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Feedback would be lovely

Dreadylocks

Dreadylocks

Hey guys (and gals), I've got a new draft of my short, Stockholm Santa that I'd love for you to check out. I had it posted in the premiere section but as a lot of you (coughcheapbastardscough) don't have premiere anymore I figured I'd throw it out here in the wild.

It's about 10 pages, and if you've read it before, it's got some minor changes after the first couple pages but the main change is a brand new ending YAY!

I'd also just like to thank Nick, Ernest and Daniel for all the awesome feedback on the first draft. It really helped a lot in these rewrites. :yes:

All thoughts/ideas/criticisms are welcome!
 

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That was absolutely adorable! I had a hard time not laughing (and getting funny looks here at work)! And, of course, as a huge Douglas Adams fan I appreciated the "Santa's just this guy, you know?" line. I'll have to read it again to see if I can say anything more constructive than I liked it. The character doesn't sound 9, but that's part of the joke, so it's appropriate. Anyway, great job on that!
 
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i'm quite a demented guy so i took the black comedy element a little further...i thought it would of been way cooler if the film opened with the kid just finishing off killing a baby bird that fell out of the nest...like making the kid a little psychopath...and making santa REALLY scared of this kid, and the kid maybe breaks santa's fingers or something along those lines. and the girl NEVER speaks, she just has baffled expessions and the psycho kid does all the demented ranting trying to please her and while torturing her father in the next room, maybe for information on the things she likes so he can win her over...i dunno. something to sharpen it up. give it real perspective. as it stands the whole thing tries to be cute but struggles because the kid is quite unlikeable, so screw cute and make him pure evil...now thats good ol' black comedy...like nightmare before christmas. ah, i think this would also suit a stop frame animation. really good concept though and alot can be done with it. to sum up:

less dialogue. more direct perspective. more punch. more black christmas. more evil=more laughs from me. thats just me though...
 
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I liked it a lot. Fast paced and witty. The ending is okay, not on par with the set up and build up. Not a weak ending but not strong. A clever ending would really put this over the top.

Question:
-What was the purpose of the Salesman scene?
-If you plan to shoot this, you will need two extraordinary child actors. Got some?

Thanks for posting this here in the slums an not in the elitist oligarch section.

above comments are mere personal opinions and worth less than 2 centavos.
 
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dr stilly said:
i'm quite a demented guy so i took the black comedy element a little further...i thought it would of been way cooler if the film opened with the kid just finishing off killing a baby bird that fell out of the nest...like making the kid a little psychopath...and making santa REALLY scared of this kid, and the kid maybe breaks santa's fingers or something along those lines. and the girl NEVER speaks, she just has baffled expessions and the psycho kid does all the demented ranting trying to please her and while torturing her father in the next room, maybe for information on the things she likes so he can win her over...i dunno. something to sharpen it up. give it real perspective. as it stands the whole thing tries to be cute but struggles because the kid is quite unlikeable, so screw cute and make him pure evil...now thats good ol' black comedy...like nightmare before christmas. ah, i think this would also suit a stop frame animation. really good concept though and alot can be done with it. to sum up:

less dialogue. more direct perspective. more punch. more black christmas. more evil=more laughs from me. thats just me though...
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I hope no one here does this to Santa Claus. I'm a parent, kids find this stuff in the age of connectivity. Keep Christmas special, there are some many subjects worthy of exploitation. Can we just leave Santa out of it? It's a special time for kids.

The babysitter once let our kids watch the horrible, exploitative, fecal, blatantly derivative drivel called "Darkness Falls" -- a failed attempt to horricafy (yeah, horricafy) the tooth fairy, it managed to forever take the charm out of the tooth fair myth for my kids.
 
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brianluce said:
I hope no one here does this to Santa Claus. I'm a parent, kids find this stuff in the age of connectivity. Keep Christmas special, there are some many subjects worthy of exploitation. Can we just leave Santa out of it? It's a special time for kids.
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I'm not trying to be mean here, but if a kid is old enough to search the internet by themselves and find the short, they've most likely already figured out Santa isn't real. That's not even touching the fact that censoring art just because a kid might potentially eventually see it is ridiculous.
 
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SinEater said:
I'm not trying to be mean here, but if a kid is old enough to search the internet by themselves and find the short, they've most likely already figured out Santa isn't real. That's not even touching the fact that censoring art just because a kid might potentially eventually see it is ridiculous.
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great point!
 
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It was well written. It kept me "turning the pages".

I agree with Brian about the salesman scene.
Also:
How did the boy manage to bring the girl to his house?
Where were the boy's parents all this time (while Santa was tied up?

The ending wasn't completely satisfactory.
 
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Heheh, adorable, as Josh said. Lively, fast, easy to visualize. I especially love the punny props (ie: garland-tied gag). Bet you could add a few more seasonal visual jokes like that without it being overkill.

Great job, Dready!
 
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SinEater said:
I'm not trying to be mean here, but if a kid is old enough to search the internet by themselves and find the short, they've most likely already figured out Santa isn't real. That's not even touching the fact that censoring art just because a kid might potentially eventually see it is ridiculous.
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You obviously don't know much about what kids are like these days.

And who is talking about censorship? Where did I say that? Huh? No need to distort.
And I'm talking about taste. You and doc silly should consider that just because we can make something doesn't mean we should make something. That's my simple little point, and it's lost upon both of you.

I'm not trying to be mean either. :)
 
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hmmm. Some thoughts. "Darkness Falls" is rated pg-13. Not necessarily aimed at the market that would still believe in the tooth fairy, right? Could have been a good movie, but that's beside the point.

Christmas has long been sullied by horror film makers. The series "Silent Night, Deadly Night" comes to mind. But, again, it's not marketed towards kids. In bad taste? Maybe. But not everyone has the same views about Christmas, etc. Your version of "taste" is, for example, not the same as mine, and they are both valid. The "think of the children" argument really gets my goat. As you say, just because we can, doesn't mean we should. But just because you shouldn't, doesn't mean someone else shouldn't, yanno?

I fully respect your not wanting your kids exposed to something like this. But that decision is based on your morality, not dready's or mine (for example). Don't want your kids to watch it? Don't let them! Don't mean to be confrontational; again, I respect the way you feel about it. It's the first step on a pretty dangerous controversial road though!
 
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JoshL said:
hmmm. Some thoughts. "Darkness Falls" is rated pg-13. Not necessarily aimed at the market that would still believe in the tooth fairy, right? Could have been a good movie, but that's beside the point.

Christmas has long been sullied by horror film makers. The series "Silent Night, Deadly Night" comes to mind. But, again, it's not marketed towards kids. In bad taste? Maybe. But not everyone has the same views about Christmas, etc. Your version of "taste" is, for example, not the same as mine, and they are both valid. The "think of the children" argument really gets my goat. As you say, just because we can, doesn't mean we should. But just because you shouldn't, doesn't mean someone else shouldn't, yanno?

I fully respect your not wanting your kids exposed to something like this. But that decision is based on your morality, not dready's or mine (for example). Don't want your kids to watch it? Don't let them! Don't mean to be confrontational; again, I respect the way you feel about it. It's the first step on a pretty dangerous controversial road though!
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Thank you for the thoughtful and "Responsive" comment.

I generally agree with everything here. As I said though, these days digital devices with web access are ubiquitous. Saying "Don't let your kids watch it" isn't realistic, it's like saying don't expose your kids to profanity. The only way to do that is to lock your kid in bank vault 24-7.

Second, my original comment was a mere suggestion or lighthearted plead with an anecdote, there was no finger wagging, no imploring, no bible thumping fire and brimstone, no warnings of legal liability, and the remark could in no way be construed as inflammatory. And I got this reflexive whining about "Censorship".

The fact of the matter is there are markers for taste and civility. And those markers are reflected in (usually localized) public policy -- like it or not. I tossed a marker out there, big F'ing deal. That's not censorship -- it's not even a kissing cousin of censorship. It's an opinion -- that was thoroughly mischaracterized.

So if a guy want to urge Dready to turn her script in to a hilariously dark child slasher film, a Zombie Santa Film, or perhaps make an outer space version of it, more power to you -- though most people that give script comments tend NOT to suggest entire genre changes, but that's topic for another thread perhaps.

Lastly, my suggestion that crapping all over Santa mythology is tasteless in no way reflects anything about Stockholm Santa. I'd let my kids watch her movie no problem.
 
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I agree that the story might be better served without the salesman scene. I see what you were doing there and I like the reason behind it but I have an easier time buying the fantasy of an 8 year old drugging and kidnapping Santa without any parental presence. As for the ending, I did not care for it at all. I would have preferred Sofia to look in the closet and see her father tied up then shrug and close the door before returning to her milk and cookies.
 
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brianluce said:
Thank you for the thoughtful and "Responsive" comment.

So if a guy want to urge Dready to turn her script in to a hilariously dark child slasher film, a Zombie Santa Film, or perhaps make an outer space version of it, more power to you -- though most people that give script comments tend NOT to suggest entire genre changes, but that's topic for another thread perhaps.
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hey! that guy was me!! I must respond...

I suggested no such genre change, dreadys genre to me is black comedy and my suggestions are within that genre. 'slasher' implies a knife, i said maybe the kid should be a bit more sadistic, like that kid in toy story...that kid in love could be funny...i'm simply giving an avenue for further drafts to get it to that place that dready may be trying to get at...or not. but im thinking she posted the script to get advise for further reworks and not just thumbs up and praise which in my opinion is way more detremental than what i had given...

btw it got my imagination motoring because it is such a good idea...
 
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I'm just gonna make this a short post for now, as the Bears game is on and I need to concentrate on projecting winning qi at them ;)

Thanks for all the responses, I'm loving the feedback! I'll post a full reply after da Bears win this game :D
 
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