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Annie of the Thousand Lilies - Short

Hi, good folks.

If anyone has the time to take a quick look at my 6-page short, ANNIE OF THE THOUSAND LILIES, I'd be deeply honored and very grateful.

Any thoughts are appreciated, and I've a thick skin, so be honest.

-Charles


Title: ANNIE OF THE THOUSAND LILIES
Genre: Drama
Pages: 9
Logline: A young woman with Huntington's disease befriends an older woman and survivor of Auschwitz who cultivates a garden of lilies on an apartment building rooftop.


http://www.politikonzoon.com/ANNIE.pdf




PS, I just remembered my friend Dready welcomed me back to the forum in another thread that I've subsequently lost track of, and I'd like to thank her for her kindness. Muchos Gracias, Señorita!
 
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If anyone has the time to take a quick look at my 6-page short, ANNIE OF THE THOUSAND LILIES, I'd be deeply honored and very grateful.


Ok, let me rephrase that:

ANY feedback or comments at all, even if along the lines of "That's not script-writing, that's typing" or "sucks seedless watermelons through a garden hose" is guaranteed to be met with wild enthusiasm.

Help me out, o brothers and sisters?

-Charles


p.s., I promise to reciprocate as much and as often as the swamp I'm currently draining of alligators allows me to.
 
I appreciate the attention you put into the characters and description. To me it came across as forced. You mention Chelo's HD but never show the impact of the uncontrolled jerks that can interfere with daily life. I never felt anything for either character. I think it woul have helped to have Annie describe the power of seeing the lily as a child at Auschewitz rather than have Annie describe it secondhand. It moved through the scenes so quickly with so little development using stock symbolism, that at the end I felt cheated as a reader--not getting to know Annie (or Chelo). I felt I was 'expected to cry' rather actually feeling any genuine emotion.

If you're shooting this yourself, the shot descriptions are appropriate. If not, I found them very distracting as a reader. I would take them out (all of Chelo's POV shots), and do more character development. I know you to be a very talented screenwriter. This script just didn't grab me.
 
I appreciate the attention you put into the characters and description. To me it came across as forced. You mention Chelo's HD but never show the impact of the uncontrolled jerks that can interfere with daily life. I never felt anything for either character. I think it woul have helped to have Annie describe the power of seeing the lily as a child at Auschewitz rather than have Annie describe it secondhand. It moved through the scenes so quickly with so little development using stock symbolism, that at the end I felt cheated as a reader--not getting to know Annie (or Chelo). I felt I was 'expected to cry' rather actually feeling any genuine emotion.

If you're shooting this yourself, the shot descriptions are appropriate. If not, I found them very distracting as a reader. I would take them out (all of Chelo's POV shots), and do more character development. I know you to be a very talented screenwriter. This script just didn't grab me.

Hi, FantasySciFi

My biggest concern was the burden of brevity and that in trying to keep it under 6 or 7 minutes I was short-changing character development. A story needs to be as long as it needs to be in order to be told well.

As to your other points, I concede them.

Many thanks!

-Charles
 
Hi Charles

First let me say that I (usually) love your work and once again your style is impeccable. But, as you might've guessed from the parenthesised 'usually', I wasn't really a fan of this piece.

I'm going to sound quite cynical but this is genuine criticism and recommendations.

Huntington's and Auschwitz is just too much emotional manipulation for 7 pages. You've got the tragic, beautiful, young terminally ill woman (who just happens to be a poet) as your central character and I have to say that it feels recycled. It's a bit of a cliche and one that I think a lot of people find very irritating.

The symbolism of the flowers will work well on screen but, again, it's a big ol' clunky cliche. I just think that with only the wistful, elliptical voiceover to go by then you're simply ladling three big cliches onto the screen (dying poet, Holocaust survivor, floral metaphor) without really establishing a relationship between them.

Recommendations: I'd try and add a spark of humour to the VO just so that the central character doesn't frustrate the viewer. I also think it's important to establish more about Annie in her own right (and her relationship with Chelo) before you build to the emotional crescendo. To be honest I'd consider ditching the Holocaust thread (if that isn't vital to the story. If it is you could ditch Huntington's...) just because I don't think it's necessary and you don't want to overload the viewer with reasons to cry. Especially with a short film it's important that there's emotional focus and I think this is pulling the reader in two directions resulting in, as FantasySciFi says, neither character really tugging at your heartstrings.

But I would also stress that the writing is very lovely and lyrical and I'm sure you'll have no problem making this into an affecting mini drama but, for me, it's not quite working at the moment.
 
Hey, Nick

Not cynical at all. This is exactly what I'm looking for.

Many thanks, my friend!

-Charles

Hi Charles

First let me say that I (usually) love your work and once again your style is impeccable. But, as you might've guessed from the parenthesised 'usually', I wasn't really a fan of this piece.

I'm going to sound quite cynical but this is genuine criticism and recommendations.

Huntington's and Auschwitz is just too much emotional manipulation for 7 pages. You've got the tragic, beautiful, young terminally ill woman (who just happens to be a poet) as your central character and I have to say that it feels recycled. It's a bit of a cliche and one that I think a lot of people find very irritating.

The symbolism of the flowers will work well on screen but, again, it's a big ol' clunky cliche. I just think that with only the wistful, elliptical voiceover to go by then you're simply ladling three big cliches onto the screen (dying poet, Holocaust survivor, floral metaphor) without really establishing a relationship between them.

Recommendations: I'd try and add a spark of humour to the VO just so that the central character doesn't frustrate the viewer. I also think it's important to establish more about Annie in her own right (and her relationship with Chelo) before you build to the emotional crescendo. To be honest I'd consider ditching the Holocaust thread (if that isn't vital to the story. If it is you could ditch Huntington's...) just because I don't think it's necessary and you don't want to overload the viewer with reasons to cry. Especially with a short film it's important that there's emotional focus and I think this is pulling the reader in two directions resulting in, as FantasySciFi says, neither character really tugging at your heartstrings.

But I would also stress that the writing is very lovely and lyrical and I'm sure you'll have no problem making this into an affecting mini drama but, for me, it's not quite working at the moment.
 
A-

As with other reviewers, do think you're trying to pack too much into 6 pages. The basic writing quality is there, but the story line is too much for such a brief short, to the point you truncate visuals a few times (e.g., the line on page two, "Time has passed.") It almost visualizes as a trailer for a feature, not a short (I don't mean this in a negative way.).

Also, in order for us to really feel the effect on Chelo through her knowing Annie, we need to *feel* what's happening to Chelo in the beginning, and it wasn't there for me. --Just don't think you can dialogue "Huntington's" and "Auschwitz" and make a strong connection. The lilies are quite visual but we must comprehend their meaning beyond telling us in a line of dialogue or description. The short screenplay "Pigeon" is a good example of an approach like this, I think it's in a book on writing short screenplays but might be on the web.

Perhaps you could write only about their first meeting on the rooftop, as there are possibilities of good drama there, perhaps ways to break beyond clichés. Good potential for an emotionally-charged scene. Just thought of this- could you use the knife in a way that Chelo visually and emotionally connects to Annie's tattoos?

Anyway, a few thoughts. Good luck and keep at it-- would love to read the next draft!
 
Hi, Kevin

Thanks so much for the feedback. I think you're right.

Based on the comments I've gotten (and some reflection), I've put together a revision:
http://www.politikonzoon.com/anniev02.pdf

I certainly like it better and I think it addresses many, if not all, of the legitimate problems people have pointed out.

Thanks again to everyone who helped!

best,

-Charles

A-

As with other reviewers, do think you're trying to pack too much into 6 pages. The basic writing quality is there, but the story line is too much for such a brief short, to the point you truncate visuals a few times (e.g., the line on page two, "Time has passed.") It almost visualizes as a trailer for a feature, not a short (I don't mean this in a negative way.).

Also, in order for us to really feel the effect on Chelo through her knowing Annie, we need to *feel* what's happening to Chelo in the beginning, and it wasn't there for me. --Just don't think you can dialogue "Huntington's" and "Auschwitz" and make a strong connection. The lilies are quite visual but we must comprehend their meaning beyond telling us in a line of dialogue or description. The short screenplay "Pigeon" is a good example of an approach like this, I think it's in a book on writing short screenplays but might be on the web.

Perhaps you could write only about their first meeting on the rooftop, as there are possibilities of good drama there, perhaps ways to break beyond clichés. Good potential for an emotionally-charged scene. Just thought of this- could you use the knife in a way that Chelo visually and emotionally connects to Annie's tattoos?

Anyway, a few thoughts. Good luck and keep at it-- would love to read the next draft!
 
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It's sort of amusing to me. I started reading this, I think, soon after you posted it. But one of the things that encouraged me to put it aside were the POV shot directions you included. When I saw FSF mention them and your apparent willingness to revisit that choice, I was encouraged to try again. But, I saw that you still snuck a couple of them in at the end of the rewrite, anyway, Naughty. Or should I say, "Naughty?" ;) I do agree with the other commentators' input above. Also, full disclosure, I've always been pretty much "disease movie" averse.

When I first read the VO in the first draft that you posted, I was thinking that the VO is fine. How else would you convey all the information that you're trying to convey? When I read the VO in the rewrite, it felt less satisfactory for me. I don't know what restraints you are working within as far as the page count goes. Is it self-imposed or from without? Hey, you want to keep this very short. But, at the moment, I'm feeling like you might want to give yourself permission to make this longer in order to really let it soar. Okay, I'm not saying that you should ixnay the VO. Or maybe I am. Or, maybe I'm just wondering how it might be if you tried an alternative version minus the VO. In the rewrite you've added quite a few visual cues that she's ill. Also, the bare bones info about HD could be relayed via dialogue between Chelo and Annie. Such added dialogue might also bring a little more sense of bonding between the two characters. And, I don't know, but it might be more elegant as well. Is it critical that the audience knows that it's HD? Is this short all about HD awareness? Even if it is, how would it be if you instead added text at the end of the short providing facts or statistics about HD. The audience could put two and two together. Well, that's kind of clunky too. So I'm hoping that that's not your mission. Because, as Nick pointed out, these are both pretty heavy subjects on their own. And with HD awareness being a necessary message, it makes the whole thing very...heavy, and perhaps even at loggerheads. But if all you're really after is a reason for Chelo to be suicidal and a reason for her to hook up with Annie, well, things are at least simpler than the former.

I like Annie's flashback. It could be very poetic, evocative, and touching...depending.

CHELO
Did you ever marry?
A long PAUSE.

ANNIE
I was never able to let someone
else see me, what they...did to
me. Don’t worry, it’s ok, really.

This sort of came out of left field for me. Okay, it's normal dialogue for people trying to get to know each other. But within the whole of this short short, if felt unsatisfying for me. Maybe it will grow on me. I have to quickly add that perhaps in the context of a longer dialogue and perhaps in a longer screenplay, it might feel more natural to me. It was my first reaction. Maybe after ruminating on it for a while it would occur to me that my first reaction was wrong.

[Edit]: I forgot to ask if the point of the marriage question has to do with Chelo's relationship with Lewis? As in, like Annie, Chelo is having difficulty allowing a potential husband (Lewis) see her...what HD is doing to her? I do suppose that trying to see it in that context helps me to get it better. =) [/Edit]

ANNIE
You know, we memorized each other’s
names. In case one of us made it
out alive. I can still see the
list in my head but...(she frowns)
now only in my dreams.

I reeeeeeally like the addition of this list. In fact, when I was thinking about this and vaguely visualizing images to go along with it moments ago, it gave me goosebumps...and no figurative speech there either.

CHELO (V.O.)
It’s not important that individual
flowers live on - only that gardens
do.

That's really nice. On one hand it repels me, but on another hand it's lovely. It's potent.

Oops. I had suggested trying a version without a VO. But I don't think I'd want to lose this or the recital of the poem. Hmmm. Well, what if the above was instead dialogue spoken by Annie to Chelo in her education about gardening?

CHELO
In 1945, the gates swung open in
Auschwitz. One thousand tumbled
forth as dry as pebbles from a
planter’s basket. One thousand
were all that were left. They fell
along the road, tried to eat the
grass, and perished.

I am trying to like this. How would a simple and elegant montage to go with this be?
 
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Charles, I loved this.

Normal rules and generally accepted short film practices (GASFP) dictate that short films should focus only on action, there isn't enough time to get to know characters so you should just show us what they do, we don't have enough time to get emotionally involved in the lives of these people so don't give us any backstory, etc.

So my first inclination was to suggest "could you do it without the voiceovers?"

Well now I say, HOGWASH!

You are a poet, and there couldn't be a better medium for a poet who writes screenplays than the short film. And it is in your voiceovers where the poetry really sings. Where we really get to know your characters in a brief amount of time, painted with a brief but eloquent stroke. Your voiceovers are never simple narrations to deflect poor storytelling. Quite the opposite, really. I don't feel at all that you are trying to push emotional buttons or pull strings. You are very poetically describing real people within the confines of a small movie, and it works.

The only thing that felt vaguely contrived was the Lewis connection. I'm wondering if Chele might learn a different lesson from her time with Annie and break it off with him. Break it off to live the last chapter of her life in peaceful solitude, like Annie. I'm wondering if Lewis might be an obstacle to her happiness, and by letting him go and not seeing her she can be free. Just riffing...

And the name Annie Leibovitz inevitibaly makes me think of the famous photographer. I don't think this is symbolic, so you might want to consider a different name.

-Joe
 
rich,

Thanks a load for your detailed and very helpful critique. You have some excellent suggestions that I'll seriously consider. And no, not naughty, just lazy. ALL the POV's are gone now.


Joseph,

Your kind words will go to my head. I do like your suggestion regarding Lewis!



Thanks again to everyone who helped, you're all amazing!

And now I'm heading back to work on the feature script for Joseph. I'm writing a Russian Roulette scene that will blow THE DEER HUNTER out of the water.

Excelsior!

-Charles
 
A-

Nice improvements, well done.

Thought you might have Chelo's V.O. start earlier, when we first see the physical anomalies. Also, the "early-onset" dialogue seems too clinical, same for later with "but the mind…" Unless of course, it's part of her character arc. If it reads well enough to film, you can play with the V.O. in editing to get it right.

If you were to show a white lily on the rooftop, perhaps one the women are planting, it could be edited as a nice visual transition from the present to Annie's past in the flashback.

Last, I wanted another quick shot between scenes on page 6, after Lewis calls (perhaps Chelo putting on a smock?), it seemed too abrupt:
She frowns, doesn’t answer it.
<EXT....>
-Annie and Chelo work among the flowers.

Hope you don't mind so many notes and ideas. Keep up the great writing!
 
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