Feedback wanted on Pilot script

*Kevin O' Leary* you need to ask permission to view the script.. I'm out.

Crap, I'll try and fix it

....

Try this. Hope it works!

https://dochub.com/lukewilliams8d872890/jr5oob/vv-1

i'm not a professional or anything but I think maybe you should describe the atmosphere before the beeping. I also don't think you should write "THE EARTH" out of the blue like that. Maybe something tryhard like "A planet floats static among the stars, inhabiting 7 billion people: PLANET EARTH". That's probably bad lol but something like that.

Thanks for the reply, I appreciate it. I wanted the beeping to be over black, and then have the Earth be the first image of the film but I should probably make that clearer to avoid confusion. Cool, I understand what you mean about "The Earth" coming out of the blue, i probably should work on my clarity of expression.

I quite like it, but all the characters seem a bit... samey?

The beeping over black is fine as far as I'm concerned, although presumably it will be a view of a starscape rather than just 'black'.

It's fine to have THE EARTH out of the blue like that, but IMO it needs to be part of the action line rather than on its own: "THE EARTH, static among the stars..."

Thanks for reading it! It's the first draft so I'm going to be working on differentiating the voices in my second and third drafts.

My main concern was on formatting it correctly and whether or not it was interesting/engaging enough to work as an opening.

MONUMENTAL 100% TOTAL FAIL!!!!

SCREENWRITING RULE 101 - Have your screenplay in a format that a studio or reader can ACTUALLY read it. Remember, many small production companies are cash-strapped and might be using old software.

When I tried to look at it is merely flashed "You are usign an old Browser"

Do that to a studio and its curtains for your career.

So, can't read it? Answer: Zero out of a hundred.

There are major problems with the script formatting. You misuse the slugline. The problem is that you are trying to direct from within the script. In a spec script, you should be telling a story, not trying to play director or DP. You may think you're just giving location information, but really it's directing from inside the script. For example, p. 6, "OUTSIDE CAR: ... INSIDE CAR: ...". You should simply describe the scene not imply where the camera is located. Also, you abbreviate the locations and assume that "INT. REMOTE OUTPOST" suffices. It doesn't. You need to label each of those different locations. Is the hallway on p.3 the same one as on p.4? As an AD, I need to know how many unique locations are needed. As a general guide, only use that for unique locations. Even then, you are never wrong to use a full slugline.

On p. 4, it feels like the "HALLWAY" takes place later. There is a time shift between when the boss hangs up and we switch to following him. On p. 6, you have continuous. Continuous is NEVER used as a time descriptor, it is strictly spatial. So when is this taking place? Also, you overused CAPS. You don't need them for sounds as you used them. Then you put in "End Teaser".

Outside of all other issues, the script's formatting is distracting and needs serious revision. As Maz mentioned, there are development flaws in the characters. You bring in Miranda and her colleague. He confronts her then you re-state the obvious. The reference to "going" is nebulous and a waste of time. Make it a strong relevant statement and make that clear rather than nebulous. So much could be done to create a clearer sense of the characters and their dread. It just felt brushed over. So when I got to p.8 and you said that was the teaser, I had to disagree. I wasn't teased.

From p.9 forward the characters were hodge podge and pretty flat and stereotypes. I'm not sure it works. I didn't understand the jump once the guard Dan appears in the door. It was like a set of images only loosely threaded together. I stopped reading at p. 9. I never got a good sense what this was about or who the main players were. This needs to be seriously rethought--format, character and story development need to spot on in the first 10 pages. Good luck.