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How did this turn out?

Link: http://docdro.id/aKgLXtN

A while back I posted a thread with a sample of my screenplay writing, to see how others would view it. I wanted to know if they thought it was properly formatted, and didn't mind hearing opinions on it's level of entertainment value --even though I wasn't particularly looking for that. This thread is dedicated to another sample of my screenplay writing, and the writing was inspired by a dream I had not too long ago. Is it formatted correctly? The dream sequence? Look professional? Passable? Decent? Bad?

Did I correctly write the main characters --Johns-- dialogue correctly into the dream sequence it's a part of? It's part of a dream sequence where mostly visuals are shown on screen with no dialogue, so I was unsure as to how to include dialogue -- italicized or not-- when writing it.
 
Close but need some things.

Link: http://docdro.id/aKgLXtN

A while back I posted a thread with a sample of my screenplay writing, to see how others would view it. I wanted to know if they thought it was properly formatted, and didn't mind hearing opinions on it's level of entertainment value --even though I wasn't particularly looking for that. This thread is dedicated to another sample of my screenplay writing, and the writing was inspired by a dream I had not too long ago. Is it formatted correctly? The dream sequence? Look professional? Passable? Decent? Bad?

Did I correctly write the main characters --Johns-- dialogue correctly into the dream sequence it's a part of? It's part of a dream sequence where mostly visuals are shown on screen with no dialogue, so I was unsure as to how to include dialogue -- italicized or not-- when writing it.

You have something interesting working but the problem is, while there's a lot of information about John and Cindy, it's written in a way that doesn't play on the screen. Telling the reader about them is one thing but a script is visual, as is a movie. If you'd like to discuss, email me at witwriter2@gmail.com and we;ll get you going in the right direction. Will
 
Is it formatted correctly? The dream sequence? Look professional? Passable? Decent? Bad? Did I correctly write the main characters --Johns-- dialogue correctly into the dream sequence it's a part of? It's part of a dream sequence where mostly visuals are shown on screen with no dialogue, so I was unsure as to how to include dialogue -- italicized or not-- when writing it.
No to all of the above. If you want to indicate it's a dream sequence you can but it would depend but it's not a description the viewer would see. Don't use italics like that. Italics draw attention to things being sung or treated differently (translated when delivered into another language). You use your visuals improperly.

It was filled with details that are irrelevant to the viewer. It's fine if this were an erotic novel or short story. For film, keep it to what the audience sees. Think in terms of shots. Remember, location details are largely dependent on what the producer can secure. In this case, the color of the bedsheets is irrelevant. It's the art director's decision. The description of the furniture is largely unnecessary. The only key element is the mirrored closet. In production this would likely require a crane to capture the image in the mirror, so the DP might want the mirror to the side rather than in front of the bed. Understand that picky details of your script will likely be removed or altered. Only put in details that are relevant to the story dynamics, like the mirror.

Don't go heavy on non-visual detail which tell but don't show. How would the audience see that John's been obsessing over Cindy for months? If it's important, show it somehow. Don't tell the script reader what the audience can't witness themselves.

Thick paragraphs do nothing to get the reader into the action of the scene. Using short clean action lines lets the reader quickly grasp the composition of the shot and the dynamics. It also yields a more balanced white and black space distribution. "And then he woke up" is not a story but transition device. This is a scene and not a story. Scripts should tell stories. Where else could you go with this?

He wakes up and thinks it was a dream until .... he staggers into take a shower and finds a bra. Maybe a blood covered bra. Is she a vampire or succubus? Take it somewhere.

Because of all these issues, your original doesn't come across as professional. Below is a re-hash of the first part of your scene to highlight these points. I want to emphasize this doesn't end below but is lead into the main story.
Code:
INT.  JOHN DOE’S BEDROOM - NIGHT (DREAM)

The bedroom is modest style with a side table, lamp, some
basic furniture along with a closet with mirrored doors in
front of his bed.

JOHN DOE, a 20-something year old African American
male asleep on his bed, is fitful and turns over, bumping the
side table.  

A beat.  He rubs his eyes, looks around his room, and peers 
into the closet door mirrors.

While looking at the reflected image of himself in bed,

an image of woman forms kneeling on his bed who is 
20-something, Caucasian, and with a body to die for.

He glances over to the empty bed then back to the mirror 
to see she is wearing a black, lacy, and barely there bra 
and panty set as she sits with her back towards him.

As she turns her head, he recognizes her as CINDY, a 
bartender at a local nightclub.

He swings about to face a dark empty room before shifting 
attention back to the mirror.

Her hands teasingly caress her body as her eyes bore into
him.

John gapes in disbelief and rubs his eyes. 

She's gone.  The room is dark.  He darts glances about before

he sighs, shakes his head and smiles.  He throws himself back 
on the bed and closes his eyes.

A beat.  His eyes flash open as he gasps.

Cindy straddles his chest smiling down. 

                            JOHN DOE
            Can you -

Her finger firmly pushes his lips to silence.
...

INT.  JOHN DOE’S BEDROOM - NIGHT

John's  relaxed eyes open to panic.

A leather clad hand is pressed tightly over his mouth and 
nose securing a cloth.

John struggles under the weight of the masked assailant but
his eyes flicker and his body goes still.
...
 
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............If you'd like to discuss, email me at witwriter2@gmail.com and we;ll get you going in the right direction. Will

Yes, he'd like to discus it, that's why he posted it here.
I guess he would like a pointer in the right direction here as well ;)
And everyone will learn from it :)

@OP:
A script is not like novel: movies and books are different media using different techniques. (That's why a movie is never exactly like the book: what works in book can kill a movie and vice versa.)
 
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