Feedback needed for these four Short Scripts. All under 20pgs.

amp · Jul 1, 2014

Hello, I seriously need some feedback for my four short screenplays. They are all under 20pgs and the link to them are all underneath this post. I'd like to know what the pros and cons of the screenplays are and your opinion would be greatly needed. Thank you for taking the time to read these and I promise to take your feedback gratefully.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B1E89_teazcUREk4ejFINV9rM2c/edit?usp=sharing

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B1E89_teazcUTl90akwzNk80RVU/edit?usp=sharing

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B1E89_teazcUYjRsWUdVVWJrWUk/edit?usp=sharing

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B1E89_teazcUejE3VU9YQ2pIemM/edit?usp=sharing

RyiGarry · Jul 5, 2014

While they are all under 20 pages, that's 80 for the set. It would be very helpful if you could say which one you think is the best and for us to give critique on that one.

amp · Jul 7, 2014

Which ever one you want but if I had to pick a prefered one, I'd pick either the first or third one.
The first one is a surreal/thriller and the third one is a mystery.

FantasySciFi · Jul 7, 2014

I started with #3, the mystery. It shows a lot of rookie mistakes on the first page. By rookie, I don't mean that the formatting is crap but the writing style and dialogue are very expository--telling us what we already see.

Code:

                                           -->                        FADE IN:

EXT. FIELD - DAY

BRIAN and BEN, both 16, are walking in a field and they
both stop in front a dead body - a teenage girl.

They both look at each other and down at the body.

Ben taps the body with his foot, bends down and[COLOR="RoyalBlue"] feels for
a pulse.[/COLOR]

                                     BEN
                [COLOR="RoyalBlue"]There’s no pulse.[/COLOR]

Ben lifts her head up, [COLOR="RoyalBlue"]blood pours out her mouth [/COLOR]and Brian
looks away.

Ben turns the body over and [COLOR="RoyalBlue"]there’s a stab mark on her
torso[/COLOR].

                                     BEN (cont’d)
                She’s[COLOR="RoyalBlue"] been stabbed[/COLOR]. There’s [COLOR="RoyalBlue"]blood
                everywhere.
[/COLOR]
Ben gets blood on his hands and wipes them on his pants.

                                     BRIAN
                OK stop, you’re making me sick.[COLOR="Red"] <- show this[/COLOR]

                                      BEN
               [COLOR="RoyalBlue"] Who would do something like this?[/COLOR]

[COLOR="RoyalBlue"]Ben stands up and sees a person a long distance away
holding a shovel, [/COLOR]walking towards them.

                                      BEN (cont’d)
                [COLOR="RoyalBlue"] Who’s that?[/COLOR]

Brian looks and the [COLOR="RoyalBlue"]person stops, looks at them, drops the
shovel and runs away.[/COLOR]

                                      BEN (cont’d)
                 [COLOR="RoyalBlue"]What are they doing?[/COLOR]

                                      BRIAN
                  [COLOR="Red"]I don’t know...[/COLOR] [COLOR="RoyalBlue"]They’re probably
                  the killer.[/COLOR]

                                      BEN
                  [COLOR="Red"]What are you on about?[/COLOR]

Brian turns around and runs away.

                                      BEN (cont’d)
                   Brian!

Ben looks at the body and the person running. He turns and
runs after Brian.

You've just had Ben and Brian say exactly the same thing that the audience sees. It's horribly redundant. There's also a lot of filler phrases. You also tell instead of show. Here's one way this could be re-written. I've taken your nine lines down to two. The same information and a little more is there, only visually without being repeated verbally.

Code:

                                                                   FADE IN:

EXT. FIELD - DAY

BRIAN and BEN, both 16, are walking in a field and stop.
They look at each other and down at

the body of a teenage girl lying face down before them.

Ben taps the body with his foot, bends down and feels for
a pulse.  

Looking at Brian, he shakes his head.

Ben lifts her head up, blood pours out her mouth causing
Brian to look away and cover his mouth.

Ben notices blood and turns the body.  There’s a stab mark 
on her torso.

Ben gets blood on his hands and wipes them on his pants.

                                     BRIAN
                OK, stop.  That's sick.

Ben stands up and sees a person a long distance away
holding a shovel, walking towards them.  He points.

Brian looks up.  

The person stops, looks at them, drops the shovel and 
runs away.

Brian taps Ben and races the opposite direction.

                                      BEN
                  What do you ...? 
                        (a beat, turns)  
                  Brian!

Ben looks back at the body and the person running.  He 
shakes his head, turns and follows after Brian.

Dialogue must be purposeful. Film/Video is primarily a visual medium. Dialogue should be used to convey what can't be seen. The rest of the pages just kept getting more difficult to believe. In this age of CSI, that anyone would touch crime scene evidence or dead body instead of calling the police/guards is pushing credulity. Similarly the dialogue is overly expository. I lost interest by page 5.

The other issue is that Ben and Brian aren't developed well. It's hard to be interested in them or really care about them as characters. You need something to help the audience be interested. You need some lead-in before they discover the body to just introduce them. Good luck.

amp · Jul 7, 2014

Thank you very much for your help. I am trying to improve but because of those mistakes I guess I would of lost the interest of every reader by the time they read half of the first page. I'll keep in mind about the show don't tell - very important.
I also have a question, should I describe facial expressions and feelings? Something like "Bobby frowns" or "He looked shocked" and "He is tense" or "He is feeling sad"?
But the 'FADE IN:' should stay on the left and not the right.

RyiGarry · Jul 7, 2014

amp said:
I also have a question, should I describe facial expressions and feelings? Something like "Bobby frowns" or "He looked shocked" and "He is tense" or "He is feeling sad"?

If the description of the character is pertinent to the scene - absolutely leave it in, especially if it is not indicated by their dialogue.

amp said:
But the 'FADE IN:' should stay on the left and not the right.

Which screenwriting software are you using? Because certainly on Final Draft, the transitions always default to the right.

Sorry for the little responses right now - I'll be sure to take a look at the other one you mentioned, The Re-enactment, quite soon.

FantasySciFi · Jul 7, 2014

amp said:
Thank you very much for your help. I am trying to improve but because of those mistakes I guess I would of lost the interest of every reader by the time they read half of the first page. I'll keep in mind about the show don't tell - very important.

Keep in mind that the dialogue should complement not echo the visuals. Dialogue should express what cannot be seen. Just be careful not to get lazy. A good actor will convey emotions so s/he doesn't need to say "I feel ..." when they can show it. You DO have to give a reason why the audience should be interested in your protagonist(s)--like, empathize, laugh at. But if you use "hate" be sure it's your antagonist and follow with a contrast. Most new writers want to jump into the action without doing the necessary intros and set up. Building the intro hook is a necessary skill.

amp said:
I also have a question, should I describe facial expressions and feelings? Something like "Bobby frowns" or "He looked shocked" and "He is tense" or "He is feeling sad"?

You walk a fine line. Most actors don't want to be told how to act. However, some feeling words just aren't adequate. "Sad" can mean many things.

Saying "Tim sits in the corner and is sad." can be vague. While you don't want to go overboard with description, you need to convey the context of the scene.
- Tim sits in the corner with a somber gaze.
- Tim sits in the corner, fighting back a tear.
- Tim sits in the corner in a quiet sob.
- Tim sits in the corner, head folded in his knees, rocking.

The director and/or actor will likely discard the suggestion and go with something they feel is more natural to the scene but it conveys the mood. Strong active language is more likely to capture a reader and lead to successfully selling your script. On the other hand, I'm not suggest you go to the extreme. Save that for the novel.

- Tim sits crouching in the corner, his arms around his knees. His eyes are red as he stares at the blank wall. A hot tear emerges that he fights to suppress.

amp said:
But the 'FADE IN:' should stay on the left and not the right.

In American industry standard script format, CAMERA SHOTS are on the left, TRANSITIONS are on the right. A "FADE IN" is a transition. I recognize that Australian and UK formats may differ. If you were to submit this in the US, it would be wrong to put it on the left.

amp · Jul 9, 2014

RyiGarry said:
Which screenwriting software are you using? Because certainly on Final Draft, the transitions always default to the right.

I use Celtx but I have to cheat and put the transition as a 'shot' so it would show up on the left.
And thanks for the reply I hope to hear your feedback on the other (it's structured in a very weird way B.T.W.)

RyiGarry · Jul 12, 2014

There's an interesting concept there, I think - but as a reader, it was very difficult to keep track of moving from room to room in the second half - as it appeared to be very quick. I would suggest, for a rewrite - to actually describe the rooms (rather than just - 'DIFFERENT BEDROOM'), to slow down the pace of the reader and make it easier to follow.

amp · Jul 12, 2014