Yay, Bears WON! Ok, now I can respond.
That was absolutely adorable! I had a hard time not laughing (and getting funny looks here at work)! And, of course, as a huge Douglas Adams fan I appreciated the "Santa's just this guy, you know?" line. I'll have to read it again to see if I can say anything more constructive than I liked it. The character doesn't sound 9, but that's part of the joke, so it's appropriate. Anyway, great job on that!
Thankyou! I was hoping someone would pick up on that joke.
Tbh, i like the first one better. The conflict between the girl and brady was more interesting than the conflict between the girl and santa.
This one has more funny moments and a very cute candle lit dinner. But it runs too long. The first one was tighter.
I would incorporate the candle lit dinner as an ending in the first draft after the conflict was resolved between the girl and brady.
It may seem like im being quite negative here but you know from our talks that i love the idea and the story and think it is too endearing for words! Both drafts are good, im only providing my own opinion as to how i think they could be even better.
The main problem that remains in my mind is still the same from the original draft: Brady's character. Other than his mission and search, there is not much character change. If he were to learn in the conflict with the girl that kidnapping is wrong or something of that sort before she forgives him, Brady would have a short character arc making the story a little deeper.
Once again, i love both the drafts!
Thanks for the honest feedback. You're not being negative, the best way to test the foundation of a house is to take a sledgehammer to it and see what's still standing afterwards. And that's why I posted the script
You make a good point about Brady's arc. And I'm not trying to sound argumentative here, but am sincerely curious. I wonder, does he really
have to change in the end? Surely, growth and a 'lesson learned' could add more depth, but can a story's resolution trump a character not having a full emotional arc? Or is that just wishful thinking because I'm having trouble coming up with a solution to that problem (without getting way too cliche, or worse, too lengthy)?
I'm glad this one has more laughs, you can't get too many. As for the boy/girl vs girl/santa conflict, I wonder if I could blend the two endings. Maybe Brady is talking to the still-tied-up Santa in the closet when the girl walks in(or she could just open the closet after she hears the noise during their dinner.) Then they have an argument, ignoring Santa who's still gagged and looking on. (I'm gonna think out loud here) Sofia chides Brady for his actions but then the energy turns as she starts getting a bit evil and planning on doing something bad to her father (who always embarrasses her). Brady is hesitant and starts to think it's all gone too far and he regrets what he's done and loses his attraction to the girl.
i'm quite a demented guy so i took the black comedy element a little further...i thought it would of been way cooler if the film opened with the kid just finishing off killing a baby bird that fell out of the nest...like making the kid a little psychopath...and making santa REALLY scared of this kid, and the kid maybe breaks santa's fingers or something along those lines. and the girl NEVER speaks, she just has baffled expessions and the psycho kid does all the demented ranting trying to please her and while torturing her father in the next room, maybe for information on the things she likes so he can win her over...i dunno. something to sharpen it up. give it real perspective. as it stands the whole thing tries to be cute but struggles because the kid is quite unlikeable, so screw cute and make him pure evil...now thats good ol' black comedy...like nightmare before christmas. ah, i think this would also suit a stop frame animation. really good concept though and alot can be done with it. to sum up:
less dialogue. more direct perspective. more punch. more black christmas. more evil=more laughs from me. thats just me though...
I love a dark comedy. I do prefer the idea, though, of Brady being a normal nice kid going to extremes over love. Though in my previous draft I did take it a little farther, with a cut to Santa having a bloody lip and black eye, but it didn't fit to me without changing it.
Thanks for the ideas, though! Keep 'em coming, you're getting me thinking
I liked it a lot. Fast paced and witty. The ending is okay, not on par with the set up and build up. Not a weak ending but not strong. A clever ending would really put this over the top.
I agree completely. A clever ending would make it so much better.
Question:
-What was the purpose of the Salesman scene?
-If you plan to shoot this, you will need two extraordinary child actors. Got some?
-The salesman scene was just a part of that greater sequence to show that Brady is spending all his time hoping to see/find the girl. You're supposed to get the impression that every time the doorbell rings, he rushing to answer it in case it's the girl. But yours and others feedback makes me think it may not be necessary, and at worst it's confusing.
-I do plan to shoot this. No, I don't have actors yet, but I'm confident that there are good child actors in Chicago. I do plan on paying 50-100 a day to my actors so I can get good ones.
Dready,
I have no nits to pick, only a hearty "Bravo!"
Great fun.
-Charles
Thanks, Charles! That means a lot coming from you
It was well written. It kept me "turning the pages".
I agree with Brian about the salesman scene.
Also:
How did the boy manage to bring the girl to his house?
Where were the boy's parents all this time (while Santa was tied up?
The ending wasn't completely satisfactory.
Thanks, and thank you for reading it! To answer your questions
1. The boy didn't get the girl to come to his house, he expected that she would show up looking for her father, but actually she had been planning to come over after their meeting in the park, but just had to wait for an opportunity to sneak out. Or at least that's what I was trying to imply (to some extent)
2. I decided to throw in some healthy suspension-of-disbelief in regards to the parents. They aren't around. It's not explained.
Heheh, adorable, as Josh said. Lively, fast, easy to visualize. I especially love the punny props (ie: garland-tied gag). Bet you could add a few more seasonal visual jokes like that without it being overkill.
Great job, Dready!
Thanks, bird! I'm gonna throw in as many as I can think of. Do let me know if you get any cute ideas, I'd love to hear them
I agree it's awesome. Great work, Dready.
Thanks!
I agree that the story might be better served without the salesman scene. I see what you were doing there and I like the reason behind it but I have an easier time buying the fantasy of an 8 year old drugging and kidnapping Santa without any parental presence. As for the ending, I did not care for it at all. I would have preferred Sofia to look in the closet and see her father tied up then shrug and close the door before returning to her milk and cookies.
Good idea there. It could be that simple and totally work. re: the salesman scene: I'm definitely thinking of chucking it. Partly because it would simplify production, too, not having to have those other 2 actors.
Thanks again everyone for reading it and sharing your thoughts! Don't stop now!
