Requesting Feedback for a Script - Vampire (30 Pages So Far)

sorry only read like a couple pages since I don't have time yet lol. but i literally made this account to tell you that vampires can't see their own reflection. i liked the writing though so far good efficient writing.

BenThomas said:

Hello everybody,

I'm diligently working on a script for a weird idea that came to mind a couple weeks back; I normally handle, or attempt to handle, fairly straightforward and serious horror and sci-fi ideas, but this script has elements of a coming-of-age story mixed with a few low-key (VERY low-key) fantasy concepts. By the title, you might already have an idea of what the story may deal with, but let me add a few more details to peak your interest a bit further, starting with a logline:

Jake is a 21-year-old vampire who lures victims into his Chicago apartment for his parents and himself to feed on, but decides to change his life upon falling in love with a girl at his daytime job.

Themes include alienation, the desire to connect and reach out to people, and crippling expectations that are placed on you by your parents.

While it may not be obvious upon reading the script, I want to satirize the idea of parents dictating the way their children live their lives to be successful rather than letting children figure that out for themselves (and by children I mean young adults). It might not be that pronounced in the script because it's only 30 pages, but feel free to comment on this subtext along with the script itself:

Google Drive Link: https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B9tmVlRjfCgBdmdPd0EwRnk0ZHM/view?usp=sharing

Would appreciate any comments on the story so far, any outstanding technical issues, characterization, themes, and most importantly whether or not you are interested to read more.

Thank you all for your time.

Click to expand...

Have not read it, but that is a great theme to play off of. I am writing something completely on the other side of you, but the Parent/child thematic is very much on par with yours.

My only suggestion is to work on the log-line. What you told us after is so much more interesting. Can you play that up more within the log line?

Good luck!

I read the first 4 pages so far. Your intro/hook so to speak.

As far as premise, I'm not entirely sure what happens after page 4 yet however, if you are writing a story about some white trash vampires, that actually could be pretty funny.

Now as for the first 4 pages there are some issues so take this as more format/structure than premise feedback.

You have 4 scenes that really are either 1 scene OR should be one scene and a Series of Shots.

Inside a Closet isn't really an opening scene. That infers you are INSIDE the closet. I recommend addressing this in one of a few different ways.

Set the opening in the bedroom as the scene. If you do this then you need to SET the scene of what the bedroom is like. THEN you can add an action paragraph that focuses on the wall with the closet door (with a Bella Twilight poster on it for added touch ) which then OPENS revealing what's inside. Then the hand grabs the jacket, etc...

The other way is to open it as INT. BEDROOM WALL if you are intent on the contents of the closet being the opening visual (with a Lost Boys poster on the door )

Either way it sounds like you either need to simplify the scene to the actions Jake takes OR make a Series of Shots: Jake puts on makeup. Jake puts on colored contact lenses, etc.

Also (and this applies to screenwriting in general although I don't have a problem with it, it's considered bad form in a general sense) avoid "we see, we hear, is seen, is heard" type descriptions.

In your case instead of "a loud coughing is heard" (ie. telling the reader what we see and hear) it should be something like "There is loud COUGHING outside the room" or "Outside his room..." or "Somewhere else in the house a person COUGHS loudly".

Next, identify the voices heard as female or male as in this case it's his mom and dad.

You also have a Jason showing up in your 4th scene. Who is Jason? I'm guessing it should be Jake and that is where you may want to consider a Series of Shots.

Lastly, and this isn't format, but if this is supposed to be comedy and his parents are vampires, maybe their argument could be more Vampire centric? Like instead of "Go jump in a lake" it should be "Why don't you go sunbathing!" or "I swear woman, if I had a wooden stake...." or "Go bite the neck of a sepsis patient" or "Go stake yourself!" something like that.

Well I guess that wasn't lastly, introduce the parents better. Give them some character like is the Mom a Vampire version of Honey BooBoo's mom? What's his dad like? He wearing a Homer Simpson "SMRT" shirt over his beer belly?

Those first 4 pages have got to HOOK people in. They have to be WORTHY of celluloid or they get cut or improved to be worthy of celluloid. Dress up the scenes and spruce up the dialogue a bit.