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3 Minute Film Screenplay - Advice?

A

AJLFilm

Hello everyone. I've been lurking around here for a few days, and this forum seems like a really great online community for independent filmmakers. So I'm glad to have found this site.

So, naturally, I'm looking for some input/advice on an idea I'm trying to adapt into a screenplay for an assignment for class. The assignment is basically to write a 3 minute short film (so 3 pages max) with a beginning, middle, and end. The thing is, the film has to be producible by a student filmmaker on a tight budget, such as myself.

My idea, and it's a fairly simple one:

It begins with a young man dressed sharply in a business suit waiting for a big interview in an office waiting room. He ends up spilling coffee all over himself, he panics completely, and tries everything to clean it off but to no avail. He is called into the interview by a secretary and makes his walk of shame towards the employer's office. The film ends with him walking into the office and revealing that the employer has just recently spilled coffee all over himself as well and the two share a laugh as the protagonist's tension is relieved.

So my question is a general question.
What do you think would make this story pop/more interesting? How can I make it clear that this interview is BIG, and that spilling coffee all over himself is the stupidest thing this man could have ever done. What sort of dialogue should there be? The protagonist talking to himself? Can I write it in 3 pages?

I don't know, so many questions, and I'm sure I will answer most of them myself, but any advice is greatly appreciated.
Thanks in advance.
 
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One option might be to push beyond just coffee and give your main character one of those days, but also show we share common things, including those days:


THE APPLICANT enters an office reception area.
A SECRETARY at a desk “Welcome to Perfect Corp”
The Applicant- "Good morning I’m Mark Smudge, to see Mr. White.”
He is asked to have a seat.

The secretary asks if he has brought such and such form with him.
He assures her he has. - He opens his briefcase – He find’s his kid’s toys in it!
He rummages through the brief case in a panic! - He locates a file- He exhales relieved.
He opens the file- He find’s the form has a child’s drawing on it!-“Good luck Daddy”

He asks the secretary if she happens to have some extra of said forms, she does.
She opens a draw removes a form and holds it out to him.
When he stands to accept the form his necktie is caught in his briefcase.
The briefcase spills toys on the floor. He begins putting them back into the briefcase.

He holds one up, and with an embarrassed laugh “Rainbow Glitter Ninja Pony.”
The secretary just looks at him. He holds up another “Shadow Stallion, her nemesis.”
The secretary just nods.

He takes the forms and turns to sit down, then turns back to the secretary.
The Applicant- “Do you happen to have a pen I can-“
She is already holding out a pen to him.
He accepts the pen, thanks her then sits down on his briefcase.

DISSOLVE:

Legs crossed and briefcase in his lap, the Applicant fills out the form.
He notices his sock- He makes a worried face. He checks his other sock.
Two different colors!

The secretary hangs up a phone.
The Secretary- “Mr. White will see you now, right through here.”

He exhales, stands and straightens his tie.
He notices ink on his fingers- He looks at the form and sees the pen has leaked all over it.
He smiles at the Secretary and marches through the doors.

Inside the office- MR. WHITE sits at his desk, back turned.
The Applicant approaches. The Secretary opens the doors behind him.
The Secretary- “Mr. Smudge your car is being towed… because it’s on fire.”
The Applicant bows his head in defeat, turns and walks out.

DISSOLVE:

Inside the office of Mr. White the doors open.
The Applicant enters- Hair messed up, Clothes ripped and burnt, One shoe.
He limps up to the desk where Mr. White sits back still turned.
Mr. White turns around and sizes the Applicant up from head to toe for a moment.

The Applicant points to the desk
The Applicant- “Is that Rainbow Glitter Ninja Pony: Kingdom of the Seven Stables collection?”

On the desk a few toys near a framed family photo.
Mr. White - “Why yes, yes it is.”
The Applicant shakes his head -“I can’t wait for Saddle Bur to get his.”
Mr. White looks over at the door, lowers his voice in confidence and smiles in glee.
Mr. White - “Me too!”
THE END

-Thanks-
 
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I like the story, quirky and fun. The only suggestions I could come up with would be to maybe have a person leaving the interview room before him either acting extremely distraught or extremely arrogant. Either would add a sense of heightened distress to him.
 
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How about he tries and tries to get the stain out (different comical things... makes it worse). At the last second he gets it out (soda water from the secretary's bottle... she says "hey" as he rudely helps himself). Sigh of relief. CUT TO: Drying shirt with bathroom hand dryer. He's called for the interview, and walks confidently into the office making a funny face at the secretary... with toilet paper hanging out the back of his pants. She giggles. THE END

Title: Back Office
 
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I'd take a different take. He's in an interview, correct. Well, show the importance of that interview. We don't care if he can or cannot get the coffee out of his clothes in time. So, worry less about that.

What you should do is exploit the idea of him NEEDING this job.

Perhaps he has the tag still on his suit jacket/pants. Have it say K-Mart. something like that. Have him nervously tapping his foot/biting his nails. Make it known that it's extremely important that he lands this job.

He's so nervous that he needs to grab a cup of coffee. Something to calm his nerves. So, that's when you can further show that he is in need of this job. He can open up his wallet and...... nothing's in the wallet. He only has pennies in his pocket.

Cut back to him staring at that huge door that says BOSS on the front. cut back to his sweaty face and back to the door. closer and closer and boom. he drops the coffee on himself.

He looks, the secretary is typing away. she doesn't notice. he tries to cover his shirt with a magazine. that's when he gets called in and when he enters. the boss yells "Shit" and is standing trying to brush off the coffee he just dumped on his lap.

Enjoy
 
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indietalk said:
How about he tries and tries to get the stain out (different comical things... makes it worse). At the last second he gets it out (soda water from the secretary's bottle... she says "hey" as he rudely helps himself). Sigh of relief. CUT TO: Drying shirt with bathroom hand dryer. He's called for the interview, and walks confidently into the office making a funny face at the secretary... with toilet paper hanging out the back of his pants. She giggles. THE END

Title: Back Office
Click to expand...

I like that.

I would also consider watching the first segment (the one for Niles) in the Frasier episode "Three Valentines." That could definitely give you some ideas.
 
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3 Acts

Sounds like this is an exercise in writing for the 3 act structure from your teacher. So I'd focus on making sure you know what the 3 acts are. I'd the first act is establishing that he's in the waiting room, waiting for an interview that he really wants to nail, and that he's extremely nervous. The second act starts when he spills the coffee on himself and goes about trying to get it out and depending on where you go with that, the third act would be where we walk into the office and see the interview reacting to spilling coffee on himself and the two reacting to each other and noticing the humor in the situation. If you make it clear you know the three acts, I think your teacher will be impressed you were able to structure it so well.
 
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Since I can't do attachments I guess I will just copy and paste it. I appreciate all of the ideas. In the end, I sort of used Buddy Greenfield's take on the idea as a template, because I feel it definitely took it up a few notches. I do feel I made it my own, though. I hope that is okay, and hope you guys like it. Feel free to constructively criticize. :)

______________________________________________________________________


Running Late​

FADE IN:

EXT. CITY SIDEWALK - DAY

STEPHEN, 26 and dressed sharp in a business suit hurriedly puts money into a parking meter.

A MAN, 50s with grey hair and also dressed nicely, walks up to him and taps him on the shoulder.

OLDER MAN
Excuse me. I seem to have left all my change at home. Could you spare some for the meter?

STEPHEN
Yeah, no problem.

Stephen hands the man a bunch of change.

OLDER MAN
Thanks a lot. Some jerk took my usual spot.

STEPHEN
It's really no problem. We all have those days.
(beat)
Well, I have to get going. I'm going to be late for an interview.

Stephen begins to leave.

OLDER MAN
Yeah, me too!

CUT TO:

INT. OFFICE LOBBY - DAY

Stephen walks up to the reception desk. He taps his fingers anxiously on the desk.

The RECEPTIONIST, an older, bitter lady, squints up at him through her glasses.

RECEPTIONIST
May I help you?

STEPHEN
Hello, I'm Stephen Murphy. I'm here for my interview with Mr. Redstone.

RECEPTIONIST
Do you have your employee forms?

STEPHEN
Yes ~I do. One second.

Stephen opens his briefcase a bit too fast and his papers go flying and scatter all over the floor.

Stephen bends down to pick them up and begins sorting through them to find the forms.

STEPHEN
I'm sorry. I'm sure I have them.
(beat)
They must be here.

The receptionist looks over the desk at him as Stephen searches frantically.

STEPHEN
They're not here. Would you happen to have any extra copies of the forms?

The receptionist pushes forward a hefty stack of papers towards him. Stephen sighs.

RECEPTIONIST
You can go fill them out in the waiting area.

STEPHEN
Thanks.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. OFFICE WAITING AREA - LATER

Stephen sits with his legs crossed and having finished filling out the forms, he pours himself a cup of coffee from the side table.

Stephen looks down at his shoe. He crosses his other leg and looks at the other shoe. Two completely different shoes.

STEPHEN
(in disbelief)
Shit.

A YOUNG, FEMALE SECRETARY walks into the room.

SECRETARY
Stephen? Mr. Redstone is ready to see you. Right this way.

Stephen follows the secretary into the office and she walks out.

CUT TO:

INT. MR. REDSTONE'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

MR. REDSTONE sits with the back of his giant chair turned towards Stephen.

Stephen goes to sip his coffee and accidentally spills it all over his shirt. He is a mess.

STEPHEN
Jesus Christ!

In the background we hear LOUD SIRENS from fire engines.

As Stephen begins to walk toward Mr. Redstone, the secretary bursts into the door.

SECRETARY
Mr. Murphy...someone just hit your car...it's on fire! And what's that all over your shirt?

Stephen, utterly defeated, gives a blank stare. He slumps his shoulders and walks out of the office.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. MR. REDSTONE'S OFFICE - LATER

Stephen walks into Mr. Redstone's office. His hair is disheveled, and the front of his white shirt has turned a pale brown color.

He walks toward Redstone's desk.

STEPHEN
Mr. Redstone? I'm here for my interview. Sorry I'm so...

Mr. Redstone's chair slowly turns around to

Reveal: Mr. Redstone is the older gentleman whom Stephen helped out earlier in the day.

Stephen's jaw nearly drops as Mr. Redstone smiles.

MR. REDSTONE
Late? It's okay, son. We all have those days.

FADE OUT:
 
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That's awesome. I love it.
Although, I'm a bit disappointed you didn't include Redstone having coffee on HIS shirt. I thought that was a pretty sweet idea. Still very good though!
 
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Nice! Great idea and it's easy to relate to. We've all had horrible days.

It might be effective if you have the secretary somewhat cold at the beginning and then softening as she witnesses the countless mistakes that the man is making. When she runs in to tell him about the car on fire she should be shocked and completely sympathetic to his plight.
 
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No offense...

AJLFilm said:
Since I can't do attachments I guess I will just copy and paste it. I appreciate all of the ideas. In the end, I sort of used Buddy Greenfield's take on the idea as a template, because I feel it definitely took it up a few notches. I do feel I made it my own, though. I hope that is okay, and hope you guys like it. Feel free to constructively criticize. :)

______________________________________________________________________


Running Late​

FADE IN:

EXT. CITY SIDEWALK - DAY

STEPHEN, 26 and dressed sharp in a business suit hurriedly puts money into a parking meter.

A MAN, 50s with grey hair and also dressed nicely, walks up to him and taps him on the shoulder.

OLDER MAN
Excuse me. I seem to have left all my change at home. Could you spare some for the meter?

STEPHEN
Yeah, no problem.

Stephen hands the man a bunch of change.

OLDER MAN
Thanks a lot. Some jerk took my usual spot.

STEPHEN
It's really no problem. We all have those days.
(beat)
Well, I have to get going. I'm going to be late for an interview.

Stephen begins to leave.

OLDER MAN
Yeah, me too!

CUT TO:

INT. OFFICE LOBBY - DAY

Stephen walks up to the reception desk. He taps his fingers anxiously on the desk.

The RECEPTIONIST, an older, bitter lady, squints up at him through her glasses.

RECEPTIONIST
May I help you?

STEPHEN
Hello, I'm Stephen Murphy. I'm here for my interview with Mr. Redstone.

RECEPTIONIST
Do you have your employee forms?

STEPHEN
Yes ~I do. One second.

Stephen opens his briefcase a bit too fast and his papers go flying and scatter all over the floor.

Stephen bends down to pick them up and begins sorting through them to find the forms.

STEPHEN
I'm sorry. I'm sure I have them.
(beat)
They must be here.

The receptionist looks over the desk at him as Stephen searches frantically.

STEPHEN
They're not here. Would you happen to have any extra copies of the forms?

The receptionist pushes forward a hefty stack of papers towards him. Stephen sighs.

RECEPTIONIST
You can go fill them out in the waiting area.

STEPHEN
Thanks.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. OFFICE WAITING AREA - LATER

Stephen sits with his legs crossed and having finished filling out the forms, he pours himself a cup of coffee from the side table.

Stephen looks down at his shoe. He crosses his other leg and looks at the other shoe. Two completely different shoes.

STEPHEN
(in disbelief)
Shit.

A YOUNG, FEMALE SECRETARY walks into the room.

SECRETARY
Stephen? Mr. Redstone is ready to see you. Right this way.

Stephen follows the secretary into the office and she walks out.

CUT TO:

INT. MR. REDSTONE'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

MR. REDSTONE sits with the back of his giant chair turned towards Stephen.

Stephen goes to sip his coffee and accidentally spills it all over his shirt. He is a mess.

STEPHEN
Jesus Christ!

In the background we hear LOUD SIRENS from fire engines.

As Stephen begins to walk toward Mr. Redstone, the secretary bursts into the door.

SECRETARY
Mr. Murphy...someone just hit your car...it's on fire! And what's that all over your shirt?

Stephen, utterly defeated, gives a blank stare. He slumps his shoulders and walks out of the office.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. MR. REDSTONE'S OFFICE - LATER

Stephen walks into Mr. Redstone's office. His hair is disheveled, and the front of his white shirt has turned a pale brown color.

He walks toward Redstone's desk.

STEPHEN
Mr. Redstone? I'm here for my interview. Sorry I'm so...

Mr. Redstone's chair slowly turns around to

Reveal: Mr. Redstone is the older gentleman whom Stephen helped out earlier in the day.

Stephen's jaw nearly drops as Mr. Redstone smiles.

MR. REDSTONE
Late? It's okay, son. We all have those days.

FADE OUT:
Click to expand...

It was predictable. I knew as soon as you gave Stephen and the Old Man the following dialogue:

STEPHEN
It's really no problem. We all have those days.
(beat)
Well, I have to get going. I'm going to be late for an interview.

Stephen begins to leave.

OLDER MAN
Yeah, me too!
Click to expand...

What was going to happen...

Don't get me wrong... I like the IDEA of what you're trying to do here but I think in order to really make it more effective, you've got to tweak the dialogue a bit more and leave some of it OUT so we aren't predicting the outcome.

Good luck with it!

filmy
 
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Thanks a lot for the help and comments everyone.
I can see how it could be predictable given the dialogue. I could edit it, and if I ever decided to shoot it I would definitely edit it.
And, about the two men not seeing each other, I guess the audience would have to suspend their disbelief a little bit. On screen one way I'd be able to sidestep that issue would probably be to have the protagonist very involved in filling out all the forms so that he never sees the older man.
 
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