• Wondering which camera, gear, computer, or software to buy? Ask in our Gear Guide.

C&C on my very first 3 pages?

Hi everyone,

I would really appreciate some C&C on what I have so far for my opening sequence.

I am sending this in with an application for film school and I'm quite nervous about it.

The story is based on my protagonists struggle with the 'grading system' which is a sort of philosophical view of the struggle creatives face following their passion. Creatives even through school face an uphill battle pursuing a creative career. If Clemence were to pursue a creative passion, because of the grading system it would basically be suicide.

I have a look to work out still and I feel like I haven't articulated myself very well in the first scene. Hopefully I will correct this next pass.

Anyway, I would really appreciate your feedback. It's the first 3 pages I have ever seriously written so...be kind :D

http://taylerhughes.co.uk/thegrading.html

Thanks,

Tayler
 
Last edited:
What is miserable day? dark,gloomy clouds ? Cold? Windy? How can you show a miserable day on screen?

Rain is falling while the sun starts .... Not the greatest sentence construction. Is it dawn? Where is rain falling? Sun+rain often equals rainbow. You said it was miserable day and now it begins to turn into decent day?

A girl runs straight past... Usual character intro is "Clemence (young chubby girl,12,wears funny pink glasses w.e) knocking the man off his feet into a puddle of mud.

Also opening film with random fella who gets knocked down( I assume he won't be coming back into script later on? Correct me if I wrong) is not the most efficient way to describe main character.


Will write more in an hour or so :P
 
What is miserable day? dark,gloomy clouds ? Cold? Windy? How can you show a miserable day on screen?

Rain is falling while the sun starts .... Not the greatest sentence construction. Is it dawn? Where is rain falling? Sun+rain often equals rainbow. You said it was miserable day and now it begins to turn into decent day?

A girl runs straight past... Usual character intro is "Clemence (young chubby girl,12,wears funny pink glasses w.e) knocking the man off his feet into a puddle of mud.

Also opening film with random fella who gets knocked down( I assume he won't be coming back into script later on? Correct me if I wrong) is not the most efficient way to describe main character.


Will write more in an hour or so :P

Thanks for the feedback...how's this...

It's a miserable morning, overcast and the rain is hammering down. The streets would be empty if not for the handful of people braving the bitter winds to inspect their collection systems.

I think I need to go away and think about the introduction of Clemence. I should maybe go about it another way.

Yeah the random bloke is just there to introduce the advanced technology and the importance of capturing at much water as possible. Which I don't think is very clear anyway. I was going for a ironic use of advanced technology, much beyond anything we have at the moment to obtain something so vital and basic as water.

Thanks again for taking the time to comment.
 
Last edited:
It's a miserable morning, overcast and the rain is hammering down. The streets would be empty if not for the handful of people braving the bitter winds to inspect their collection systems...

I'd write this as follows:


It's a miserable morning. The sky is overcast. A bitter wind blows. Rain hammers the rooftops of houses.

A few people are out on the street. They inspect their collection systems.


Note that I changed hammering to hammers. Try to avoid verbs ending with -ing. You characters (or environment) should always do something; they shouldn't be doing it. And try to cut out anything that's unecessary; "braving the bitter winds" is pretty much impossible to show on camera.

Admittedly, I've only briefly scanned your script, but a couple other pointers. You don't need to capitalise names after the first instance. 'Clemence has arrived...' doesn't work, try ' Clemence enters...'.

And, for what it's worth, I think that having Clemence introduced by bumping into somebody is fine.

Best of luck.
 
Why do you need to show this at all? Why not focus instead on Clemence being late? later on shes says that she helped an elderly lady? Was she lying? If not that is a wonderful opening scene that can show a lot of things AND introduce Clemece!

I don't know what kind of futuristic world you had in mind, so I just write some of my ideas not in screenplay format, just short plan:

Rain,wind,umbrellas (or some futuristic thingy) masses of people, vehicles ,robots are rushing through mud to get to work. Picture traffic in Asia, something grand and chaotic.

Clemence is among them quite successfully elbowing and making her way through the crowd. Insert of the watch,7.15. Elderly lady who struggles and can't keep up the pace. bam, someone knocks her over, people walk over her,she is in mud. Clemence notices her. There should be some bus or barge or weird futuristic shuttle, so if Clemence doesn't get on this one she will be late. She glances at the woman,at the bus,at the watch (7.30) and decides to help her nonetheless. Misses a bus.

She comes to work is called to that robot fella. So now you can make a robot really "robotic" - emotionless machine,that simply executes a script. Because you have already shown why is she late. No exposition needed. He asks her questions and as soon as she tries to answer robot speaks again disregarding her, shutting her up. Cause he doesn't care.

This way you will introduce main character as a caring woman willing to sacrifice knowing exactly that she will be punished, robot as a representative of the system, government w.e is evil and opressive mkay. And the world of the story becomes a bit more detailed too.
 
This way you will introduce main character as a caring woman willing to sacrifice knowing exactly that she will be punished, robot as a representative of the system, government w.e is evil and opressive mkay. And the world of the story becomes a bit more detailed too.

That's exactly what I was going for. She running to work because she knows she will lose a "health point" for being late. She will stop to help a lady, I haven't written that bit yet (sorry, I forgot to say in the original post). I will probably have her see the lady in need on her way in. She will pause, check her "passport, thingy" to show how many "health points" she has left, which will be very few. She will then go to help the lady anyway, making her late.

Rain,wind,umbrellas (or some futuristic thingy) masses of people, vehicles ,robots are rushing through mud to get to work. Picture traffic in Asia, something grand and chaotic.

Clemence is among them quite successfully elbowing and making her way through the crowd. Insert of the watch,7.15. Elderly lady who struggles and can't keep up the pace. bam, someone knocks her over, people walk over her,she is in mud. Clemence notices her. There should be some bus or barge or weird futuristic shuttle, so if Clemence doesn't get on this one she will be late. She glances at the woman,at the bus,at the watch (7.30) and decides to help her nonetheless. Misses a bus.

I have a environment in my mind but I haven't done a very good job of describing it in that first scene. I will probably re-write it.
 
I'd write this as follows:


It's a miserable morning. The sky is overcast. A bitter wind blows. Rain hammers the rooftops of houses.

A few people are out on the street. They inspect their collection systems.


Note that I changed hammering to hammers. Try to avoid verbs ending with -ing. You characters (or environment) should always do something; they shouldn't be doing it. And try to cut out anything that's unecessary; "braving the bitter winds" is pretty much impossible to show on camera.

Admittedly, I've only briefly scanned your script, but a couple other pointers. You don't need to capitalise names after the first instance. 'Clemence has arrived...' doesn't work, try ' Clemence enters...'.

And, for what it's worth, I think that having Clemence introduced by bumping into somebody is fine.

Best of luck.

Thank you, that's really good advice. I wasn't sure about the whole -ing -er thing. I will go through and fix everything you mentioned.
 
Hi everyone,

I would really appreciate some C&C on what I have so far for my opening sequence.

I am sending this in with an application for film school and I'm quite nervous about it.

The story is based on my protagonists struggle with the 'grading system' which is a sort of philosophical view of the struggle creatives face following their passion. Creatives even through school face an uphill battle pursuing a creative career. If Clemence were to pursue a creative passion, because of the grading system it would basically be suicide.

I have a look to work out still and I feel like I haven't articulated myself very well in the first scene. Hopefully I will correct this next pass.

Anyway, I would really appreciate your feedback. It's the first 3 pages I have ever seriously written so...be kind :D

http://taylerhughes.co.uk/thegrading.html

Thanks,

Tayler


I didn't read your scenes, but some of the points being bought up here are a little absurd. A script is basically your way of reminding yourself what you have to film. The first thing I would point out is relax, unless you are hoping to publish your script as a best seller book, it is just a road mark to get you or whoever is filming, to key points in each scene, and key lines etc. If you want to write that "the day was like green elephants" you can as long as that sentence means whatever it is meant to mean to you, to remind you of a feeling or thought that you are going for. If others are going to then take that script, then pull out a dictionary and find a better way to word it for sure but don't get caught up in squabbles about what word you should and should not have perhaps used when writing a script that you yourself will film.

My second point is relax (yep same point as my first) if you are going into film school, they are not looking for the best written piece of literature on Gods green earth, they are simply trying to see if you can get your ideas onto paper. Period.

Heres how I would lay out a scene

Director of film school is sitting in his office behind desk. It is daytime and light is coming through the window behind him. Desk has computer and a large stack of paper. Camera is positioned to see the director head on but at a slight angle. Director picks up one paper and rolls his eyes "another wannabe writer" he exclaims sadly to himself. He puts that one in the already well stacked pile to his left. He picks up the next script and reads aloud "scene one, act one. scene is of town on a winters day. Sky is grey. People in street are dressed in warm clothing. Main Character walks at a slow speed down street, away from camera, taking in sights and sounds around him...." Director of film school looks happy and sits back in his chair holding the script still reading it "this is good" he says to himself, this is what we are after". He picks up phone...

And on the scene goes.


From that you could take that scene and film it, filling in details of what else is on the desk with your props team. Wardrobe would acknowledge that a director of film school might wear a suit, but more likely just dress pants and a clean business shirt. Your set designers would decide with you on what sort of desk this character might be sitting at. The camera crew would probably pick a wide lens to take in the entire office. And your lighting people would insure that there is no shadow under the directors chin.
 
Last edited:
FFP - You're not wrong, if tayler plans to shoot this himself, he can write it any way he chooses. That's absolutely fine. If nobody else ever has to look at it, he can even write with a crayon on a length of toilet paper. But there is an industry standard format for screenplays. There's a way things are done, and reason that it's done that way. Why not work to it, so everybody knows what they're looking at and what the words on the paper actually mean? Why not do it properly, when that's actually the easiest option for everybody in the long run?
 
FFP - You're not wrong, if tayler plans to shoot this himself, he can write it any way he chooses. That's absolutely fine. If nobody else ever has to look at it, he can even write with a crayon on a length of toilet paper. But there is an industry standard format for screenplays. There's a way things are done, and reason that it's done that way. Why not work to it, so everybody knows what they're looking at and what the words on the paper actually mean? Why not do it properly, when that's actually the easiest option for everybody in the long run?


Yea I'm not saying not to use common sense obviously...but its like writing a cv isn't it? One mans cv that is too colourful in language is for another not colourful enough. The same goes with scripts. I am not saying to ignore clear and precise layout so that it is understandable for others, I am simply saying that as far as "industry standard" goes, its not understood, and should not be treated as the bible of script writing. We make films, each and every one of us is unique, and our stories have our own personal little intricacies in how we do things and tell the story from script to film. We would no more be constrained by rules then any other artist would and to suggest that industry standard dictates what a man can put in his script is to not understand why those industry standards are there. Those standards are there as guidelines to assist a would be script writer in getting what is needed, down on paper. How and in what manner the would be script writer chooses to interpret that is up to said would be writer, and that is the precise reason that some script writers are chosen over others. For their unique way of writing and putting together said scripts.

I say "let the guy write however he wants to develop his own characteristics...if its crap, the world will let him know, if its good, then we won't have stifled the next Speilberg by caging him."

Out of interest, did you go to film school yourself?
 
Last edited:
Yea I'm not saying not to use common sense obviously...but its like writing a cv isn't it? One mans cv that is too colourful in language is for another not colourful enough. The same goes with scripts. I am not saying to ignore clear and precise layout so that it is understandable for others, I am simply saying that as far as "industry standard" goes, its not understood, and should not be treated as the bible of script writing. We make films, each and every one of us is unique, and our stories have our own personal little intricacies in how we do things and tell the story from script to film. We would no more be constrained by rules then any other artist would and to suggest that industry standard dictates what a man can put in his script is to not understand why those industry standards are there. Those standards are there as guidelines to assist a would be script writer in getting what is needed, down on paper. How and in what manner the would be script writer chooses to interpret that is up to said would be writer, and that is the precise reason that some script writers are chosen over others. For their unique way of writing and putting together said scripts.

I say "let the guy write however he wants to develop his own characteristics...if its crap, the world will let him know, if its good, then we won't have stifled the next Speilberg by caging him."

Out of interest, did you go to film school yourself?

I understand what your saying but considering I'm using this script to learn and possibly submit for review to different places, I think the information has been very helpful and just what I needed.

I don't want to get into bad habits and I defiantly don't want to submit it to a film school knowing there are things I could have done to make it more presentable/of higher quality.
 
Yea I'm not saying not to use common sense obviously...but its like writing a cv isn't it? One mans cv that is too colourful in language is for another not colourful enough. The same goes with scripts. I am not saying to ignore clear and precise layout so that it is understandable for others, I am simply saying that as far as "industry standard" goes, its not understood, and should not be treated as the bible of script writing. We make films, each and every one of us is unique, and our stories have our own personal little intricacies in how we do things and tell the story from script to film. We would no more be constrained by rules then any other artist would and to suggest that industry standard dictates what a man can put in his script is to not understand why those industry standards are there. Those standards are there as guidelines to assist a would be script writer in getting what is needed, down on paper. How and in what manner the would be script writer chooses to interpret that is up to said would be writer, and that is the precise reason that some script writers are chosen over others. For their unique way of writing and putting together said scripts.

I say "let the guy write however he wants to develop his own characteristics...if its crap, the world will let him know, if its good, then we won't have stifled the next Speilberg by caging him."

Out of interest, did you go to film school yourself?

There is craft and art. technique and style. A well crafted script does not immediately imply great work of art. But all great work of art are extremely well crafted.

What you are saying is forget the technique, express the style. But style comes after technique is mastered.
Picasso first learnt how to paint perfectly realistic pictures, before distorting the shit out of reality. And when students came to him to ask him to teach how to paint, he asked them to bring an anatomically perfect drawing of a horse and not some abstract piece of crap.
 
There is craft and art. technique and style. A well crafted script does not immediately imply great work of art. But all great work of art are extremely well crafted.

What you are saying is forget the technique, express the style. But style comes after technique is mastered.
Picasso first learnt how to paint perfectly realistic pictures, before distorting the shit out of reality. And when students came to him to ask him to teach how to paint, he asked them to bring an anatomically perfect drawing of a horse and not some abstract piece of crap.

No thats not what I am saying...If you look at everything I wrote in this post including my example script, you will see that I am not saying to forget technique at all. I am saying write a clear and legible script, but don't be afraid to use or not use certain words if they feel right to you.

I guess I can in a way see how you misunderstood what I meant there, but to clarify, the guidelines are there for good reason, nobody wants to see a script that nobody can understand, or a script that does not lay out scenes in their correct order with the vital details. BUT if one wants to describe for instance a day with rain rather then a day with light grey cloud and a medium amount of drizzle, I think its ok. If he is writing it for himself he will get it, and if it is read by somebody else they will have a reasonable understanding of what a day with rain means and will shoot accordingly.
 
Last edited:
No thats not what I am saying...If you look at everything I wrote in this post including my example script, you will see that I am not saying to forget technique at all. I am saying write a clear and legible script, but don't be afraid to use or not use certain words if they feel right to you.

FFP – Is this what you’re referring to as your sample script…..


Director of film school is sitting in his office behind desk. It is daytime and light is coming through the window behind him. Desk has computer and a large stack of paper. Camera is positioned to see the director head on but at a slight angle. Director picks up one paper and rolls his eyes "another wannabe writer" he exclaims sadly to himself. He puts that one in the already well stacked pile to his left. He picks up the next script and reads aloud "scene one, act one. scene is of town on a winters day. Sky is grey. People in street are dressed in warm clothing. Main Character walks at a slow speed down street, away from camera, taking in sights and sounds around him...." Director of film school looks happy and sits back in his chair holding the script still reading it "this is good" he says to himself, this is what we are after". He picks up phone...

And on the scene goes...


Unfortunately, this is not any kind of a script at all. By writing like this, in a strange kind-of prose, you cause yourself many problems, the most important of which being that it doesn’t even look like a script and nobody would recognise it as being such. Scripts are formatted in such a way to make them as easy as possible to read. Your block of text is difficult to read.

Why not make things easier for yourself, and for everybody else, and write your script properly?


And, no, I didn’t go to film school. Why do you ask?
 
FFP – Is this what you’re referring to as your sample script…..





Unfortunately, this is not any kind of a script at all. By writing like this, in a strange kind-of prose, you cause yourself many problems, the most important of which being that it doesn’t even look like a script and nobody would recognise it as being such. Scripts are formatted in such a way to make them as easy as possible to read. Your block of text is difficult to read.

Why not make things easier for yourself, and for everybody else, and write your script properly?


And, no, I didn’t go to film school. Why do you ask?



well, I'm going to leave it there because I didn't mean to take over this guys post with our debate. he has replied to my post so thats all good. It was he that I replied to begin with, I think he understood the point I was trying to make ( doesn't matter if he agrees or not as my opinion is just my opinion ) and so that's sorted.

To quote you
"It's a miserable morning. The sky is overcast. A bitter wind blows. Rain hammers the rooftops of houses.

A few people are out on the street. They inspect their collection systems."

I have to say...really you could have just gone with..

Act one, scene one

Outside scene. weather is bad.
Minimal extras on set. dressed in wet weather gear.

......and go into scene.....

that is, if we are following industry standard :)
 
First of all, I don't think having a debate about screenwriting in this thread is too much of an issue. We've all offered our advice, we're now just discussing the reasons behind that advice. No problem at all. (Another plus is that it bumps the thread, so more prople may read taylers work!)

I have to offer some advice to you though, FFP, and I don't wish to sound like I'm having a go; I genuinely just want to help you. I suggest you go away and study up on the general rules of writing and formatting screenplays. It's clear you don't know or understand them, and you really should know those rules before you attempt to break them.

Of course, I'm no expert. I'm not a professional. I'm sure there are things that I don't know or don't understand, but I like to think I always try to do things correctly. You are free to do whatever suits you best.
 
First of all, I don't think having a debate about screenwriting in this thread is too much of an issue. We've all offered our advice, we're now just discussing the reasons behind that advice. No problem at all. (Another plus is that it bumps the thread, so more prople may read taylers work!)

I have to offer some advice to you though, FFP, and I don't wish to sound like I'm having a go; I genuinely just want to help you. I suggest you go away and study up on the general rules of writing and formatting screenplays. It's clear you don't know or understand them, and you really should know those rules before you attempt to break them.

Of course, I'm no expert. I'm not a professional. I'm sure there are things that I don't know or don't understand, but I like to think I always try to do things correctly. You are free to do whatever suits you best.

I looked high and low this morning to find these industry standard rules. I could not find a list. So here I researched some of my favourite movies to see how they did it...turns out I was wrong in my understanding about how to write a script. I thought I understood it, but looking at these scripts, there is clearly some things that I did not know were the done thing.

What can I say, I thought I knew, I was incorrect in my understanding. But I do want to thank you for being persistent. I have learnt something new and valuable, and it took me being wrong to do it, but thats ok, you put me on the right track :) thank you.



For myself, and others wondering about script writing, here are some of my favourite movies in script form. This shows clearly that my script was indeed too cluttered. The talking parts were not separated. I am sure there is more. I would also point out that these movies are all moved along by the action, with the lines of the people more as an afterthought as they react to the situation happening. A lot of new writers, and I have been guilty of this myself, rely in dialogue to move a script along...interesting that pretty much all of the pro's go for action, then dialogue.


Inglorious Bastards
http://www.imsdb.com/scripts/Inglourious-Basterds.html



Fight Club
http://www.imsdb.com/scripts/Fight-Club.html



Batman
http://www.imsdb.com/scripts/Batman.html
 
Hey! Good for you! So glad you took that time to look around a little. Honestly, aiming for something more in line with this "industry standard" helps everybody out in the long run.

Next peice of advice; download Celtx. It's a free piece of software which will help you with the majority of the format.

Best of luck with your next script!
 
Back
Top