I haven't written too many fight scenes. I'm enclosing a 6-page excerpt, so if anyone could take a look and give me some critique, I'd be extremely grateful. Context: Bad guy Zachariah has murdered young girl Ida's (10 years old) father and kidnapped her. Escaping through a wilderness area, they come upon Samantha (Sam) Sanchez, ex-marine, sunbathing on a back-packing excursion. **Language Warning**
Code:
EXT. BESIDE A SMALL LAKE - DAY
Sam's grooving to the beats on her iPod. She suddenly notices
someone's shadow in front of her.
She grabs the towel, holds it to her chest and sits up
straight. She yanks the earplugs.
Zachariah with Ida stand ten feet away, watching her. He has
a shit-eating grin on his face.
She turns her back to them, grabs her shirt and yanks it on.
She stands up.
ZACHARIAH
It's ok, it's ok. Sorry, Ma'am. My
daughter and I just need a little
water. Didn't mean to interrupt.
SAM
(motions)
Sure, go ahead.
ZACHARIAH
(nods)
Thank you. (to Ida) Be right back,
baby girl.
He passes Sam, sets his sack and rifle beside the water's
edge, takes a canteen from his belt and holds it just under
the surface.
Sam studies Zachariah's back for a few seconds. She turns and
looks at Ida, who's staring at her own feet. She's holding
her backpack in her hands so the Mexican calaca picture is
forward.
SAM
(gestures to backpack)
You been to Mexico?
IDA
(without looking up)
Si.
SAM
I was born there. You speak
Spanish?
IDA
(finally looking up)
I'm learning.
SAM
(In Spanish with
subtitles)
What's your name?
Ida looks to Zachariah, who's back is to them some twenty
yards away. She starts to say something, stops. She looks
back down at her feet.
Concerned now, Sam follows Ida's gaze, then looks back at
her: something is definitely wrong.
She goes down on one knee in front of Ida, looks in her eyes.
SAM (CONT'D)
(Spanish with subtitles)
Tell me now, Child.
Ida looks over Sam's shoulder: finished with the canteen,
Zachariah is washing his face in the water. He looks back at
them and WAVES. Ida waves back half-heartedly.
Sam looks behind her at Zachariah, then back at Ida.
SAM (CONT'D)
(Spanish with subtitles)
It's now or never.
IDA
(Spanish with subtitles)
(lip quivering) My name is Ida. He
killed my Papa. He's going to hurt
you.
Sam tenses, FREEZES, then slowly relaxes. She smiles, nods:
it'll be ok.
Zachariah is standing over Sam's shoulder.
ZACHARIAH
We speak goddamn English here in
the USA. Ain't that right, baby
girl?
Ida nods. Sam stands up and backs way.
Zachariah sets his sack and rifle down, picks up Sam's towel
and begins to dry his hair and face.
ZACHARIAH (CONT'D)
What y'all talkin' about?
Sam casually puts one hand behind her. On her belt, in the
middle of her back, is a small four-inch knife in a sheath.
She removes it.
SAM
(casual with a smile)
I asked her name and if she'd ever
been to Mexico.
ZACHARIAH
Yeah, I think her mother took her
down there once.
SAM
She has such a beautiful name. How
do you spell it?
Zachariah looks at her, grins, puts the towel down. He takes
two swagger-steps toward Sam.
ZACHARIAH
Lots of questions from a girl that
likes to show her boobies.
SAM
You like them, huh?
ZACHARIAH
I seen worse.
SAM
I bet you have, [i]gran chico[/i].
Zachariah suddenly reaches out and GRABS Sam by the back of
her hair and YANKS her forward.
ZACHARIAH
(close to her face)
Quit playing games, bitch.
LIGHTNING QUICK, Sam SLAPS him hard in the face. Momentarily
stunned, he lets go. Before he can react, her knife is
pressing DEEP in his throat: a trickle of blood. He FREEZES,
raises both hands.
SAM
(loudly)
Run, Ida! Run as far as you can.
Eyes WIDE, Ida hesitates.
SAM (CONT'D)
[i] ¡Ahora![/i] Now!
Ida turns and runs up the path.
ZACHARIAH
You want to be careful with that.
You could hurt someone.
SAM
(pushes harder with knife)
Don't fucking move.
ZACHARIAH
So what now, sweetie?
She reaches down slowly and unsnaps the 45's holster on his
leg.
Zachariah turns his head carefully to the side.
ZACHARIAH (CONT'D)
Hey, baby girl. Welcome back.
Sam looks: nobody there. But that gives Zachariah the split
second he needs to grab the wrist of her knife-hand.
They struggle for control of the knife. He tries to KNEE her,
but she side-steps it.
Zachariah YANKS on her arm then SWINGS AROUND behind her.
He releases one hand from the knife, wraps his free arm
around her and re-grabs it with both hands. He picks her up
off the ground in a bear-hug, her back to him, swings her
around, but she won't release the knife.
He balls his right hand into a fist and begins to SMACK her
under her arm and in her rib cage. Air's being forced out of
her lungs with each brutal blow. He's hurting her, but she
won't release her grip.
He re-grabs the knife with both hands and starts PUSHING the
tip toward her throat. She fights it, but he's stronger.
Closer, closer...
She leans to the side and SINKS HER TEETH into his forearm.
He HOWLS, but keeps pushing. She TEARS the flesh with her
teeth.
At last, he can't stand it, releases his grip. She turns and
STABS the knife deep in his side, just above the hip.
He SWINGS at her face, lands it solidly, KNOCKS her several
feet back. She staggers. He YANKS the knife from his side,
grimaces, then smiles.
ZACHARIAH (CONT'D)
Finder's keepers.
Blood flows like a small river from Sam's mouth.
BUT SHE HAS HIS 45 IN HER HAND!
She points it at him in a professional stance and snaps the
safety off.
ZACHARIAH (CONT'D)
Well damn. You know how to use
that. Mad respect, Ma'am.
SAM
Put the fucking knife down.
He THROWS it into the bushes. He looks up the trail where Ida
ran.
SAM (CONT'D)
Yeah, she's getting away, [i]cabrón.[/i]
ZACHARIAH
We'll see. Would you be terribly
disa-fucking-pointed if I told you
it's not loaded?
She looks at the gun. She checks the chamber. She pops the
magazine: empty.
Big grin on Zachariah. She looks at the rifle only 5 feet
from him. He follows her gaze.
ZACHARIAH (CONT'D)
Now, that motherfucker? That's
fully loaded. Think you can get to
it before me, Señorita?
She considers, turns and DASHES toward the lake. She tosses
the weapon and magazine into the lake as she splashes
forward.
Zachariah grabs the rifle, switches off the safety and rushes
forward.
Sam DIVES into the water, goes down deep.
He pulls the rifle to his shoulder, takes aim and FIRES, the
water spews. He FIRES again. He lowers the rifle and watches.
Nothing. He looks back at the trail where Ida ran, then back
to the water. Waits. Nothing.
ZACHARIAH (CONT'D)
Fuckitty, fuck, fuck, fuck.
He takes aim again, holds it, then drops the barrel, looks
back up the trail, turns and rushes to grab his sack. He
slings it over his shoulder and bounds up the trail after
Ida.
The lake is silent and calm. A dragonfly skims its mirrored
surface.
Last edited:
that helped a lot
