Feature Feedback

No takers?

I'll look it over. m.charles60 (at) att.net.

Thank you. I'm sending it now

Hi, Time2focus

Thanks for the read! I finished it in one sitting, which surprised me. I didn’t think I’d like it since the subject matter is far outside my normal comfort zone as either a writer or reader. But the story held me; it’s honest, full of heart, and told well. The characters are well-formed and interesting and their arcs are clearly defined; the catalyst, act breaks, mid-point, and other story beats hit about where they should in the script. The dialogue seems spot-on and there’s plenty of sub-text. Unfortunately, being an old-fart, I’m not much of a judge of contemporary teen dialect, but it rang true. Your minor character names are fun: Dreary Eyes, Frail Boy, High Bun, Chipper Midwife. I like your scene transitions. There’s a bit of overlay in places that works well.

One of the best pieces of advice I ever got from a fellow writer was "As you're writing, remember, you're on a plane (metaphorically). And there's snakes. Lots and lots of snakes." You've got plenty of snakes throughout.

Your formatting could use some work. Every sentence of your action descriptions doesn’t need a separate line. A pro reading it will think you’re cheating by padding it to fill up space (at 91 pages, you come in just over the industry standard minimum for a feature). There are other minor issues with formatting, but I’m not interested in being a formatting editor for people who post here, so you’ll have to figure them out on your own. Sorry.

I’m of two minds about the dream/fantasy sequence running throughout with the Queen and her drones. My first instinct was to suggest you cut it. My concern is that it’s too typical a fantasy for a young teen girl and, therefore, a bit cliché. On the other hand, it’s inserted judiciously at appropriate times and it does illuminate her inner world. I guess I’d suggest you keep it, but consider some alternatives. What alternatives, you ask? Hell if I know; a fantasy that's stranger, fresher, more original.

I think there’d be a fair market for it and production costs would be minimal. Clean up the formatting, reconsider the fantasy sequence, and get it the hell out there.

Cheers!

-Charles

Thanks a ton. Those fantasy scenes are bothering me a lot right now. I'm going through those today to get a better idea of what's missing. Your opinion is very encouraging because I have started to get frustrated with the script. I think I've been looking at it too long. Thanks again.

Hey, t2f

Yeah, the more I think about it, the less I like those scenes. But there's a world of things you can do with fantasy.

Here's an example. The title, DRIFTING HOME, right?

What if you open with Giselle on a raft on a wide, calm river, drifting with the current? She's peaceful, contented. It's foggy, quiet. As the story unfolds, the different characters come into sight.

Eric in a rowboat. But it's a one-person boat, no room for her, too.

Celeste in a dilapidated, noisy, broken-down speedboat.

And she interacts with them, based on the metaphor you're working with. Eric moves slowly, unsure, clumsily. Celeste makes waves, annoying, dangerous: tips over her raft and Giselle thrashes to keep her head above water to keep from drowning, etc.

And maybe the tie-in is that Giselle is reading Huckleberry Finn in class (Eric as an English teacher?)

Anyways, the point is there's a world of fantasy/metaphor you can work with that's more original, interesting and fun than the Queen.

Best of luck!

-Charles

That is a great suggestion. Wow, I gotta get to planning and writing because that does seem like a much more appropriate direction.

Writing an engaging feature is not easy to do.

There's a reason why the top tier screenwriters are paid mid to high six figures (or sometimes 7 figures) for their screenplays.

This holds true as well: Writing is rewriting.

Do not expect to knock it out of the park in your first draft, and read everything about pro-screenwriting technique that you can.

time2focus said:

That is a great suggestion. Wow, I gotta get to planning and writing because that does seem like a much more appropriate direction.

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That's the spirit. I know you can do better for Giselle! She's a tough, smart cookie and is far too cool to be fantasizing about some dusty old queen. ?