Feedback Request: Blue Sun of Arabia - A Romantic Thriller

Hi, Gregory

I’ve read the first ten pages, which is all I have time for now. The concept is VERY ambitious and, despite some issues with the opening scene (page 1 through page 4), I like it a lot. Some notes on the issues I have:

Page 1: I think the opening VO monologue is pretty long, especially if it’s in a foreign language with subtitles. BTW, I don’t believe “Egyptian” is a language, unless you mean ancient Egyptian, and nobody knows what that sounds like. I suspect you mean Arabic?

CHARLIE enters and says: “Doctor Alexander? Are you awake?” --Um, the man is sitting at a desk and writing. Of course he’s awake.

Page 4: “An image of the goddess ISIS, her wings spread and her arms extended: wielding a cup surrounded by glory.” --What does “glory” look like?

“We drop to the floor, discarded in fear, and watch as Charlie gets overtaken by the Cloaked Figure and knocked off screen.” --This is the first time Charlie has been mentioned since the opening. The only way this makes sense is if the camera’s POV is Charlie. But you’ve never indicated as much in the script. If it’s meant to be a reveal to the audience, that’s fine, but be careful keeping secrets from the reader, who’s not quite the same as the audience.

So, you’ve got a normal opening changing to black-and-white silent-film style with subtitle dialogue that transforms into an unconventional POV. It’s cool, but very complicated, and somehow I think you need to clarify that; it confused the hell out of me. Once we left the opening and got into the early MGM studios milieu at the height of the silent film era, things were crystal clear, and I think you captured the feel of the times exceptionally well. Not sure where this goes, but it looks to be an unconventional rom-com that could be a lot of fun. Good luck with it!

Cheers!

I'll read yours...you read mine?

I'll definitely check your work out.

I recently (this week of 4/23/17) published on Amazon Books, and Kindle, a novel called The Last Straw, which I wrote as a framework for film. I'm in the process of finding filmmakers interested in making the film. Thanx for any help. JJM

Synopsis:

In the not-too-distant future, a natural disaster “sneaks up” on the international agency charged with observing and responding to climate change. Indications are topsy-turvy as sea levels and tides are falling, as opposed to rising. As the central characters are drawn into the disaster, readers of The Last Straw get an up-close look at how modern man deals with the challenges of a fluctuating planet and life-threatening climate change.
The Last Straw is also the story of how our social attitudes and values can surprisingly and dramatically change as our lives grow longer. It also explores new and future technology, both realistically and in the realm of science fiction. On the lighter side, it is a sea- faring adventure involving an enigmatic man of great longevity, skills, and personality; a globe-trotting couple who at times find themselves at odds; and a long-lost sibling with a dark past who brings them together. Geologists, climatologists, an oceanographer, and a world-class Elon Musk–like technologist dealing with latent homosexuality round out the cast of characters.
Paralleling the story’s global climate change theme along with ideas of enhanced futuristic technology and communication capabilities, the action extends from the eastern front of the Colorado Rockies to Falmouth, Massachusetts; Andalusia, Spain; Zug, Switzerland; and the Atlantic and Mediterranean waters of the Iberian Peninsula.

Hey. Glad you enjoyed the beginning!

Just to field some responses to your comments.

This is glory:



Its the lines emanating from an object in paintings / hieroglyphs, and is also a masonic reference.

The "are you awake line" maybe could just be an (O.S.) dude enters the tent asking the question then sees hes awake at the desk.

The charlie reveal wasnt supposed to be a reveal so much as its implied. Doc says - rdy ur camera. Half a page later we're in a camera pov. I considered mentioning it but theres really no point. Its not like he lives or is otherwise important anyway.

Good eye on the Egyptian language. It should be in Arabic. I could say hes speaking coptic, but nobodies ever heard of that before. Either way egyptian gets the point across. That its not english forcing the subtitles on the reader.

If you give it a few more pages you hit the core of the story for the most part.

Thanks for taking a look.