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Old 07-23-2005, 06:50 AM   #1
Elmore_Brown_Co_Ltd
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Maryland
Posts: 5
Post "Draggy Hits Pay Dirt"-Draft1 a slangful-urban-pulp college-styled drama-FeedBack **

Please review my really rough drafted, unfinished script:

"DRAGGY HITS PAY DIRT"

by

Edward Washington


(private comments to: edwardwashington@gmail.com)

(C) 2005 Edward Washington & Elmore Brown (Ent.) Co., Ltd.

http://www.geocities.com/elmore_brown_co_ltd/


http://www.geocities.com/elmore_brow...rsionedPDF.pdf



***
Tagline: "Someone's Name Is Mud!"


Script overview:This is the story of what happened - "that day". that day Draggy met the Grunt.


Script Sample passages:

MAN
No, hell no. It'aint ova. I hit that scumsucker right upside his unshaven hog's breath. Smack! Crack! Dap! Until I finally hit the wall...

--

ALTON
Hey man - I can't believe you think I'm a no-gooder, undereliable or deporable person? I'm not hood-living, in a derby hat! My father isn't some no good drunk. I'm a college student, see heres my card... I live over there, thats why I'm here on foot...and got this backpack...look at me, you know I am...

---

ALTON
Oh, it's totally up to you... It's no prize package but it's qualified bomb. Doesn't matter to me either way, just trying to help you out - do the best I can. Like I don't even know you...I'm risking alot by doing this...you could be..

MAN
I aint no stool piegeon! No dog's nose..

ALTON
I never said you had your nose open...

----

MAN
Last weekend, I came down here, to Salisbury...was coming out the hockshop...you know...


ALTON
Hockshop?

MAN
Pawnshop. Pawnshop.

ALTON
Crazie Louies, the one right down...like 3 blocks thatway?

MAN
Uh-huh.

ALTON
Drug addicts have turned that spot, once elegant, into a straight up needle park!


MAN
Oh yeah, listen, this Ho-Daddy who was standing outside when I entered, was still out dere when I was leaving. This blow-hard, wise guy acted all like he had knowledge and authority he didn't have shit.

ALTON
Damn. What was he saying?

MAN
Talkin bout. Asking me if I wanted any. Saying his shit would really hit the spot.

ALTON
Yeah...and?

MAN
His hocus-pocus took my money and he continued by said some filthy, defiling, hockey about me being white and laughed over stealing his stealing my money.

ALTON
That really sucks man...he was a dispicible limp-dick, you gatta get a better sorouce and I got ya, no more numb-brained dealers....that I hope you learned...deal with us college kids.

--------------------------------



Enough sample of the script....go on read the thing....but consider:

Please be adult with the comments, its a -highly- rough draft, I know theres typos and gramatical errors ... I will fix that simple stuff later... concise the lengthy dialog, etc.

Just want **** plot feedback, story feedback, overall feeling feedback, not the things I know are apparent folks


Again:

Warning this attatched script is very rough but the content is
definately understandable and comprehendable, my friends.

Just check it out and if your not hooked by the first page then simple
stop reading and tell me 'you weren't feeling it' - I love all
criticism so be comfortable with your comebacks to me with a response to
my short script "Draggy Hits Pay Dirt" (PDF avail at the above embedded link)

It's a modern, urban pulp fiction type story revolving around a college student who has some issues with debt-- nothing real violent crimewise,
and more on the lingo / dialog which still isnt anywhere near perfected - ha -
this is just like a preview to get a hint of what I plan to perfect
write and produce - hopefully sooner than later...

Please your opinion counts, check it out and critize honestly...

It's rough and obvious typos and mistakes but I'm more trying to get
everything down first before I go back and clean everything up.... so
don't think its bad because of the apparently obviously grammar
glitches and spelling errors.


Thanks guys!
'Preciate any advice or feedback,
But I do have my own stlye and don't want to conform to the bland typical, everyday stuff.... hehe.

Until-time-time -- until some feedback/comments are left or directed my way,
Take it easy, everyone,
Respectfully,
Edward Washington

PS -------->>>>

Oh - oh - btw - the attatched contains a ton of slang languge like in
the dialog... so be warned - hope you can understand it - but I think
I write it in a way that is hip and lightly funny but still dark and
foul. You tell me, please.

Admin edit:

Image edited out - too large, messing up posts.
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Old Today   #1A
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Old 07-23-2005, 06:54 AM   #2
Elmore_Brown_Co_Ltd
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http://www.geocities.com/elmore_brow...rsionedPDF.pdf

Thats the link to it!
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Old 07-25-2005, 11:21 PM   #3
Boz Uriel
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Quote:
Please be adult with the comments, its a -highly- rough draft, I know theres typos and gramatical errors ... I will fix that simple stuff later


With that in mind, and this comes straight out of fiction writing 101, never let anybody see your writing in this state. I honestly donít see the point of posting something this (and Iím using my adult voice here) 'raw'.

When you take a moment and consider the depth and wealth of knowledge available to you on this board, it boggles me to think why you would post something like this. I'm not trying to start a flame war or irk you so badly you leave and give up, I'm just saying there are people on this board who make really good films. Yours might be one of them someday so why wouldn't you make everything you post as clean as possible?

Maybe it's just me - but I doubt it.

Fix it up and I would love to look at it again.
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