I might not be the best person to talk to about the first scene. Like I said, I have bad attention span.
-The beginning has to grab me. Her monolog might be fine if the shakiness didn't distract me, or if you had the intercutting. Or if she did the scene in a strange quirky way, or if halfway through her monolog it seemed like she was hiding something. Or what if, before her closeup, you focused on her forearm & she was wearing a wide leather bracelet & she stroked it a couple times, a little hint about her. I just needed something besides her talking. Otherwise she's just a regular girl, talking in a normal way, so what's special about her that I should pay attention? I lost interest because of the length. You might be able to use cuts to go from the opening, to the viewfinder, to her closer shot. I would've liked to get to the next scene quicker, the guy's first few lines are already interesting, there's something at stake.
-When he's waiting on the street for her, it's strange that he didn't notice her car approaching. She parked her car nearby & then walked to him while he was just standing there? If he was preoccupied with headphones or something I'd understand.
-Wouldn't she ask him why this mountain climbing gear was left for him in the middle of nowhere?
-When they're sitting outside & she tells him about her plan, the music's a bit melodramatic. Maybe if it started off very low & then gradually ended at its existing volume. Maybe the music in the next scene in the car might've worked for the talking scene too. It might've been good to have the same piece playing over both scenes, so that the musical feel of her revelation lingers on even more.
-That last shot of her is nice. Maybe if you started a little wider, then slowly moved in. And if you had someone off screen simulate a passing car far away so that a faint light slowly moved across her face, accenting her eyes a little. Then the light leaves, & then you cut.
I like it overall. They're pretty good actors. And you're doing some cool stuff in the edit.