There are spelling and grammar issues throughout. The dialogue was long and repetitive. The first four pages could have been dropped to two. The paragraphs should be divided up into shots. I see a lot of new writer mistakes including "we see", "suddenly", etc. Only capitalize a name the first time it appears. Lots of empty adverbs and the repeated use of angry, enraged, red faced, etc. Yeah, we get it, he's not happy. Beyond that, there's not much character development.
The lack of agreement shows up in the script which seems to wander with no purpose. I don't really believe it from p.5 on. Is she a vampire? Using a hammer and chisel on a face? Sounds kind of hokey. Where did he get the box from? It feels more like disjoint ideas strung together. Overall, I agree that it's an empty story.
If you want to somehow salvage it, I'd do more character development of Jude. You don't have to go the route of making him look like the victim of an abusive household. You do need to make sense of why his knuckles are bruised. Next you need to shorten the scene with Bruce. Nothing of consequence is really said, so that bar room encounter can be short and sweet. If you want to spice it up, have a brawl. Maybe he hits on jukebox chick and her boyfriend steps in. Jude punches him and the biker dudes put the punch on him. This can be done in two pages. Now you toss him out of the bar. Here's where he spots the homeless guy with the box. Jude takes it back to the gf he beat up earlier as a make-up gift. She doesn't like it so he flies into a rage. Jude hunts down the homeless man and learns the box was found outside an alley club. This motivates a reason for Jude to go to the new bar. Jude uses it to gain entrance. Inside, he's told to wait and admires the many seductive women and few male clients. That's when Cris arrives. She thanks him for returning her box. He drinks and of course is drugged. When he awakens, he's securely fastened. She reveals the true contents. It should be something undercuts his violent, womanizing tendencies. You can portray her as a dominatrix turning the tables. The homeless man is one of her agents sent out to find wayward young men in need of re-education.
This keeps close to your existing script so you don't have to totally start from scratch. However, you still need to make significant changes. Think in terms of three act structure:
Act One: We meet Jude. He's kicked out of the bar. He finds a homeless man with a box.
Act Two: The box may contain treasure or there might be a reward. He finds the homeless guy who
tells him where to return it.
Subplot: He goes back to his girlfriend who he punched earlier and brings her the box to make up.
She refuses it and having sex with him. He screams and leaves.
Act Three: He returns the box to the owner at a seedy nightclub. It turns out that the owner is a
dominatrix who targets abusive young men like Jude.
In this story, we don't necessarily like Jude though he has to have a certain appeal. So when he gets comeuppance, the viewer feels vindicated. However, the script's other deficits--grammar, spelling, formatting, dialogue, character development shouldn't be neglected.
