• Wondering which camera, gear, computer, or software to buy? Ask in our Gear Guide.

Thoughts on a feature length script

Hello,

I have pretty much finished 80% of my script. I am currently writing the last 20% and rewriting it but I am taking a break for the next couple of days due to slugging this out the past month. Anyway the last 20% of the script is around 30 pages, whilst the 80% is 152 pages at the moment. I know you will say that seems too much and I agree. It was at at one stage 187 pages but I have been as brutal as I can be to condense the script further. I do believe however that this story does seem larger than normal and 150or just below pages may seem right. To reach that I may need the 80% to be condensed further.

I believe anyone who reads my script is able to have me on this as it is nice to have somebody from the outside to read it and give me their thoughts. I am trying to get a couple of people so that I can look at the constructive feedback and see any common issues I may have. At the moment two people are reading the script but a couple more will be very helpful.

If I can get the whole script condensed to 150 pages, then I can submit it to a screenwriting contest.

The link to the script is below on my google drive (send me a share request if you need to):

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B32svqt43-9ndU1kaHIwYkZxSVk/edit?usp=sharing

I have used Mac word to write my script (formatted it to match screenplay requirements) so I hope it comes out okay when you read it on your computer.

Just so you know what the story is about, here is the log line:


A traditional animation feature length focusing on the survival, consequences and hardships two young siblings must
endure after the death of their parents during a devastating tsunami.

I have drawings of the original characters (I didn't draw them, an friend of mine who is an illustrator has), if you want to use it to help imagine the characters, then here you go. Again if you need a share request then tell me.
There are some who you won't recognised as they don't appear till later. The one with Haruto and Miyu is Chiyo, their mother and Miyu and Keiko drawings are 4 years older versions of themselves which again is later in the story.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B32svqt43-9nMHJ2Wkt1OXBVczg/edit?usp=sharing

Thanks and I appreciate any help you can provide.
 
Last edited:
I had a very quick look at this.

First, congrads on completing your screenplay!!! Well done.

If you don't want honest feedback, stop reading now...
If you don't want honest feedback, stop reading now...
If you don't want honest feedback, stop reading now...

You have quite a few novice screenwriter flags raised, even on the first page. But that's fine - most first screenplays are novice affairs. And screenwriting is rewriting - a first draft virtually always has to be rewritten or have a major polish to bring it up to grade.

You need to learn to write in active voice, not passive voice. Your writing is not tight enough - you include too much unnecessary info and detail that simply slows the read. Your action scenes were not written in a thrilling way - action is difficult to write. You have to amp things up for the reader - pro screenwriters make their screenwriters real page-turners. Your dialogue was too expositional, at times also too on-the-nose and could and should be a lot tighter.

The following articles will help a lot:

Keep Descriptions Brief and Tight
http://reelauthors.com/script-analysis-coverage/keep-descriptions-brief-and-tight.php

How to Write Great Dialogue
http://reelauthors.com/script-analysis-coverage/how-to-write-great-dialogue.php

Stay in Present Tense and Active Voice
http://reelauthors.com/script-analysis-coverage/stay-in-present-tense-and-active-voice.php

Expositional Dialogue
http://reelauthors.com/script-analysis-coverage/expositional-dialogue.php

'On-the-nose' Dialogue
http://reelauthors.com/script-analysis-coverage/on-the-nose-dialogue.php

Overall, good effort but you have work to do to get your script to pro-level.


Thanks for your feedback. I am happy for honest feedback and criticism because it is the only way I can improve, so thank you for your thoughts and the links you have given me. Much appreciated :) Like I said before the people here who gave me comments and feedback had improved my first attempt and now with your feedback I should hopefully be able to improve it more. I will keep doing my best to make it tighter and tighter and hopefully I will get it. Back for me to go back on the Word doc lol

...

Just looked at your links and reading the content provided and applying it to my screenplay, I can see a big difference straight away. If I am wrong then tell me but I can see the difference between my last attempt on the first page and this attempt on the first page based on following the content from the links you provided:

LAST ATTEMPT (BEFORE YOUR HELP)

FADE IN:

EXT. YAMAMOTO’S HOME – MORNING

YAMAMOTO TAKASHI (mid 30s), father with matching brown hair and eyes, wearing glasses.

YAMAMOTO CHIYO (mid 30s), slender mother with twinkling blue eyes and long black hair tied near the bottom.

YAMAMOTO HARUTO (15), handsome Japanese son with dark brown spikey hair and brown eyes.

YAMAMOTO MIYU (10), daughter with ocean blue eyes along with long, black, hime cut style hair.

Haruto BREATHES HEAVY as him and the family run away from their two-story home with Takashi carrying Miyu in front and Chiyo behind Haruto.

Miyu looks past Takashi and sees a big tsunami wave destroying buildings. Her eyes display fear as she clutches onto Takashi’s shirt tighter, unable to look.

Chiyo accidentally trips and falls over. Haruto notices this and tries to help her.

HARUTO
Come on mum!

Haruto looks in horror at the destructive tsunami wave heading towards them.

Haruto and Chiyo run as the tsunami wave SMASHES their home, causing it to BREAK apart and slowly COLLAPSE into the water, SPLASH.

The tsunami wave draws closer to the fleeing family… Haruto turns to see in fear the tsunami wave overshadowing… STRIKE as the tsunami wave furiously sweeps them away with the rubble…

Screen goes black… “Fragments of a Broken Heart”…

EXT. SONOKO – LATER IN DAY

Sun beats down. Haruto lies unconscious over a floating, broken, wooden beam in the water.

FAINT BIRD CALLS barely awakes Haruto… He sees the flooded, destroyed town in front of him.

CURRENT ATTEMPT (WITH THE HELP PROVIDED):

FADE IN:

EXT. YAMAMOTO’S HOME – MORNING

In sheer desperation, the Yamamoto family runs away from their two-storey home…

TAKASHI (mid 30s), father with brown hair matching the color of his tensed eyes, carries his young daughter MIYU (10), long, black, hime cut style hair and ocean blue eyes displaying fear…

Frantically following is son HARUTO (15), ordinary boy with brown spikey hair with eye color to match… and mother Chiyo (mid 30s), slender woman with twinkling blue eyes and long black hair tied near the bottom.

Miyu sees the destructive tsunami wave heading towards them… destroying buildings. Frightened, she grips Takashi’s shirt tighter, hiding her face against his chest.

Chiyo trips over… Haruto notices and heads over to her.

HARUTO
Come on mum!

Haruto attempts to help Chiyo by the hand… but looks in horror at the destructive tsunami heading towards them…

SMASH… the tsunami collides with their home… destroying it… Haruto and Chiyo run away from it… the tsunami continues its chase…

It draws closer to the fleeing family… Haruto looks to see the tsunami overshadowing them… STRIKE… the tsunami ferociously sweeps the family away along with the rubble…

Screen goes black… “Fragments of a Broken Heart”…

EXT. SONOKO – LATER IN DAY

Sun beats down on a flooded, wrecked town of Sonoko.

Amidst the water… Haruto barely lies over a floating, broken, wooden beam, eyes closed.

FAINT BIRD CALLS… Haruto’s eyes twitch… they slowly open, revealing the flooded, destroyed town.

It's like the previous attempt was a chain of events, whilst what I need to do is make those events more dynamic to make it an interesting read.
 
Last edited:
Progression of screenplay

On this post (#22), I am going to include my progress in parts. The reason for this is so other novice screenwriters can look at my journey (a novice screenwriter) on how to try and make a script tighter and tighter. I am not saying my screenplay for one moment is at a good level, but it is just showing how a script can still be improved based on trying to improve writing styles, dialogue and taking the advice from people on this site. Like I said, this screenplay used to be 187 pages, then 152, then 118, now I am going through it again and after going through the first part again, I have dropped it down to 111 pages. So here will be my progress starting with part 1, I will post the next part once re-written which will be soon. There will be four parts. I am including current and previous attempt so you can compare the difference and it will be started and finished at the same stage. Seeing the difference in page count and hopefully improvement in writing shows the tightness occurring.

PREVIOUS:

Part 1: (43 pages) : https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B32...it?usp=sharing

--------------------

CURRENT:

Part 1 (36 pages): https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B32svqt43-9nc2hWZnBzOXJqUUE/edit?usp=sharing
 
Last edited:
Progression of screenplay

Just like to say any honest feedback for post 22 is welcome. It will allow me to know my progress. Plus honest feedbacks are the only way to help novice writers like myself improve.
 
Last edited:
I got to page 6 before I had to quit. TEDIOUS! One of the most boring things in the world is watching someone else play a video game and reading someone describing a board game is little better. As an opening, it is hard ot imagine it more geared and begging ot go in the readers trash bin.

I did skim a couple of other parts. Action sequences as slow due to long cumbersome sentences.

This all beside being haenously long.

This is an out-of-control juggernaut that needs fundamental surgery... such as being dumped and rewritten from scratch.
 
Back
Top