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Logline critiques

In the golden age of Egypt, Akhenaten and Nefertiti struggle with self identity, A Queens ambition to keep the royal bloodline in tact, a divide in the palace and the priest of Karnak that do not want his reign to succeed before his crowning in 6 days.

EGYPTIAN GOLD
 
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''Charismatic princess'' is not exactly descriptive.

After reading it, I think it's a kind of ''biopic'' about the prince and the princess's rule, is that right? If so, then it's a good, although I would ''dumb down'' the second half a bit. It's a bit difficult to understand.
 
I suspect there is more to the story than you tell in this logline.

Almost all stories about Princes and Princesses are about maintaining
power by any means. Almost all Princes are wealthy and ambitious.
Almost all Princesses are beautiful and charismatic. With a logline
tell us what is different about your story. Assume we know they
are beautiful, wealthy, ambitious and charismatic and want control
and tell us what sets your story apart - what will make us want to
read the screenplay.
 
This is not a logline, it's what an empire is or was. What's the story? THAT is your logline.
 
Thanks for all the advice... I understand..let's make it a logline

In the golden age of civilization, shaped by his unrelenting mother, an unconventional prince and princess are propelled to the throne to preserve the palace and royal bloodline, against the greed of nations that do not want his reign to begin.
 
Logline critiques...EGYPTIAN GOLD

In the golden age of civilization, shaped by his unrelenting mother, an unconventional prince and princess are propelled to the throne to preserve the palace and royal bloodline, against the greed of nations that do not want his reign to begin.
 
Still no information about the story. It is too general. There is always interest about Egypt, but the logline must have information about the story.
 
I think it's too complicated. There must be a way to describe the nature of the protagonist without including his mother. You didn't include her last time, so I'm guessing she's not that important. Also, I noticed you added clear antagonists, probably someone told you that your previous logline missed the real conflict. Okay, but how is this different? I think we have all guessed that the problem would probably be the other nations, who don't want them to rule, I mean that's the whole point of politics.

Let's take a break and analyze some other loglines in the period piece genre (I'm guessing your story is supposed to be one too):

(Braveheart) ''When his secret bride is executed for assaulting an English soldier who tried to rape her, Sir William Wallace begins a revolt against King Edward I of England.'' - The logline doesn't mention anything about the oppression of the Scottish or the politics in general. Instead it gives us a clear personal conflict, something we can all identify with. I have never led a revolt and I have never been oppressed to the point those Scottish were. But I did experience injustice and I did experience love, so I can already feel the emotional weight of the story.

Or here is another one, which is probably closer to your logline in style:

(Lawrence of Arabia) ''The story of T.E. Lawrence, the English officer who successfully united and led the diverse, often warring, Arab tribes during World War I in order to fight the Turks. '' - This one is a bit more objective. It doesn't explain anything about Lawrence's personality, but it gives us a clear image of the conflicts we can expect and why it's worth a watch. If it only said ''A young Englishman takes part in Wolrd War I against the Turks.'', we wouldn't care. But it already establishes the intriguing nature of tribal culture among the arabs, and gives the indication that we can expect it to be a lot more about internal conflicts than external.

Your logline doesn't really gives us personal stakes or an intresting twist. Why should we care that this prince is about to govern an empire? We don't know what a prince is like, we don't know if we care about his story. And the event itself doesn't seem too interesting either. I mean, okay, so some other nations oppose to their rule. That has only happened about 1 000 000 000 times in history.

Now what if you gave the prince a personal conflict? What if the prince and the princess were two entirely different people, forced into marriage and forced to rule together, despite having completely different views on what the empire should look like? What if the princess was against slavery, but the prince was for it? What if the prince was an atheist? I have never seen a movie about an ancient ruler who went against religion (probably because religious beliefs were a lot different back then, but it could be interesting to see).

If you don't want to make it that personal, you could still make the event seem more intriguing. Maybe it's not just the other nations who oppose to the prince, but his own servants too, because of his unconventional methods. Maybe it's not other nations, but the other side of Egypt which opposes him (I don't know when this is taking place, but there was a time when Egypt consisted of two parts, upper and lower). What if the princess was a foreigner from a nation that has just declared war on the country, and the prince would start to suspect her of being a spy?

There are so many ways to make the story sound interesting. And if you can't, then the problem is probably with the story. If the only thing you can say about it is that it's about two rulers, then what's the point? We can just watch a documentary about the pharaos.
 
Forget they are royalty and tell us the story. This should help you pen it. Then go back and use words like prince, princess, castle, royal... if they are needed.

Like a mob movie. All have different stories, but they all have the mob. You are just telling us the mob part. "A family of crime must battle the law and betrayal of their own while trying to maintain their status." Well duh right? The mob. That is not a logline that is a description of a mob family.
 
In the golden age of civilization, a wealthy, ambitious, young Prince with his beautiful, charismatic Princess, are thrust into power to maintain by any means, control of a palace a country and the world.

In the golden age of civilization, shaped by his unrelenting mother, an unconventional prince and princess are propelled to the throne to preserve the palace and royal bloodline, against the greed of nations that do not want his reign to begin.

Gave it a crack for you:

In the golden age of Egypt, an ambitious Prince and his unconventional Princess are propelled to the throne. With jealous family members, rebel factions and wars being fought on all sides they must adapt quickly to preserve the royal bloodline.

Notes:
If it's called Egyptian Gold get rid of word civilization, Egypt sells.

You don't need young or wealthy to describe the prince as that usually goes without saying when it comes to princes. Is ambitious the best one adjective to describe him?

Same with beautiful, charismatic princesses. Is unconventional the best adjective to describe her? If so how is she unconventional?

Sentence two of the logline I had to take a best guess at, as we're really still not sure what the rest of the movie entails from your previous lines.

*edit* reading my logline back it actually sounds like they must procreate quickly. Not intentional, but funny so I'm leaving it as it is!
 
In the golden age of Egypt, Akhenaten and Nefertiti struggle with self identity, a Queen's ambition to keep the royal bloodline in tact, deception in the palace and the priest of Karnak that do not want his reign to succeed before his crowning in 6 days.

Thanks...we are gonna get there...lol
Yall been great!!!
 
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In the golden age, a prince and princess are thrust into power to control the world.

Still doesn't tell me anything.

...Little is more.


I think you mean

a60a5c2db6928de24e9734a3a99962c0.jpg
 
This is the logline of ilisabeth = The early years of the reign of Elizabeth I of England and her difficult task of learning what is necessary to be a monarch.



The first days of the reign of Akhenaten and Nefertiti I of Egypt are learning the difficult task of what is necessary to be a monarchs.
 
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