Help with first script

I enjoyed it.

*Just some ideas. Take them as you will.

In my opinion, it might be interesting to see a little more of an introduction with Shae. What if she's in the bathroom fixing herself up. Putting on some make up/lipstick/blush. She looks at her watch and mumbles something to herself and rushes out.

This might add a little more depth. Might raise some questions in the viewers mind. Is she getting ready for a date or something?

So she rushes out of the bathroom and comes up to the stairwell door. Pauses and takes a breath and calmly walks through. That's where we see her walking down the stairwell, folders in hand and that's where we see the first exchange between Shae and Eric.

With this opening it kind of shows that this isn't her first attempt to get him to notice her. It adds a little more depth without showing it.

Everything else you have works. This isn't a slapstick comedy so the ending works. It's a tragic, dark comedy if anything and it works as that.

It would be great if she was hanging on the stairwell and yet again, Eric with the phone to his ear walks passed her, bumps into her causing her to swing and twist and he still doesn't notice that she is dead.

That would add a much bigger punch if you ask me. because it shows how society really operates. People don't give a shit what is happening around them. They are self absorbed and living in their own little world. (Example: American Psycho.... That entire movie shows the self absorbed nature of people)

I'd say tweak the beginning and consider the ending.

You're trying to make a statement with this short. There's a theme you're aiming for. Keep that theme going. Have Eric still not notice her even when she is dead, hanging with a sign on her chest that says "Can You See Me Now".

Just my thoughts.

TheOpusFuller said:

It would be great if she was hanging on the stairwell and yet again, Eric with the phone to his ear walks passed her, bumps into her causing her to swing and twist and he still doesn't notice that she is dead.

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Great idea!!

*Tips hat*

Thank you.

Thanks for the tips, everyone. Some wonderful ideas as to how I can tweak it.

TheOpusFuller: I like your ideas about how to adjust the beginning. I'm going to try and work with that. As for:

TheOpusFuller said:

It would be great if she was hanging on the stairwell and yet again, Eric with the phone to his ear walks passed her, bumps into her causing her to swing and twist and he still doesn't notice that she is dead.

Click to expand...

I love that idea! I hadn't thought of that as a possibility, but it works great!

Isn't it interesting how little things can spark your imagination. I came up with the basic premise after hearing 1 line in a song. The last line:

with a quiet strength behind my heels
I have discovered where footsteps are placed placed among the constellations
I will keep the missing keys and disregard
The staircase, tragedies
- i:Scintilla, "The Bells"

Awesome, man.

I'm always here to help and assist if needed.

I hear you on the most simple thing sparking an entire story concept.

I came up with an entire idea for a feature just from my commute on a subway car. It really is amazing.

Good luck with everything.

I liked it. It's hard to have a reason for it happening though since it's only a two minute skit. I liked it for what it was able to do in two minutes.

I've done a major (relatively speaking, for a 2 page script ) rewrite on this. Looking forward to more responses. You've all been very helpful!
http://bit.ly/CanYouSeeMeRev1

I thought it was better at least, but the non-linear narrative wasn't really necessary. At least, I think that's what was happening - the make-up scenes all happened just before the final scene, right?

Leading up to that last scene doesn't really make it more understandable why she killed herself. Sure, it was because of the guy, but surely one guy isn't really something to kill yourself over? It's hard in a short film but you need to develop the character more. I suggest instead of going straight into the make-up-then-stairs scenes at the beginning having a couple of scenes of her day before she heads out - the work folders also seem unnecessary, and it'd be more realistic if it was seperate times of seperate days that they came across each other on the staircase and not just when she goes to work.

Imagine a few scenes showing her social anxiety (because apparently that's what she's suffering from) - fear in her eyes when a supermarket staff member asks for her money at the checkout, or becoming frozen when a crowd of people pass her by on her way home. I'm just spitballing, but something to set up her reactions on the staircase would be good. You could even have similar shots between those staircase scenes that she her anxiety perhaps getting worse - building up the tension in the story and helping to lead to the suicide.

And I don't know whether I mentioned it before but having Shae speak just seems incredibly out-of-character, with the little that you've shown. Having a completely silent main character would be much more realistic in terms of her personality and give her final message that much more oomph.

tl;dr: Non-linear narrative isn't needed, speaking and setting herself up to look pretty are out of character actions, and you need more set up for her character traits.

I thought that the ending was kind of dramatic. I mean sure there is hints that she may love him and is going unnoticed but maybe some calendar shots between scenes to lengthen the film and show time passing (and therefore the severity of the longing is stronger). Then it would make more sense as to why she felt the need to kill herself.