Short film screenplay (8 pages) - feedback

The good news: you have a beginning, a middle, and an end. You also have a theme, a conflict and a resolution.

The bad news: your dialogue is on the nose. By "on the nose," I mean like a sledge-hammer on the nose. It doesn't work, it's not natural, people don't talk to each other like that. Plus, film is a visual medium and you have almost no visual interest. An old man (and his voices) sitting in a car with his grandson, talking to themselves.

There are other problems, but these are the major ones.

Thanks for your comments and advice. As you like the theme then I guess that is one thing taken care of. I will concentrate on the dialouge and sprucing up the action, probably adding more bod language into it.

I think I might do it so that the grandson doesn't say much, but when he realize his granddad is going to do something crazy, then he embraces him. For the granddad I will make him speak less and let the voices be more of the central voice of the story. What do you think?

I knew this one was going to be hardest out of the ones I am writing because it is character driven. The others are action orientated with not much dialogue.

Pretty good. Goes on and on a bit. And the grandson just watches as the man wants to stab himself? Maybe instead of sitting in a car have the granddad go to get a screwdriver and the grandson decides to go after him as he seemed so weird. Then being able to save him thanks to his superb intuition.

Thanks filman. Actually what I am going to do is let the Grandad step out of the car. He will lean against the car and wonder how he can stop the voice. When the voice tells him to kill himself, the granddad walks away from the car. Grandson in the car wonders to himself where his granddad is going. Granddad walks up to a large rock and kneels by it. Grandson wonders why he is kneeling by a rock and gets out of the car. When Granddad starts smacking his head against the rock, grandson run towards him. He pulls Granddad backwards to the floor, seeing his head covered in blood. Grandson runs back to car to get the first aid kit from the trunk. Granddad uses all his strength to kneel by the rock. He says goodbye to his cruel life and is about to hit his head... but grandson leaps towards him and pushes him towards the ground. He embraces his granddad, wanting him to stop, when granddad sees his teary grandson and realise that someone does love him. The voices goes. Then cuts to show grandson patching up his granddad's forehead. He sees the moon. Then end it how I ended it in the script where they see the moon together.

That way I can get more action and create bit more suspense. But like Adeimantus says, I need to also improve on my dialogue. Hopefully my rewrite is an improvement which I'm working on now.

Okay, here is a rewrite version. I have changed some things around. Hopefully the dialogue is improved and that there is more action. I'm not sure if I need to work on my writing style for the action, but if so let me know. Other than that, tell me what you think of the newer version.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B9fYr7OO7muOMHB0WEZLMkNwejA/view?usp=sharing

EDIT:

Okay, below is the second short script I have written. It is a horror where the title kind of explains itself. CHASE IN THE WOODS. The screenplay is only 6 pages but in terms of time, it is definitely longer than 6 minutes with the action included. The whole story takes place at the point of view of one person. Tell me what you think.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B9fYr7OO7muOVy16eEE5aTVzdTg/view?usp=sharing

Thanks

Okay, this struck me as very odd. If he's deaf, how does he hear his grandson? For 20 odd years, granddad has never said anything to his wife? It just all seems a bit contradictory. The premise of a deaf man hearing voices could be interesting but should be approached differently to address those two huge plot problems. It might help if all the communication between granddad and the boy was in sign language. I thought it odd that the family left him. The family is almost superfluous. You really only need the granddad and grandson. Possibly the grandma or the mother who needs to leave to go to the store. (Filming in a car can be awkward btw if you're planning on shooting this yourself. Lots of reflections, lighting and sound issues if done outside.)

* VOICES: You're no good.
* Granddad: (to voices): Leave me alone. (to grandson): Nobody wants me
* Grandson: Don't say that granddad. You're wrong!
*
***** Repeat for 8 pages

It was rather repetitive and didn't hold my attention. Perhaps a bolder imagining is called for. Take him out of the car where he can see things while the voice speak to him. Make it more difficult for his grandson to find him. They need to do more than whine.

Hi FantasySci,

Thanks for you comments. He can't hear his grandson. Grandson is just muttering to himself or reacting, but granddad cannot hear him.

The voices are a recent thing. Tbh it is based on my granddad who suddenly started hearing voices after his failed cochlear implants. He has been deaf for 40 years but started hearing voices last year. The idea of the car was because I had to deal with him in the car. Obviously he didn't try to kill himself, but I always wondered how hard his life has been. To me even though he was deaf, he was still an ordinary granddad. But now you look at him and he's a mental frail man.

So okay I need to change the setting and story a little to make it seem more interesting. I will do it like this:

- They're at home, family leaves house to go to somebody's house. Grandson stays home with granddad who is all alone in bedroom.
- When they leave, I will do a voice over from grandson where he leads us in to the story, stating that after his granddad failed implants, he has started hearing voices in his head, and so hasn't left his room.
- Grandson hears a scream from the bedroom, he bursts inside and tries to comfort a raging granddad... then from there is where we get the granddad stating how the voices is causing him discomfort and loneliness.
- Grandson takes him by the hand and leads him to the living room. He sits granddad on the sofa. The phone rings, grandson answers the phone in the kitchen. In the meantime, granddad heads outside. Grandson notices this but stays on the phone.
- Granddad sits on the porch, clutching his head. Voice tells him to kill grandson.
- Granddad goes to kitchen and grabs a mug and smacks grandson round the back of the head, knocking him unconscious.
- Granddad grabs a knife from the kitchen, voice tells him to kill him. Granddad goes over to grandson and raises the knife, but manages to stop himself.
- Granddad ambles round, clutching his head, wanting to get rid of the voice. Granddad believes he has to drag the voice out of his head. Grandad uses the knife to start slicing his forehead.
- Grandson wakes up and after seeing Granddad, leaps up and stops him, throwing the knife away and pushing him to the ground.
- Granddad is shocked that grandson loves him and believes he is actually loved. Voice disappears.
- Grandson patches Granddad up. He looks through the window and sees the clear moon.
- They sit on the porch, watching the moon in clear view with teary granddad resting on grandson.

There... how about that? I will start writing it in 30 mins, just finishing off a short screenplay horror which I will post on this thread in half an hour. The horror is a bit easier for me to write, this is a bit harder. Watch I will say this and then I bet you the horror is wrong lol. I will post the horror screenplay in my post above, below the link of this screenplay.

EDIT: Included the horror script in the post above, a link directed to it.

carlbrooks said:

Hi FantasySci,
Thanks for you comments. He can't hear his grandson. Grandson is just muttering to himself or reacting, but granddad cannot hear him.

Click to expand...

Okay. That's not clear. Which is probably why it reads too on-the-nose to Adeimantus and me. The granddad's and grandson's wording almost match each other suggesting a conversation.

carlbrooks said:

The voices are a recent thing. Tbh it is based on my granddad who suddenly started hearing voices after his failed cochlear implants. He has been deaf for 40 years but started hearing voices last year. The idea of the car was because I had to deal with him in the car. Obviously he didn't try to kill himself, but I always wondered how hard his life has been. To me even though he was deaf, he was still an ordinary granddad. But now you look at him and he's a mental frail man.

Click to expand...

I appreciate that this is a real event you both have had to live through. What you need to realize is that life experience is backstory to which only you as the writer are privvy. As such, there are gaps which your mind fills in automatically knowing the full story. However, what the reader/viewer sees is a very flat, black-and-white version of a color-rich 3D life event. Your script has to provide that color and depth through development. Your brain is seeing your script in HD with 3D glasses. The rest of us are only seeing a 25" black and white.

carlbrooks said:

So okay I need to change the setting and story a little to make it seem more interesting. I will do it like this:

- They're at home, family leaves house to go to somebody's house. Grandson stays home with granddad who is all alone in bedroom.
- When they leave, I will do a voice over from grandson where he leads us in to the story, stating that after his granddad failed implants, he has started hearing voices in his head, and so hasn't left his room.
- Grandson hears a scream from the bedroom, he bursts inside and tries to comfort a raging granddad... then from there is where we get the granddad stating how the voices is causing him discomfort and loneliness.
- Grandson takes him by the hand and leads him to the living room. He sits granddad on the sofa. The phone rings, grandson answers the phone in the kitchen. In the meantime, granddad heads outside. Grandson notices this but stays on the phone.
- Granddad sits on the porch, clutching his head. Voice tells him to kill grandson.
- Granddad goes to kitchen and grabs a mug and smacks grandson round the back of the head, knocking him unconscious.
- Granddad grabs a knife from the kitchen, voice tells him to kill him. Granddad goes over to grandson and raises the knife, but manages to stop himself.
- Granddad ambles round, clutching his head, wanting to get rid of the voice. Granddad believes he has to drag the voice out of his head. Grandad uses the knife to start slicing his forehead.
- Grandson wakes up and after seeing Granddad, leaps up and stops him, throwing the knife away and pushing him to the ground.
- Granddad is shocked that grandson loves him and believes he is actually loved. Voice disappears.
- Grandson patches Granddad up. He looks through the window and sees the clear moon.
- They sit on the porch, watching the moon in clear view with teary granddad resting on grandson.

Click to expand...

I think this is a major step forward. I would avoid using the grandson to expound on the condition. Just make it casual. Have the grandmother/mother tell the grandson "not to pay any mind to the granddad hearing voices. We should be back soon." That's probably enough. When he goes into to his granddad, he might see him fiddling with his ears. Then the grandson can remark something like "Are your implants acting up again?" Those two pieces are enough for the audience to clue in without lots of exposition. There is so much voiceover in this script, you don't want to add one for the grandson. It's overkill. But I think that you've taken a real event and made it more compelling. Screenwriting is not about conveying the ordinary but bringing out the extraordinary in everyday situations.

Some helpful articles:

How to Write Great Dialogue
http://reelauthors.com/script-analysis-coverage/how-to-write-great-dialogue.php

'On-the-nose' Dialogue
http://reelauthors.com/script-analysis-coverage/on-the-nose-dialogue.php

Expositional Dialogue
http://reelauthors.com/script-analysis-coverage/expositional-dialogue.php

How to Create Great Characters
http://reelauthors.com/script-analysis-coverage/how-to-create-great-characters.php

Thank you Fantasy Sci Fi and IndiePaul for your posts, very helpful and I believe it will really help improve the script

Heres the link for the revised short screenplay as well as the horror short screenplay I wrote:

Revised short screenplay: https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B9fYr7OO7muOOEYzWURrYnZCaFE/view?usp=sharing

Horror screenplay: https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B9fYr7OO7muOVy16eEE5aTVzdTg/view?usp=sharing

This is much better but you're having a problem with dialogue. Let me give you a quick example.
Granddad's dialogue has a couple flags for me. "These voices" suggest more than one, then he says "it", "a ghost" suggesting one voice. The viewer 'hears' one voice. Be consistent. Is it one voice or many. The next flag is granddad responding to Christopher but not the voice. In these cases, a person experiencing a psychotic episode would be responding to the voice predominantly. Often what is not said is as powerful as what is.
You have an opportunity for character development through visuals. I'd start that from page one. What is seen often more important than what is said. Films are very Gestalt. Help us feel it with the granddad by describing what we see. Don't say it. Show us how he's suffering, don't say it.
Since he's alone, it's obvious that it's to himself, you don't need to include the parenthetical. But more to the point, this dialogue is too expository and on-the-nose. Good dialogue hints and uses the audience's experience to fill in the gaps.
You've done a good job. Just subtle tweaks to the action statements will allow you to pare back expository dialogue and add dimension to the characters and the scene. I really like the way you follow up with Christopher giving him the medicine. As a clinically trained therapist, I've worked with individuals who have voices and delusions. The voices often speak, not just spit out words. Rather than have it repeat over and over "Crazy. mental. delusional. lonely. madness. hated. insane. etc." give it messages. My advice is the VOICE IS A CHARACTER TOO. For schizophrenics, these voices are separate personalities. Use the voice to coax, cajole and manipulate granddad. It reacts to Chris because it feels threatened.

Don't have granddad repeat everything that voice says. Only one of them needs to say it. DON'T REPEAT what's already been said. We know granddad wants it out and can't take it. Let them have conversations. Shift to describing it visually and let the Voice give some varied messages. Silence is powerful. DON'T DO VOICEOVER WITH GRANDDAD! The message will be more powerful if the Voice is the only voiceover. You need to trust me on this. Since granddad (and audience) hear the voice as VO, having his own voice as VO will really confuse the audience.

Stylistically, you overuse caps. Laughter is a natural response. It doesn't need caps anywhere in your script. CAPS should be used very sparingly. And some readers would prefer you not use them at all. There are no firm rules. However, in your script, there is nothing that justifies using them. Your sluglines should include the time of day: INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT.

I think this second version is much better than the first and has shown really good choices and development. I don't mean to sound critical. I want to emphasize that so much of this story is carried by the visuals, actors and the character of the Voice so the dialogue needs to be clean. That final dialogue really needs to be powerful, and right now it feels muddy. In writing dialogue, less is better. As you balance dialogue and action, the pacing should adjust. It drags a bit due to the unevenness.

Overall, I feel you did a good job. You have a good feel for story. It has the makings of a good short as it has evolved. It shares aspects of de Maupassant's "The Horla". Good luck!

@FantasySciFi

I don't know how much appreciation I can express in words for the time and effort you have put to give me solid advice on my screenplay, thank you very much.

I am trying to impress a director who is looking for a writer collaborator and this is my first screenplay so if it does get chosen and produce, I will make sure that your name will be mentioned as a special thanks for your generous advice.

I will make sure that the third attempt will be solid for your liking thanks to the tips you gave me.

Thank you very much

Has anyone read the "Chase in the Woods" short screenplay?

I just wanted to know if anyone has any thoughts on the second short script I posted on this thread (post #6) titled "Chase in the Woods"). A 6 page horror (which will probably last about 10 minutes if filmed because of the action.