• Wondering which camera, gear, computer, or software to buy? Ask in our Gear Guide.

Short script critique?

First half of the page could be easily replaced with

Ext. Monument, CO
Virgin snow covers the ground

Ext. Camp
BOSS, an obese cowboy, stretches underneath a snow covered blanket.

Also, replace the his line. We know it's cold because there is snow everywhere. We re not learning anything about him from this line..
 
Last edited:
First half of the page could be easily replaced with

Ext. Monument, CO
Virgin snow covers the ground

Ext. Camp
BOSS, an obese cowboy, stretches underneath a snow covered blanket.

Also, replace the his line. We know it's cold because there is snow everywhere. We re not learning anything about him from this line..

I totally disagree. The introduction is critical because its a certain kind of snow that sticks to everything and melts the instant it touches your skin. That kind of snow is very different from a normal snowfall that just kind of makes everything white. Tojust simplify it to "virgin snow" makes the scene itself much less compelling and just turns the whole thing into a plain "snow forest." I think that's boring as shit. Isn't it important to show the actual wispy snow trails, the drifting snow and the pressing silence that it brings? None of that is evident if I gut it down to "fat guy under a blanket in snow."

As far as the character of Boss, his first line is him bundling himself back up as a direct response to the snow I literally just finished describing. He doesn't just lie there under a blanket, he tries to get up, gets snow sucked down into his neck, and says "fuck it" and goes back to sleep. I think that's a pretty succinct character introduction. 100 words to set up both A.) one of the main characters and B.) the main setting is a far cry from too wordy.
 
I totally disagree. The introduction is critical because its a certain kind of snow that sticks to everything and melts the instant it touches your skin. That kind of snow is very different from a normal snowfall that just kind of makes everything white. Tojust simplify it to "virgin snow" makes the scene itself much less compelling and just turns the whole thing into a plain "snow forest." I think that's boring as shit. Isn't it important to show the actual wispy snow trails, the drifting snow and the pressing silence that it brings? None of that is evident if I gut it down to "fat guy under a blanket in snow."

As far as the character of Boss, his first line is him bundling himself back up as a direct response to the snow I literally just finished describing. He doesn't just lie there under a blanket, he tries to get up, gets snow sucked down into his neck, and says "fuck it" and goes back to sleep. I think that's a pretty succinct character introduction. 100 words to set up both A.) one of the main characters and B.) the main setting is a far cry from too wordy.

Just to play devil's advocate here...

As indie filmmakers, it's incredibly difficult to simulate weather conditions (particular snow). To have details as specific as that may make the script harder to sell. Now considered how hard selling scripts already is, you're worsening your chance at getting your script sold. I like the idea, but I couldn't purchase this script if I wanted to because, well, I don't have the budget to recreate snow like that. I'm sure most filmmakers feel the same.

What I recommend you do is simplify the scene and cut out those details you find crucial. One of the hardest jobs of an artist is the ability to let go of things. I've heard about and know filmmakers who spent all their money on a great looking shot, but cut it out because it interrupted the flow of the story.

My recommendation would be to cut that beginning part out, and start the story at the camp of James and Boss. Once there, cut out all of the unnecessary descriptive detail and cut out some of the specific details in there.

Again, like weather, past time periods and decades are hard to portray. You have to write stories that exist within the budgets of the people you are directing the script towards.
 
I totally disagree. The introduction is critical because its a certain kind of snow that sticks to everything and melts the instant it touches your skin. That kind of snow is very different from a normal snowfall that just kind of makes everything white. Tojust simplify it to "virgin snow" makes the scene itself much less compelling and just turns the whole thing into a plain "snow forest." I think that's boring as shit. Isn't it important to show the actual wispy snow trails, the drifting snow and the pressing silence that it brings? None of that is evident if I gut it down to "fat guy under a blanket in snow."

As far as the character of Boss, his first line is him bundling himself back up as a direct response to the snow I literally just finished describing. He doesn't just lie there under a blanket, he tries to get up, gets snow sucked down into his neck, and says "fuck it" and goes back to sleep. I think that's a pretty succinct character introduction. 100 words to set up both A.) one of the main characters and B.) the main setting is a far cry from too wordy.

You re writing a screenplay and your job is to tell a STORY, not describe weather conditions.
As far as it's being "boring as shit".. Is your story about a character? Then you should be focusing on that character, especially for a short script.
 
To add to the other posts, in my opinion, another reason to get rid of the snow thing is that I would think that would be more of a creative decision by the director, not something you should put in your script. Also, there is no magazine in a revolver, only a cylinder.

Personally, I like the atmosphere of the main storyline scene; it's gritty. However, I'm not found of the flash backs, and if you take those away, there isn't much of a story, just a guy killing a guy. There is a good basis there, but if it were me I would probably take out the flash backs and try to do a rewrite, but that's only my opinion.
 
Last edited:
I totally disagree. The introduction is critical because its a certain kind of snow that sticks to everything and melts the instant it touches your skin. That kind of snow is very different from a normal snowfall that just kind of makes everything white. Tojust simplify it to "virgin snow" makes the scene itself much less compelling and just turns the whole thing into a plain "snow forest." I think that's boring as shit. Isn't it important to show the actual wispy snow trails, the drifting snow and the pressing silence that it brings? None of that is evident if I gut it down to "fat guy under a blanket in snow."

As far as the character of Boss, his first line is him bundling himself back up as a direct response to the snow I literally just finished describing. He doesn't just lie there under a blanket, he tries to get up, gets snow sucked down into his neck, and says "fuck it" and goes back to sleep. I think that's a pretty succinct character introduction. 100 words to set up both A.) one of the main characters and B.) the main setting is a far cry from too wordy.

...From someone who is struggling hard with the "Description vs. Dialogue" ratio, I suggest you split the difference. Do another draft with a 50% text reduction. I've gone back several times on my script and reduced the amount of description and action text. I was very surprised to see areas that could be greatly reduced in size that I didn't catch the first few times.

I tend to want to explain more than is necessary. I want to convey imagery. I NEED TO!! I think you do, also. Unfortunately we have to reduce it all down to the most very basic substrata. I have found that a new writing style has emerged as a result. ...It's almost like written-out Morse Code.

I know you're thinking of filming it yourself, but test your own level of "creativity reduction" and see how much you can shwack out and still get your message across.

Only other issues are punctuation (missing periods and such) and formatting issues, all of which aren't as important if filming yourself. All I can say to that is: If it's worth typing it out as a film script ...then make it the best damned script you possibly can. It represents YOU!

-Birdman
 
You're using detail in the screenplay that's going to be hard to show onscreen - such as the specifics of the snow and the fact that some goes down the neck of Boss' shirt.

I don't think the first line of Boss' dialogue does much to build his character. The line is too generic and too obvious.

I also think you're missing a trick. The image of James lying in the snow with only his breath to show he is alive is a much stronger opening.

Technical detail: the Schofield Revolver is just that - a revolver. It doesn't have a 'magazine' that you can slide out and click back. It's called a cylinder. That sort of thing shows a lack of basic knowledge/research which can kill your script in the eyes of a reader.
 
Back
Top