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EGYPTIAN GOLD (143pages)... is this too much info?...

The whole of Egypt mourns his death.
EGYPT
“Let 10,000 men die before our Magnificent PHARAOH!”
INT. KARNAK TEMPLE -DAY - MOMENTS LATER
Karnak Temple, more than two thousand feet in length and one thousand feet in width with living quarters throughout, is slightly smaller than the Pharaohs palace.
Wide paved roads led to the temples made of stone. The immediate entrance was lined with statues, consisting of sphinxes and other religious animals.
Two granite obelisks stand before the front wall which formed two high tower like buildings, called pylons.
Behind the pylons came a large court made of mud bricks where a congregation assembled attending the church service.
The chief entrance to the Temple looked to the east; while the Holy Chambers at the upper end of the landscape approached the Nile.
Hundreds of students sit in the hall of priests receiving instruction.
Following the hall of the priests, hidden at the end of a long dark torch lit path came the final chamber, called the Adyum (ADD-E-UM).
The shrine and the home of the Gods.
The temple guards stand at constant attention.

This is how it looks in my head..is it necessary or would shortening the descriptions help or hurt?
 
Ready for a little screenwriting lesson?

When you write; INT. KARNAK TEMPLE – DAY everything under that slugline
is what is seen on screen.

Are you telling us that “Wide paved roads lead to temples of stone” are inside
the temple?

You tell us that “Hundreds of students sit in the hall of priests”. Is the Karnack
Temple this hall of priests?

It seems to me what you have here is a series of establishing shots not
INT. KARNAK TEMPLE – DAY

Only write what is seen. And write in present tense.
“The immediate entrance was lined with statues, consisting of sphinxes and other religious animals.”
Was? What is the immediate entrance lined with now? Or did you mean to
write; "...entrance is lined with..."
 
GURUUUUUU!!!

Ready for a little screenwriting lesson?

When you write; INT. KARNAK TEMPLE – DAY everything under that slugline
is what is seen on screen.

Are you telling us that “Wide paved roads of stone” are inside
the temple?

You tell us that “Hundreds of students sit in the hall of priests”. Is the Karnack
Temple this hall of priests?


It seems to me what you have here is a series of establishing shots not
INT. KARNAK TEMPLE – DAY

Only write what is seen. And write in present tense.
“The immediate entrance was lined with statues, consisting of sphinxes and other religious animals.”
Was? What is the immediate entrance lined with now? Or did you mean to
write; "...entrance is lined with..."




Thanks directorik...this is the true feedback we all need.....not the suggestion of Knowledge but the truth every time...thanks again. I am in the "final" rewrite before a submission to the HBo aCCESS competition...I have a great idea for a 60 min drama pilot...but the time frame to write is short.
so I will submit my feature....Egyptian Gold...just gotta polish it up. Is length a problem or just paint the picture?
 
Last edited:
Thanks directorik...this is the true feedback we all need.....not the suggestion of Knowledge but the truth every time...thanks again. I am in the "final" rewrite before a submission to the HBo aCCESS competition...I have a great idea for a 60 min drama pilot...but the time frame to write is short.
so I will submit my feature....Egyptian Gold...just gotta polish it up. Is length a problem or just paint the picture?

Length is a problem. Anyone seeing a 143 page script will immediately
start with a negative bias against it. The harsh reality is very few writers
write can maintain interest over that many pages. Most scripts that long
are too focused on painting a picture than telling a story. And anyone
who has experience reading script (HBO Access) knows that. Your script
better be above the top exceptional to overcome that bias.

For the fellowship you should submit your very, very best work. It should
follow all the expected standards, be concise, be "readable" and show
above average creativity. They are not expecting "sellable" - it's a writing
sample - but they are expecting a basic knowledge of screenplay format
and a creative voice. Shorter is better. Remember: low paid readers are
the first to see your script and they have 20 to 30 to read in a couple of
days - probably 100 to 150 in a week. In order to get to the next level you
really need to dazzle those people quickly.
 
One of the first features on which I worked had an original length of 137 minutes. The director had the good fortune of meeting two "renegades" from a big corporate studio who chopped the film down to 83 minutes. That's right, they cut almost an hour of material.

What happened was they focused upon what the core of the film was really about. The rest of the film was extraneous, not contributing to the plot or the characters.

What I learned from those two men was this - If you cannot describe your project in ten words or less you have concept and structural problems. This is not the log-line, more like the opening salvo in your elevator pitch.

So, in ten words or less, what is your film about?
 
Imagine you are reading for this HBO Fellowship. You job is to find
writers who could potentially create the next big HBO project. You
have read 74 scripts in the last 5 days (14 already today) – it's 4PM
on a Friday and you want to get home to get ready for your night out.
So you don't want to read (and cover) fro two hours - you would rather
spent one hour 0r maybe 90 minutes.

You open up a 143 page script that starts with a detailed description
of an ancient Egyptian city – painting a clear picture. This is something
you have seen in movies before, something you have seen on History
Channel several dozen times – and now you have to read that before
you get to the story.

Now imagine what happens if that script number 75 is 58 pages and has
a kick-ass first five pages that plunges the reader into a compelling story.
No picture painted, just slam-bang into an interesting story.

Even if that script is 143 pages how do you imagine you would react to
those two scenarios?
 
Most screenplay contests don't allow features over 120 pages, so I'd definitely try and get it down to that or lower. (Lower is better for practical reasons outlined above by directorik)

Then I'd recommend letting some people read the first ten pages to give you an idea of what you might need to change before submitting. I'd be happy to read and critique.
 
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