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What's Wrong With This Screenplay?

K

kid_filmmaker

Ok so this story I wrote and plan to direct and produce is something of a drama and I wanted to post the link to it here and find out what is wrong with the dialogue and scenes and overall story here? (not the grammatical and punctual stuff) And I am guessing something is wrong with it because a few people keep telling me so although I don't honestly see anything wrong with it but I decided to ask others anyway?

So what's wrong with this story? Is it horrible, the worst story ever read/written? What needs to be fixed to make this story good? I posted the link below:

[URL="https://drive.go.com[/URL]
 
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dialogue is tough … quite a skill to master.
I'm not about to read 80+ pages but on the first page

Doctor - All you can do now is make the most of the four months you have left.

Seems like something a doctor wouldn't say. Maybe.. the time you have left. Seems like it's unnatural because you're trying to squeeze extra information into it.
 
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Not all bad. I read 15 pages. The approaching death gives it substance and the Harley-Michael meeting is terrific, but it is constantly off. Doesn't feel real, as intended. You've done a pretty good job, as it reads well, but it seems clear to me that it takes another level of skills to fix the story. Better not shoot it like this, people will say the movie sucks.
 
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Filman said:
Not all bad. I read 15 pages. The approaching death gives it substance and the Harley-Michael meeting is terrific, but it is constantly off. Doesn't feel real, as intended. You've done a pretty good job, as it reads well, but it seems clear to me that it takes another level of skills to fix the story. Better not shoot it like this, people will say the movie sucks.
Click to expand...

Thanks I appreciate it.
 
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