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Old 09-30-2011, 02:05 PM   #1
Dreadylocks
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Feedback would be lovely

Hey guys (and gals), I've got a new draft of my short, Stockholm Santa that I'd love for you to check out. I had it posted in the premiere section but as a lot of you (coughcheapbastardscough) don't have premiere anymore I figured I'd throw it out here in the wild.

It's about 10 pages, and if you've read it before, it's got some minor changes after the first couple pages but the main change is a brand new ending YAY!

I'd also just like to thank Nick, Ernest and Daniel for all the awesome feedback on the first draft. It really helped a lot in these rewrites.

All thoughts/ideas/criticisms are welcome!
Attached Files
File Type: pdf StockholmSanta2nd.pdf (46.2 KB, 41 views)
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Old 09-30-2011, 03:13 PM   #2
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That was absolutely adorable! I had a hard time not laughing (and getting funny looks here at work)! And, of course, as a huge Douglas Adams fan I appreciated the "Santa's just this guy, you know?" line. I'll have to read it again to see if I can say anything more constructive than I liked it. The character doesn't sound 9, but that's part of the joke, so it's appropriate. Anyway, great job on that!
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Old 09-30-2011, 05:08 PM   #3
Ernest Worthing
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Love both drafts!

Critique and suggestions posted in premiere thread.
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Old 09-30-2011, 05:30 PM   #4
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i'm quite a demented guy so i took the black comedy element a little further...i thought it would of been way cooler if the film opened with the kid just finishing off killing a baby bird that fell out of the nest...like making the kid a little psychopath...and making santa REALLY scared of this kid, and the kid maybe breaks santa's fingers or something along those lines. and the girl NEVER speaks, she just has baffled expessions and the psycho kid does all the demented ranting trying to please her and while torturing her father in the next room, maybe for information on the things she likes so he can win her over...i dunno. something to sharpen it up. give it real perspective. as it stands the whole thing tries to be cute but struggles because the kid is quite unlikeable, so screw cute and make him pure evil...now thats good ol' black comedy...like nightmare before christmas. ah, i think this would also suit a stop frame animation. really good concept though and alot can be done with it. to sum up:

less dialogue. more direct perspective. more punch. more black christmas. more evil=more laughs from me. thats just me though...
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Old 10-01-2011, 02:23 AM   #5
brianluce
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I liked it a lot. Fast paced and witty. The ending is okay, not on par with the set up and build up. Not a weak ending but not strong. A clever ending would really put this over the top.

Question:
-What was the purpose of the Salesman scene?
-If you plan to shoot this, you will need two extraordinary child actors. Got some?

Thanks for posting this here in the slums an not in the elitist oligarch section.

above comments are mere personal opinions and worth less than 2 centavos.

Last edited by brianluce; 10-01-2011 at 05:17 AM.
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Old 10-01-2011, 02:33 AM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dr stilly View Post
i'm quite a demented guy so i took the black comedy element a little further...i thought it would of been way cooler if the film opened with the kid just finishing off killing a baby bird that fell out of the nest...like making the kid a little psychopath...and making santa REALLY scared of this kid, and the kid maybe breaks santa's fingers or something along those lines. and the girl NEVER speaks, she just has baffled expessions and the psycho kid does all the demented ranting trying to please her and while torturing her father in the next room, maybe for information on the things she likes so he can win her over...i dunno. something to sharpen it up. give it real perspective. as it stands the whole thing tries to be cute but struggles because the kid is quite unlikeable, so screw cute and make him pure evil...now thats good ol' black comedy...like nightmare before christmas. ah, i think this would also suit a stop frame animation. really good concept though and alot can be done with it. to sum up:

less dialogue. more direct perspective. more punch. more black christmas. more evil=more laughs from me. thats just me though...
I hope no one here does this to Santa Claus. I'm a parent, kids find this stuff in the age of connectivity. Keep Christmas special, there are some many subjects worthy of exploitation. Can we just leave Santa out of it? It's a special time for kids.

The babysitter once let our kids watch the horrible, exploitative, fecal, blatantly derivative drivel called "Darkness Falls" -- a failed attempt to horricafy (yeah, horricafy) the tooth fairy, it managed to forever take the charm out of the tooth fair myth for my kids.
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Old 10-01-2011, 04:21 AM   #7
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Can we just leave Santa out of it?
No!!! Santa will get what's coming to him......
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Old 10-01-2011, 06:03 AM   #8
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Originally Posted by brianluce View Post
I hope no one here does this to Santa Claus. I'm a parent, kids find this stuff in the age of connectivity. Keep Christmas special, there are some many subjects worthy of exploitation. Can we just leave Santa out of it? It's a special time for kids.
I'm not trying to be mean here, but if a kid is old enough to search the internet by themselves and find the short, they've most likely already figured out Santa isn't real. That's not even touching the fact that censoring art just because a kid might potentially eventually see it is ridiculous.
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Old 10-01-2011, 07:31 AM   #9
Adeimantus
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Dready,

I have no nits to pick, only a hearty "Bravo!"

Great fun.


-Charles
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Old 10-01-2011, 07:45 AM   #10
dr stilly
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I'm not trying to be mean here, but if a kid is old enough to search the internet by themselves and find the short, they've most likely already figured out Santa isn't real. That's not even touching the fact that censoring art just because a kid might potentially eventually see it is ridiculous.
great point!
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Old 10-01-2011, 07:47 AM   #11
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above comments are mere personal opinions and worth less than 2 centavos.
im thinking of another term for a donkey...begins with A ends with S and has an S in the middle...
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Old 10-01-2011, 01:43 PM   #12
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It was well written. It kept me "turning the pages".

I agree with Brian about the salesman scene.
Also:
How did the boy manage to bring the girl to his house?
Where were the boy's parents all this time (while Santa was tied up?

The ending wasn't completely satisfactory.
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Old 10-01-2011, 04:26 PM   #13
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Heheh, adorable, as Josh said. Lively, fast, easy to visualize. I especially love the punny props (ie: garland-tied gag). Bet you could add a few more seasonal visual jokes like that without it being overkill.

Great job, Dready!
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Old 10-01-2011, 04:32 PM   #14
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I agree it's awesome. Great work, Dready.
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Old 10-01-2011, 08:30 PM   #15
brianluce
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Originally Posted by SinEater View Post
I'm not trying to be mean here, but if a kid is old enough to search the internet by themselves and find the short, they've most likely already figured out Santa isn't real. That's not even touching the fact that censoring art just because a kid might potentially eventually see it is ridiculous.
You obviously don't know much about what kids are like these days.

And who is talking about censorship? Where did I say that? Huh? No need to distort.
And I'm talking about taste. You and doc silly should consider that just because we can make something doesn't mean we should make something. That's my simple little point, and it's lost upon both of you.

I'm not trying to be mean either.
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