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1st 5 Pages of Nasty Divorce Thriller (Feedback) TV Pilot

Logline: A seemingly upstanding husband enthralled in a nasty divorce is challenged when his secret indiscretions are brought to light by a mysterious hacker forcing him into public humility through a series of terroristic threats​
.

COLD OPEN​
FADE IN:

INT. PARK, RIDDELL AND RAKOWSKY LAW FIRM. MID-MORNING

MICHELLE WILSON is sitting on one side of a polished cherry-wood conference table between two high-powered attorneys both dressed in tailored black suits with solid black ties. On the other side of the table sits ROBERT WILSON alone wearing a dress shirt and black slacks.

ROBERT
(exhaustive)
What are these guys here for? I told you that I’m not fighting you on this. You want a divorce; I’ll give you a divorce. You can have the house. I just want to be able to see Kristina.

MICHELLE
NO! You don’t get to get off that easy. How dare you think you can make it so simple after you’ve hurt our family?

ROBERT
(apologetic)
Michelle, I know I messed up and I’ve lied about a lot of things and I am so sorry for hurting you.​

MICHELLE AND HER ATTORNEYS STAND UP WITH THEIR BRIEFCASES AND SHE SLIDES A DOCUMENT ACROSS THE TABLE TO ROBERT

MICHELLE
(with tears)
You’re sorry for hurting me? Don’t worry, you will be.

MICHELLE AND HER ATTORNEYS LEAVE THE ROOM AND ONE HOLDS THE DOOR FOR HER AND SHE STOPS FOR A MOMENT AND STARES AT ROBERT FOR A COUPLE OF SECONDS. SHE THEN CONTINUES HER EXIT. CAMERA GETS A TIGHT OF THE DOCUMENT AS ROBERT PUTS IT TO HIS FACE TO READ.

FADE OUT:
OPENING CREDITS WITH SUSPENSFUL MUSIC

ACT 1
INT. ROBERTS OFFICE. DAY

Robert is sitting at his desk and his co-worker and best friend Kevin is sitting on the corner of the desk asking him about the meeting.

KEVIN
So, how was the meeting? You’re here and not in jail so it couldn’t have been too bad.

ROBERT
It…(sigh)..it went. I’m just ready for this to all be over.

KEVIN
What did she say? What’s she asking for?

ROBERT
Well, I don’t want anything and I told her that. She can have the house, the cars, the furniture. I just want to be able to see Kristina. That’s it….that’s it.

ROBERT HAS HIS PEN IN HIS HAND AND SHAKES IT AS HE’S SPEAKING

ROBERT (con’t)
She came into the room with two of her lawyer colleagues and starts talking about making me pay for lying and hurting our family.

KEVIN
What do you think she means by that?

ROBERT
I’m giving up everything! So, that I do not know.

KEVIN
Well, I’m hoping for the best and you know I’m here if you need me. Are you ready to go into this meeting?

ROBERT
Yea, I totally forgot about it. I’ll meet you in there.

KEVIN GOES TO THE MEETING AND WHILE ROBERT IS GRABBING HIS NOTEPAD AND BEGINS TO WALK TOWARDS THE MEETING ROOM, A TEXT COMES THROUGH ON HIS PHONE. BECAUSE HE IS IN A HURRY, HE GLANCES AT THE MESSAGE AS HE SCURRIES OFF TO THE MEETING.

ROBERT
(while looking at the text)
I have no idea who this is.

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM

WHILE STANDING AROUND THE WALL DUE TO HOW FULL THE ROOM IS, ROBERTS MANAGER IS LEADING THE MEETING. ROBERT BEGINS TO TUNE HIM OUT AS HIS PHONE CONTINUES TO RECEIVE TEXT ALERTS BACK-TO-BACK. THE CAMERA GETS A TIGHT SHOT OF ONE OF THE MESSAGES AND IT READS “YOU’RE A COWARD, YOU’RE NOT GOING TO FIGHT FOR YOUR FAMILY?”

ROBERT
(under his breath)
Who the heck is this?

ROBERTS MANAGER MIKE
This is very important is everyone paying attention and taking notes?

ROBERTS MANAGER LOOKS OVER AT ROBERT AND TILTS HIS HEAD TOWARDS HIM LETTING HIM KNOW THAT HE IS SPECIFICALLY REFERRING TO HIM.

ROBERT
I’m sorry Mike, I gotta go, I have an emergency.

ROBERT NAVIGATES THROUGHT THE CROWD AND EXITS THE CONFERENCE ROOM.

INT. ROBERT’S DESK

ROBERT SITS DOWN AND LOOKS AT THE MESSAGES AGAIN AND HE NOTICES THAT THEY ALL SAY THE SAME THING. HE SENDS A REPLY BUT THE REPLY COMES RIGHT BACK TO HIM BECAUSE THE TEXTS ARE COMING FROM HIS OWN NUMBER. ASSUMING THAT IT COULDN’T BE ANYONE BUT HIS SOON-TO-BE-EX, ROBERT THEN CALLS MICHELLE.

ROBERT
(on phone, leaving voicemail)
What are you doing? You are the one that filed for divorce, not me. Why are you sending me back to back text messages while I’m at work. Call me as soon as you get this message.

AS ROBERT IS HEADED OUT TO LEAVE, HIS BUDDY KEVIN MEETS HIM IN THE HALL.

KEVIN
Robert, what’s going on, are you ok?

ROBERT
Michelle keeps sending me these weird messages. I gotta get out here and go handle this.

KEVIN
What do they say?

ROBERT RUSHES DOWN THE HALL TO EXIT

ROBERT
I’ll talk to you about it later, I gotta get out of here. Let Mike know that I had to head out because of an emergency.

INT. MICHELLE’S LAW FIRM

ROBERT GETS OFF THE ELEVATOR ON THE 13TH FLOOR, WALKS PAST THE RECEPTIONIST AND NOTICES MICHELLE IN THE CONFERENCE WITH CLIENTS. HE BURST THROUGH THE DOOR AND ADDRESSES MICHELLE.

ROBERT
Michelle, why the hell are you doing this?

MICHELLE
(to her clients confused and embarrassed)
Could you please give me a moment, I am so sorry.

MICHELLE USHERS HER CLIENTS OUT OF THE ROOM AND ENSURES THAT THE DOOR IS CLOSED AND LOCKED. SHE THEN DIRECTS HER ATTENTION BACK TO ROBERT.

MICHELLE (con’t)
What are you talking about and why are you coming on my job causing a scene? Are you trying to get me fired?

ROBERT
(showing his phone to Michelle)
This is what I’m talking about! These “anonymous” text messages you are sending me.

MICHELLE
(while scrolling through the messages and then handing the phone back)
Robert, I didn’t send you this. I’ve been with clients since you left and my phone is in my office. You might want to ask one of your little girlfriends.

MICHELLE OPENS THE DOOR FOR ROBERT TO LEAVE

MICHELLE (con’t)
Now, I’m going to ask nicely and them I’m going to call security. Please leave, I have to get back to making a living to take care of our daughter.

ROBERT GIVES MENACING STARE AND EXITS THE ROOM. THEN THEY BOTH STARE EACH OTHER DOWN AS HE WALKS PAST THE WINDOW OF THE CONFERENCE ROOM AND MICHELLE GIVES A SMALL SMIRK.

EXT. PARK, RIDDELL AND RAKOWSKY LAW FIRM. AFTERNOON

Robert gets outside and his phone begins to alert that he has text messages. He unlocks his phone to read the messages. The message Reads: Haven’t you put your family through enough? You’re a cheater and a liar. You are a horrible person Robert. You just keep hurting the ones that love you.

Robert looks around and the camera gets a tight on a couple of suspicious faces walking down the street making Robert paranoid. Another text message comes through that Reads: I know all about you Robert. You’ve been able to fool everyone at your job, in your family and at your church where you call yourself “counseling” people that look to you for spiritual guidance.

Nervously, Robert begins a text, then hesitates and after looking around, he quickly texts a question asking who is this. He immediately gets a response as though he texted himself. Shortly after he receives a text, just like all the others, from his own number and it reads: I’m like God, I see and hear everything that you do.
Robert looks around with a frightened facial expression and camera fades to black.

INT. SOUTHSIDE BAR. NIGHT

Robert and his best friend Kevin are sitting at the bar as a gorgeous blonde-haired bartender named Lauren approaches Robert to take his drink order.

LAUREN
(in a flirtatious fashion to Robert)
What can I get you handsome?

ROBERT LOOKS OVER AT KEVIN AND SMIRKS

ROBERT
I’ll just take a scotch neat.

LAUREN
Scotch eh?
 
INT. PARK, RIDDELL AND RAKOWSKY LAW FIRM. MID-MORNING

In my opinion, you should be putting "CONFERENCE ROOM"

If orientating the audience to the name and whether it's a law firm, deal with it in the actions. Show a plaque on the wall or set some action to show it's a law firm.

two high-powered attorneys

Show not tell. I'd suggest to describe the office and the people. A $50,000 table in a highrise conference room with a view to kill for, suits described as perfectly tailored, looking like they cost more than my car.

How does an attorney look different say to a wall street banker? This is likely to be something you need to capture in actions/dialog.

Anyway, they don't do anything. It's probably better to leave it out and describe your main character(s).

ROBERT
(apologetic)
Michelle, I know I messed up and I’ve lied about a lot of things and I am so sorry for hurting you.

No need for the parenthesis. It's obvious.

ROBERT
(exhaustive)
What are these guys here for? I told you that I’m not fighting you on this. You want a divorce; I’ll give you a divorce. You can have the house. I just want to be able to see Kristina.

I think the dialog needs work. Use more subtext. Allow the audience to infer. Allow them to work for it. There's no need to spoon feed everything.

KEVIN
So, how was the meeting? You’re here and not in jail so it couldn’t have been too bad.

ROBERT
It…(sigh)..it went. I’m just ready for this to all be over.

KEVIN
What did she say? What’s she asking for?

Ok, an example.

Robert, sluggishly walks across an office bullpen, tie loosened, shirt untucked, shoulders hunched over. Robert slumps into his office cubicle chair, KEVIN in the next cubicle.

ROBERT
I'm so over this.

Kevin, freshly shaven, dressed in a cheap collared shirt, breakfast roll in one hand, pops his head over the cubicle wall. With his mouth half full.

KEVIN
Least they didn't toss you in the slammer. What'd she want?

and so on... until Kevin comes around the cubicle in his boxer shorts and sandals.

Yes, this still needs work, but you get what I mean? It's a little more realistic in how people talk and still gets your point across.
 
You have a lot of newbie mistakes.

Usage errors, grammar, etc.
enthralled = engaged, bedazzled, liking VS. ensnared = trapped, caught up in
exhaustive = comprehensive VS. exhausted = tired
humility = being humble, self sacrificing VS. humiliation = being embarrassed
Capitalizing action statements. Run-on sentence.
KEVIN GOES TO THE MEETING AND WHILE ROBERT IS GRABBING HIS NOTEPAD AND BEGINS TO WALK TOWARDS THE MEETING ROOM, A TEXT COMES THROUGH ON HIS PHONE. BECAUSE HE IS IN A HURRY, HE GLANCES AT THE MESSAGE AS HE SCURRIES OFF TO THE MEETING.​
Directing camera from within the script
" and the camera gets a tight ...", "and camera fades to black."​
Improperly formatted sluglines
INT. PARK, RIDDELL AND RAKOWSKY LAW FIRM. MID-MORNING
There is no 'mid-morning'. INT. LAW FIRM CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY

Just these 'small issues' would cause a production reader to toss this. Having worked with producers, I wouldn't pass it along. However, it's not just the format issues.

For television, you want to have action beats roughly every five pages and major issues every ten or so. This starts off boring. Very low energy from the start. Start off negative with your antagonists and positive with your protagonists. You want the audience to like or at least be interested in them. Robert appears weak and whiny. I'm done watching after page 1. If that was your teaser, I've already flipped the channel.

Make us like Robert from the start. Have her burst into his office, interrupting his day, to serve him the papers. Give him some backbone or at least some reason to believe he's a good, decent guy so he comes across as positive and the audience can sympathize. As it is, I don't like or care for either of them. He comes across as weak, snivelling and a real loser. Not someone I want to spend an hour watching let alone five minutes. The dialogue is rather on the nose. The characters feel very two dimensional. Of course we have to have the bar pick-up scene.

Sorry, the logline doesn't grab me either. What kind of terroristic acts? I'm not sure you're using that word correctly either. How do you publicly humiliate someone by threatening to blow up his car or home? My question is why his best friend Kevin is doing this. Is he being paid by the wife or is he her love interest? Whether formulaic or not, it feels sure that way.
 
Lots of good advice from FantasySciFi.

I have to admit, I didn't get through the second scene before I got distracted and had to press submit early.

The characters could be sounding flat due to the on the nose dialog.

I've been suggesting a particular book lately. "Your Screenplay Sucks". The author is a good teacher on what causes screenplays to suck and what you can do about them. While my writing still sucks, it really helped my writing suck less.
 
Usage errors, grammar, etc.
enthralled = engaged, bedazzled, liking VS. ensnared = trapped, caught up in​


I think he/she actually meant embroiled here.

I read the whole thing, and it was pretty boring. You seem to have missed the point of a cold open - it's supposed to throw the viewer/reader into the heat of the story so that they stick around beyond the title sequence. Cold opens are not meant to be quite so cold! :)
 
Thank you all.

As you all stated, I'm am VERY new to this, actually my first attempt.

I appreciate the candid feedback.

Could someone expound on "on the nose dialogue?"

Thanks a Billion!
 
Could someone expound on "on the nose dialogue?"

People rarely say exactly what they are thinking, even more so on screen. It makes for unnatural dialogue. People use subtext, actions, reactions. A slump of a shoulder, a glance of the eye, gripping a weapon tighter while placating an enemy. There is an added benefit: It allows the audience to interpret.

On the nose dialogue often forces characters to appear two dimensional.
 
On-the-nose dialogue is when your character states exactly what they're feeling rather than showing it. One common way is describing what the audience has already seen, heard or knows. In your script, Robert re-tells everything to Kevin. It's not necessary. Sure, Kevin doesn't know the details, but the audience does. It's one of those instances where you need to avoid repeating yourself. Also everyday banter and chatting really doesn't advance the plot. Normal dialogue drags when put on the screen. It needs to be kept clipped in the script. It actually plays better on film. Films are not plays.
Code:
INT. ROBERTS OFFICE. DAY

Robert is sitting at his desk and his co-worker and best friend 
Kevin is sitting on the corner of the desk asking him about the 
meeting.

                             KEVIN
              So, how was the meeting? You’re here and 
              not in jail so it couldn’t have been too bad.

                            ROBERT
              It…(sigh)..it went. I’m just ready for this to 
              all be over.

                            KEVIN
              What did she say? What’s she asking for?

                            ROBERT
              Well, I don’t want anything and I told her 
              that. She can have the house, the cars, the 
              furniture. I just want to be able to see Kristina. 
              That’s it….that’s it.

ROBERT HAS HIS PEN IN HIS HAND AND SHAKES IT AS HE’S SPEAKING

                            ROBERT (con’t)
              She came into the room with two of her 
              lawyer colleagues and starts talking about 
              making me pay for lying and hurting our family.

                            KEVIN
              What do you think she means by that?

                            ROBERT
              I’m giving up everything! So, that I do not know.

                            KEVIN
              Well, I’m hoping for the best and you know I’m 
              here if you need me. Are you ready to go into 
              this meeting?

                            ROBERT
             Yea, I totally forgot about it. I’ll meet you in there.
On-the-nose writing follows closely with expositional writing where you basically use your characters to verbally provide the backstory through 'twenty questions'. Below is how this could have been handled as an example. It still brings Kevin up to speed but doesn't belabor everything we already know. Rather than answering directly, questions are often answered obliquely.
Code:
INT. ROBERT'S OFFICE - DAY

Robert sits at his desk distracted, fidgeting with a pencil.  

KEVIN (30s), disheveled, slightly pudgy rounds the corner and 
plops on the edge of his desk.

                             KEVIN
              You’re not in jail so I guess it didn’t end up
              getting into a slugfest.

                            ROBERT 
              Oh, she came in guns blazing claiming she'll 
              make me pay for hurting our family.

Robert holds up the divorce papers then lets them drop.

Kevin whistles.

                            KEVIN
              You've lawyered up.  (beat)  Please tell me
              you aren't gonna just roll over and take it?

Robert snaps the pencil in half.

                            ROBERT
              I just want what's best for Kristina.

                            KEVIN
              You know I’m here for you, bro.  Wanna 
              grab a coffee before this meeting?

Kevin slides off the desk.  

                            ROBERT
             Shit.  Save me a seat, would ya?

After Kevin shoots a nod and leaves, Robert focuses on a family 
picture before sliding it in a drawer along with the papers.
You want your writing to be tight and focused.
Original: 51 lines, 9 exchanges Example: 39 lines, 6 exchanges
The other piece is that action statements should help visualize the action going on within the scene. If you were to take out all the dialogue, the scene should still make sense. So from your original:

Inside Robert's office during the day. Robert is sitting at his desk and his co-worker and best friend Kevin is sitting on the corner of the desk talking. Robert has his pen in his hand and shakes it as he speaks.​
Compare that to:
Inside Robert's office during the day. Robert sits at his desk distracted, fidgeting with a pencil. KEVIN (30s), disheveled, slightly pudgy rounds the corner and plops on the edge of his desk. Robert holds up the divorce papers then lets them drop. Kevin whistles. Robert snaps the pencil in half. Kevin slides off the desk. After Kevin shoots a nod and leaves, Robert focuses on a family picture before sliding it in a drawer along with the papers.​
Without sound the first could be any office scene. In the second, subtle inclusions give a sense of Kevin's nature, that this is about the divorce and that Robert is affected by this. You don't need to give elaborate descriptions of the office, his desk, etc. just the key pieces relevant for the dynamics. Actions are often more valuable than dialogue in bringing a character to life.
 
Most of the problems have been well-covered by Sweetie and FantasySciFi.

A few additional notes:

1. Most of the parentheticals you use for your dialogue are unnecessary. For example:

LAUREN
(in a flirtatious fashion to Robert)
What can I get you handsome?

or

ROBERT
(apologetic)
Michelle, I know I messed up and I’ve lied about a lot of things and I am so sorry for hurting you.

The above dialogue speaks for itself. You're only insulting the reader, and revealing the fact you're not a pro, by pointing out the obvious. Only use a parenthesis under a character name if what it describes is blatantly NOT obvious from the context and is something the reader absolutely has to know.

2. Speak your dialogue lines out loud. It'll be easier to catch awkward lines. Remember, people rarely say out loud what they really think. They use subtext.

For example:


SARAH
I think I might have left my apartment door unlocked. (text - what she says)


SARAH
I hate this dive and want to go home. (subtext - what she means)

Good luck!
 
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