lot better. The characters are also a problem, they are all really one-dimensional. The have no depth whatsoever. Better characters, better story, and then you're going somewhere. It's better than some of your past scripts but you still have room to improve.
 
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dahwws said:
It needs to be more interesting. As I was reading it, I found that I just stopped caring. You more or less could of cut out the first seven pages and had a more interesting script. The writing is so-so, bu the main problem is the story. Fantasy sci-fi is right, read something about pacing and it would be a lot better. The characters are also a problem, they are all really one-dimensional. The have no depth whatsoever. Better characters, better story, and then you're going somewhere. It's better than some of your past scripts but you still have room to improve.
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OK, I will do one serious rewrite on this bad boy then, try and perfect it. I'll work on the pacing and story first, keep it short and dramatic but not forcing it, and once I get that done right I will focus on the characters with more depth and back story but I will try and not be expository as this can be bad like I was told instead do visuals or find a smart way to fit it into a conversation. So far I cut about three pages already and in a couple of days I'll post a newer version up for feedback, one that has been through a few rewrites but for now thank you all, I just need to see if this is worth working on.
 
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I had a thought on how you could make it better. You should make it so that the waitress and James are a couple, and at the beginning of the story they have a fight. James is sitting there, feuding when Orson comes in, and they talk for a while. Finally, when Orson steals James' wallet, he and the waitress together overcome him, bonding over it and deciding to stay together.
 
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Hey Alan,

I took a quick look at the first page and right away can see that your writing style needs work. I have no idea what happens with the story, but just the description alone is enough to put most readers off.

e.g. the very first line is:

"JAMES, a man in a clean cut suit with polished shoes, sits down at a wobbly table reading the menu while licking his lips tastefully."

-- How old is James? 30? 21? 73? What's he like? What relevance does the table being wobbly have? He "sits" down at the table but is "reading" the menu? He'd have to already be sitting to be reading the menu. "Licking his lips tastefully" not only doesn't make much sense, but creates a weird visual of man continually licking his lips like a crazy person.

Sorry if this sounds harsh but despite any flaws there may be with the actual story, I think you need to read more screenplays to get a feel for how they're written.
 
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The questions I'd ask before all others are: what is the point of the story? What is the drama? Who are the characters? As with the hospital/gold script, the setting doesn't seem to be real, the characters don't seem to have any motives, and the whole thing seems to be little more than a build up to the fight scene. At least the gold one had a central source of conflict.

Sorry if that sounds harsh, but I'm just being honest.
 
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maz said:
The questions I'd ask before all others are: what is the point of the story? What is the drama? Who are the characters? As with the hospital/gold script, the setting doesn't seem to be real, the characters don't seem to have any motives, and the whole thing seems to be little more than a build up to the fight scene. At least the gold one had a central source of conflict.

Sorry if that sounds harsh, but I'm just being honest.
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I put in why they're all there in the script. Things are being hinted at and I don't want to dumb it down. The main things is, is that the man Orson is a pick-pocketer who wants people's wallet while James wants to have a nice dinner, the Sick Man wants to get rid of his cold and the Waitress wants to impress Orson 'cause she likes him. I don't think I need to spell it out as it would be spoon feeding people.
 
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ScriptReaderPro said:
Hey Alan,

I took a quick look at the first page and right away can see that your writing style needs work. I have no idea what happens with the story, but just the description alone is enough to put most readers off.

e.g. the very first line is:

"JAMES, a man in a clean cut suit with polished shoes, sits down at a wobbly table reading the menu while licking his lips tastefully."

-- How old is James? 30? 21? 73? What's he like? What relevance does the table being wobbly have? He "sits" down at the table but is "reading" the menu? He'd have to already be sitting to be reading the menu. "Licking his lips tastefully" not only doesn't make much sense, but creates a weird visual of man continually licking his lips like a crazy person.

Sorry if this sounds harsh but despite any flaws there may be with the actual story, I think you need to read more screenplays to get a feel for how they're written.
Click to expand...

The wobbly table comes up later in the story as he brings it up to the Waitress. I'll read other scripts then, thank you.
 
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maz said:
The questions I'd ask before all others are: what is the point of the story? What is the drama? Who are the characters? As with the hospital/gold script, the setting doesn't seem to be real, the characters don't seem to have any motives, and the whole thing seems to be little more than a build up to the fight scene. At least the gold one had a central source of conflict.

Sorry if that sounds harsh, but I'm just being honest.
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amp said:
I put in why they're all there in the script. Things are being hinted at and I don't want to dumb it down. The main things is, is that the man Orson is a pick-pocketer who wants people's wallet while James wants to have a nice dinner, the Sick Man wants to get rid of his cold and the Waitress wants to impress Orson 'cause she likes him. I don't think I need to spell it out as it would be spoon feeding people.
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Maz really identifies the key issues that I would also urge you to address. Unfortunately, what I see as an outsider is that your dialogue spoon feeds the viewer with what is easily seen and provides no hints why any of these characters would be in the diner or do what they're doing. I'm dumbfounded how a simple argument escalated to a hostage situation that ends in a death. It was pointless and unrealistic. The dialogue and action don't support the escalation.
amp said:
OK, I will do one serious rewrite on this bad boy then, try and perfect it. I'll work on the pacing and story first, keep it short and dramatic but not forcing it, and once I get that done right I will focus on the characters with more depth and back story but I will try and not be expository as this can be bad like I was told instead do visuals or find a smart way to fit it into a conversation. So far I cut about three pages already and in a couple of days I'll post a newer version up for feedback, one that has been through a few rewrites but for now thank you all, I just need to see if this is worth working on.
Click to expand...
The beginning is much tighter. What is your story? Your script describes a series of events with nothing really unifying. In a nutshell, three guys (pickpocket, sick guy, dupe) come into a restaurant. One of them ends up dead in a scuffle. That's not a story but a loose series of events. Story is less about the sequence of events and more about the meaning/context that drives the dynamics of the events. You can't have drama without focusing on the characters. It's the characters that provide the e-motions (energy in motion). Also the dialogue is not very relevant in places.

Re-writing the same piece will not improve it in this case. You're stuck in a loop. You need to jump the track, which means adding to your writing skill set. If you're willing to accept some guidance and training, I might be able to help you jump the track.

When starting to write, it helps to have a clear idea of the plot, characters, and motivations. An exercise I do with my students is to have them write their idea in three to six sentences, the entire story from start to finish. They then have to write in two or three words about what each character must/will learn. A story is about dynamics and transformation. Then using only two emotion words, what the audience should feel in the beginning and how they should feel at the end of your short. Do that with this script. Post it here and we'll move to the next step.
 
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I just need to point out first of all that no one dies and there is no argument. Simply a man gets caught trying to take money to pay for his own bill, then while being given out to he spots the pickpocketer and the pickpocketer doesn't want to get caught so he'll do anything to get away.

Now away from that point, what I'm thinking of doing now is to maybe write out that the pick-pocketer will go in, look at the food hungry and check his pockets to show that he has no money in them so it shows the pick-pocketer as a homeless poor man who is hungry and then the story goes on, and when he is caught I might do a quick flashback showing a prison then back to him again to show that if he gets caught, prison is in store for him and he doesn't want that. If I do that then I'll have to change his name 'cause when he shows the name in the registrations book, it could now seem like he is lying. I might simply call him the pick-pocketer and describe a piece of his clothing as being tattered and worn in a place. What do you think of that?

The main motivation for this man is to have food to eat and money to have so that's why he takes the wallets. The other characters simply want to eat dinner, get rid of a cold and to impress someone.
 
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That does help improve Orson's character a little bit, but you should try to avoid flashbacks in a short film if possible. Do you have a treatment we could see? I think it would help your story if you would let us look at that.
 
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amp said:
I just need to point out first of all that no one dies and there is no argument. Simply a man gets caught trying to take money to pay for his own bill, then while being given out to he spots the pickpocketer and the pickpocketer doesn't want to get caught so he'll do anything to get away.

Now away from that point, what I'm thinking of doing now is to maybe write out that the pick-pocketer will go in, look at the food hungry and check his pockets to show that he has no money in them so it shows the pick-pocketer as a homeless poor man who is hungry and then the story goes on, and when he is caught I might do a quick flashback showing a prison then back to him again to show that if he gets caught, prison is in store for him and he doesn't want that. If I do that then I'll have to change his name 'cause when he shows the name in the registrations book, it could now seem like he is lying. I might simply call him the pick-pocketer and describe a piece of his clothing as being tattered and worn in a place. What do you think of that?

The main motivation for this man is to have food to eat and money to have so that's why he takes the wallets. The other characters simply want to eat dinner, get rid of a cold and to impress someone.
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Going back to the unrealistic setting point that I made before, what sort of place is this where people go for sandwiches and toast from a wobbly table (a cafe, basically, or a canteen), but that requires reservations? It seems that you need a food place, but you want it to have a reservations book too, so you just chucked both in there.

Similarly, if Orson is homeless, penniless and destitute, why is the waitress so eager to impress him? And coughing and spluttering does not constitute characterisation :)
 
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maz said:
Going back to the unrealistic setting point that I made before, what sort of place is this where people go for sandwiches and toast from a wobbly table (a cafe, basically, or a canteen), but that requires reservations? It seems that you need a food place, but you want it to have a reservations book too, so you just chucked both in there.

Similarly, if Orson is homeless, penniless and destitute, why is the waitress so eager to impress him? And coughing and spluttering does not constitute characterisation :)
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It's set in a restaurant during lunch time. And I could write that Orson is a good looking man.

I'm also now going to write out the all of these character's traits and show them doing something that shows that trait. It's something I've never done before in my scripts and something I should of done. That way I'll have character to add to this instead of flatness.
 
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The "plot" is way over complicated for the length you are trying to work with.

You don't have time for back story. You don't really have time for character development (beyond maybe one character and and we better learn a lot very quickly just from his dress, mannerisms, etc...)

I'd simplify, a lot.
 
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Gonzo_Entertainment said:
The "plot" is way over complicated for the length you are trying to work with.

You don't have time for back story. You don't really have time for character development (beyond maybe one character and and we better learn a lot very quickly just from his dress, mannerisms, etc...)

I'd simplify, a lot.
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I'll give it a try anyway. It might work under 20 pages but all I'll have to do is write in a few moments for the other characters at the beginning doing something that shows a certain trait and then at the end I'll mix it up a bit, giving some of them a stronger trait that overcomes the one shown at the beginning while leaving only one of them being a fearful scaredy cat.
 
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Good direction. In screenwriting it's about WHO it happens to much more than WHAT happens.

In my experience, in shorts you have to be super detail oriented on all the visual aspects that expose character. I have to look at a character on screen (and listen of course) and within about a minute know who/what I THINK that person is. Now you can twist that, but there isn't time for a lot of subtlety.
 
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amp said:
It's set in a restaurant during lunch time.
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Maybe I just don't get out enough, but I don't know anyone who would make a reservation at a restaurant to go and eat a piece of toast (or toast and marmalade) for lunch alone. Maybe there are people like that, but it's something I've never encountered. A cafe, certainly, or a "greasy spoon", but then there would be no need for reservations. It's just a weird mismatch, like a designer shoe shop selling steel-toed work boots.
 
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