• Wondering which camera, gear, computer, or software to buy? Ask in our Gear Guide.

Rough Draft for the pilot episode of a web series.

I finished the first draft of the screenplay for the pilot of a web series I want to make. It's subject to change and somethings are probably weirdly formatted or written, but hey, got to start somewhere right? I may make it a little longer, I'm not decided.

Fade In:

Int.Rundown Apartment Room-Night

Corpse’s of GANG MEMBERS lay down on the floor, their blood and corpses positioned almost like an art piece. Three people stand among them, SASKO, EMIL and VISSA, VISSA is being held by his throat by SASKO as EMIL withdraws her blade from a corpse, letting it fall to the ground.

SASKO:
EMIL, guard the door. I’ll be quick.

EMIL nods, walking out and locking the door behind her. SASKO looks at VISSA, a smile that is masked by his DEATH MASK on his face.

SASKO:
Now, let us begin.
CUT TO:
Int.Rundown Apartment Hallway-Night

The sound of a severe beating, screaming and yelling comes from the APARTMENT DOOR behind EMIL as she cleans her sword with a bloody rag. She stops and takes out a small notebook from her coat's breast pocket.
CUT TO:

Insert-Small Black Notebook

Showing an unfinished drawing of a medieval castle and the surrounding countryside.
CUT TO:
Emil getting out a pen/pencil and begin to start drawing when their is a knock on the door after the screaming stops. She puts her items away and unlocks the door.

EMIL:
Done already?

Sasko nods. Emil lets him pass and then locks the door. They begin walking down the hallway.
CUT TO:
Int.SASKO and EMIL’s hideout-Night

A trap door opens from the floor and Sasko climbs up. He holds it up as Emil does the same before closing it. He then takes her coat and walks off screen. Emil heads towards the camera too

EMIL’S BED

A mattress stuffed into a corner with a thin brown blanket covering it. She puts her things away-all but journal and pencil-into a drawer. She lays down and closes her eyes.

FADE IN:

OUT-VARDOOK IMPERIAl PALACE-GAZEBO-DAY.


LADY VADGOTH stands under a white Gazebo, staring out to the sea. She is thinking, not paying much attention to the world around her.

LORD PALYUS:
Lady Vadgoth?

Lady Vadgoth turns.

LADY VADGOTH:
Yes, Lord Palyus?

LORD PALYUS:
Your...bodyguard has returned.

Lady Vadgoth nods and tells Palyus to leave with a motion of her hand before turning back to the sea.
EMIL
Momma?

Again, Vadgoth turns, this time a smile coming to her face as she sees a 10 year old Emil. Emil runs into her arms, hugging Vadgoth.

EMIL:
Sasko’s back!

Vadgoth nods, patting Emil’s head before she notices Sasko standing at the edge of the gazebo.

VADGOTH:
Welcome back.

Sasko nods and walks towards the two, handing Vadgoth a datapad before hugging EMIL and talking with her.Emil suddenly points past Sasko’s shoulder.

EMIL:
Who are they?

Five hooded figures run across the rooftops across the gazebo. Sasko pushes Emil behind him, drawing his sword and blowing a whistle to call the guards to his side….no one comes. He blows again before throwing the whistle away and taking out a pistol.

SASKO:
Stay behind me.

CUT TO-EMIL POV SHOT
SASKO slays one assassin with his sword, shooting another with his pistol and then blocking a slash from another, grabbing the assassin’s arm and pulling him towards his blade, impaling him. The last assassin fires a series of strikes with his sword, all of which are blocked by Sasko or land without effect. As the assassin rests, Sasko stabs him in the chest. He then looks towards Vadgoth and Emil.

SASKO:
Get to the docks!

Suddenly he is lifted into the air and another assassin-DARDAS, appears, holding one hand up as he runs towards Vadgoth. Vadgoth puts herself between Emil.

VADGOTH:
Run!
DARDAS then stabs her the chest, letting her body fall to the ground. He walks towards Emil, a hand reaching out for her.


CUT TO:
Int.Hideout, EMIL’s bed, Night.

Emil wakes up, hyperventilating. The sound of boots (even through both Emil and Sasko wear soft-soled boots) running on the floor are heard before Sasko runs in. He puts his hand on her shoulder.

SASKO:
What’s wrong?

EMIL:
Nothing….nothing.

SASKO:
You were dreaming of her, weren’t you?
Emil looks down.

EMIL:
I….I miss her.

Sasko hugs her, rubbing the back of her head, looking blankly into the stars through a crack in a wall.

SASKO:
I do too.
He lets her go, his hands on Emil’s shoulders.

SASKO:
I’ll do double watch tonight. You should rest.

He rises and walks away. Emil watches him leave, then rests her again again, closing her eyes.

FADE OUT and FADE IN:
Emil’s eyes open and she rises, getting her things.

CUT TO:
Emil walking into Sasko’s part of the hideout. He stands over a table, writing something down.
EMIL:
Sasko?

Sasko turns, placing a black journal in his breast pocket.

EMIL:
What now?

SASKO:
Were going after Joeda.

He begins walking towards Emil, who cocks an eyebrow and looks at him like he’s crazy.

EMIL:
Joeda? The Imperator?

SASKO:
Yes.

EMIL:
Who is considered to be best swordsmen in the galaxy?

Sasko points to himself with his thumb.

SASKO:
One of the best.

EMIL:
(sigh) You're crazy.

SASKO:
Maybe I am.

EMIL:
And I assume you know he’s in the Orion Arm, conquering the Gaian’s? How do you plan to get there?

Sasko smirks, taking out a circular object. He pressed a button and a hologram appears-It is of a man, mid-30s, with tattoo’s on his face on a checkered pattern. It is MORNOK, a local crime lord.

SASKO:
This is Mornok, former Millia slave turned crime lord. Wanted for murder,smuggling, illegal weapons ownership and distribution of Anti-Goth propaganda. Somehow he managed to find a route past the Imperial blockade into the Orion Arm.

He pressed another button, a map of Bellum City On it is a route heading to the Slums of the city ending at a lowly apartment building.

SASKO:
And there is were he agreed to meet.

He puts the holodisc back in his pocket.

CUT TO:
Ext-Slums street-Day

Sasko and Emil walk through a crowded street filled with makeshift stands and slaves begging for food or substance. One slave, a Fevori female, runs towards Sasko.

Female Slave 1:
Just a few coins? Please?

Sasko stops, reaching into his pocket he brings out a pouch. He hands it to the slave, who tries to say something before Sasko proceeds to walk past her.

CUT TO:
Sasko and Emil stand in front of the apartment building that Montrok and his men are waiting for them in. They walk to the front door, were two armed guards stand.

GUARD 1:
Oh hello there.

The camera pans over Emil, to show that the Guard is staring at her.

GUARD 1:
Dressed to regal for my taste but- (this may be subject to change)

Sasko stands in front of him, towering over the Guard, who stops talking.

GUARD 2:
As much as I like to see Moslo get the crap beaten out of him, why don’t you two go inside?

CUT TO:
Int.Slums Apartment-Day

The doors open,Sasko and Emil walk into the apartment before the doors close again.

MONTROK (O.S.):
Sasko I presume?

SASKO:
Correct.

With two guards at his side, Montrok walks on screen and shakes hands with Sasko, ignoring Emil.

MONTROK:
If I heard correctly, you want access to the Orion Arm?

SASKO:
Correct.

MONTROK:
And why should I do this?

Sasko brings out a pouch and hands it to Montrok. He opens it and a look that is a mixture of disgust and awe comes upon his face.

MONTROK:
How did you….

SASKO:
We all have our methods

Montrok hands the pouch to guard and, in Milliar (language of the Millia), tells him to go put it somewhere.

MONTROK:
Well, by the teachings of The Mother, I owe you a debt.

He motions for Sasko to follow before he walks into a room. Sasko enters, but two guards block Emil from entering.

GUARD 3:
Montrok only wants to talk to Sasko.


Emil rolls her eyes, but decides to not make an issue of it. She sits down at a bench and gets out her notebook.

Insert-Black Notebook.

She turns to the page with the unfinished castle and begins drawing.

CUT TO
EXT-Slums Street-Day

Viperis and Edwith coming out a room. Viperis put’s something in his pocket before beginning to walk down the street, Edwith following. As they walk past the apartment building Montrok has set up as base, Edwith will spot Emil.
CUT TO
A POV shot of Edwith watching Emil from afar.

CUT TO
Viperis nugging Edwith. Edwith begins to follow him, only breaking his gaze when the scene cuts.

CUT TO
The meeting room door opening and Sasko exiting the room. He heads towards Emil, who puts her notebook back in her breast pocket. They walk out of the apartment into the streets.


EXT-Slum Streets-Day

Sasko and Emil walk down the street, now empty and without a sound. The only sound in the entire street is are their footsteps and the occasional bark.

SASKO:
Were being watched.

As if on cue, a shot misses Sasko, hitting the ground near just a few inches from his left foot. The two run into an alleyway, their path blocked by a chain-linked fence with barb wired on top. There is a door on the left. Sasko tries to open it, but it is locked.

SASKO:
Need a lock picked.

Emil walks over the door, Sasko stepping out of the way as she brings out a pouch, opening it to reveal a series of lockpicks. She gets to work. An ENFORCER runs on screen, from the street that Sasko and Emil were originally, but is dispatched by a quick shot from Sasko’s pistol. Three more come, firing their rifles(plasma) at Sasko who downs another.

EMIL:
Done!
She opens the door, going in first as Sasko fires a few more shots at the Enforcers before going in.

CUT TO

INT.Slum Building-Day

Sasko closes the door behind him, placing a drawer in front of it and laying a mine on the floor just in case.

EMIL:
Well this is a damper in our plans.

Sasko:
Worse has happened.

As the sounds of Enforcer vehicles pulling up fill the air, the two make their way through the building, a old general store. Both of them move cautiously,not making a sound as they head up some stairs.

Sasko:
What time is it?

EMIL (checking watch):
10:30.

SASKO:
Hope you don’t mind waiting till nightfall.

EMIL:
I’ll survive.

They make their way into a small room, apparently used by the store owners as a home. Emil looks out the window, were squads of Enforcers, armed to the teeth with rifles, batons and shields, patrolling the streets.

EMIL:
Hmm, looks like they brought in the entire division.

She steps away from the window, closing the curtains. Sasko searches through the place, taking anything of use.

SASKO:
Did I ever tell about how your mother loved visiting the Slums?

EMIL:
Several times.

SASKO:
(chuckles) Did I tell you how she once destroyed a Lord for daring to exploit them?

Emil turns to face Sasko, who is still rummaging through stuff.

SASKO:
Around...2211, during winter, she wanted to bring coats to the poor. On the way, she found this poor little girl, could only have been seven, crying on the streets.

He rises, walking to a drawer and rummaging through it.

SASKO:
She stops the motorcade, had to threaten the driver, and brings the girl inside. Asks her name. The girl said had none-ever since Lord Ruck took her.

He stops, as if in deep thought.

SASKO:
Long story short-Turns out this….bastard was kidnapping other peoples slaves and experimenting on them. The Enforcers didn’t care, as long as his money was in their pockets. Your mother…

He looks to Emil, a smile coming to his face.

SASKO:
Your mother used every trick in the book to get him in the Imperial Court. She didn’t stop until the poor sod was exiled for his kidnappings.

EMIL:
Not for his experiments?

SASKO:
No. Only your mother seemed to cared about that.


He goes back to rummaging through the drawer, as Emil takes a glance from the curtains, watching the street. The street was now empty and for the uninformed it looked like it was always that way. Suddenly, Sasko pushes out of the way, as a shot breaks the window and Sasko is blasted back to the store counter.




Emil rises, turning her head to see Sasko body hunched up against the counter.

EMIL:
Oh god.

She runs over to Sasko, who breath’s are heavy and weezy, and tries to open his coat. Sasko puts his hand on her arm.

SASKO:
Stop... it’s... no use.

Emil ignores him, almost tearing out his coat before he grabs her hand firmly.

SASKO:
Stop.

Emil looks at him, her eyes wide and clearly in shock, but stops trying to tear out his coat.

EMIL:
It’s all my fault, I shouldn’t of…

Sasko puts his finger to his lips, his expression is calm. With his right hand, he touches Emil’s cheek.

SASKO:
Breathe.

Emil begins to calm, closing her eyes and taking deep breathes. Sasko reaches into his breast pocket, bringing out his journal. He hands it to Emil.

SASKO:
Don’t cry. We all die eventually.

EMIL:
Don’t talk like that.

SASKO:
*chuckles* I’ve learned to accept death.

EMIL:
I’m not you.

SASKO:
Wrong….you have...you have more of me in you than you think.

He lets his right hand fall, before grabbing Emil’s hand.

SASKO:
If only mother could see what you’ve become. So….

His head begins to lull, Emil grabs his head as he fights to see her.

SASKO:
Beautiful…

His eyes close. Emil lets his head lull to the side, looking at his corpse as she wonders what to do next. She finally stands.

CUT TO
Saskos journal in her hand as she walks away, going out of a door before closing it. The camera does not follow.
CUT TO
EXT-Slum Street-Day


A black car parks outside Montroks apartment. The doors open and two boots appear before the camera pans up to show SASLOV, in Officers regalia as he closes the door behind him. Montrok walks over to him.

MONTROK:
Did you get him?

Saslov barely turns to look at him as he walks towards the camera.

SASLOV:
Yes.

MONTROK:
What about the girl?

Saslov turns towards Montrok.

SASLOV:
She has...disappeared.

MONTROK:
Do I still get my money?

A smile comes to Saslov’s face as he turns. Two Enforcers come up behind Montrok.

SASLOV:
Actually, I another idea.

The two enforcers restrain Montrok, putting a muzzle over his head so he cannot speak.


SASLOV:
Take him away. Kill the rest of his ilk.

He walks off screen, as the background Enforcers began firing into the apartment.

CUT TO:
INT-Bar-Night.

The front door to the bar opens as Emil walks in, tried and in need of rest. She sits down at a round table. It takes only a moment before a beer is planted next to her and TORNE sits down next to her.

TORNE:
What is a girl like you doing in a bar like this?

Emil ignores him, causing him to speak with a slight annoyance in his tone.

TORNE:
Oh, the silent type aren’t you?

Emil continues to ignore him as he becomes more and more visibly annoyed in both tone and posture.

TORNE:
You looked tired, why don’t I show you a bed?

EMIL:
No.
He is taking back by this response, he subtly gets out a knife, but keeps it under the table.


TORNE:
You sure? I can help you.

EMIL:
I can handle myself.

He brings out the knife to her throat.

TORNE:
You sure?

Emil simply smiles and in a swift motion, twists Tornes arm, disarms him and throws him into a table. She studies the knife for a second, before throwing it at him, missing him by only a few inches. His gang begins to get up, holding bats and other melee weapons.

TORNE:
Fine, be that way. I always get what I want.

CUT TO

A pistol being fired into the air. The camera pans down, showing Viperis is the one holding the pistol. Edwith is behind him, aiming a rifle at the gang.

VIPERIS:
Why don’t you boys leave the women alone?

END.

What do you think? Again, it's a rough draft and most likely will be made longer or have things changed. I just want to know thoughts on the first draft.

Also, did I kill Sasko to soon? I plan on him dying in the pilot, but I want to know if I should do more with him before he dies.

Thank you.
 
It's subject to change and somethings are probably weirdly formatted or written, but hey, got to start somewhere right?

You might not like what I'm about to say, but if I don't say it someone else will. So I may as well be the one to deliver the bad news.

You need proper screen play format. You say you've got to start somewhere - that is the somewhere. You start with a proper formatting.

Actors will immediately discard this without reading if that's what you send them.

I know you are hoping for some story feedback and so my reply has probably frustrated you. Sorry about that, but few people are going to read the story in this state. Don't expect them to take the time to give you feedback if you haven't taken the time to format your screen play. Ideally use some free screen writing software, export to PDF and then provide a link from google drive for people to download and read the pdf.

Get rid of all the edits, fade in, cut to.
Have your locations in capital letters INT. RUNDOWN APARTMENT ROOM - NIGHT

Read a script or two. Contact is a nice script. It's a fun read too.

When you introduce characters say something about them.
Is emil a 9 year old dwarf with leukemia? I have no idea. you didn't tell me a single thing about the person. Maybe she is an 80 year old chinese transvestite. I'm clueless about her.

I suppose there is nothing to be done about your grammar.. it may nor may not put people off but that's probably a lot to expect you to learn proper grammar just to write a screen play. Perhaps if you have an english savvy friend they will proof read it for you.

I say this because the very first word you begin with ( besides edits and locations) is Corpse's with an apostrophe that doesn't belong. It's not a very good first impression and it will turn off some people but not everyone.


Fade In:

Int.Rundown Apartment Room-Night

Corpse’s of GANG MEMBERS lay down on the floor
 
Why would I not like what you said? Your not being an ass.

Thanks for the suggestions and about grammar-My fingers and mind go faster than my proof readings. It's the joy of being a high-functioning autistic.
 
Why would I not like what you said? Your not being an ass.

Thanks for the suggestions and about grammar-My fingers and mind go faster than my proof readings. It's the joy of being a high-functioning autistic.

This sort of thing happens routinely around here and usually people get frustrated because the syntax is being addressed instead of the story aspects. Glad I didn't come off as an ass.
 
Better but still no PDF. It wants me to create an account to access a pdf.
I see your hanging on to your concept of "editing" from within the script. Lots of cut to and fade.. you should just be saying location, internal or external, day or night.
 
Yeah I can see it taking up about 1/4 of my web browser, not very conducive to reading.
It would be much better if I could access a PDF without giving out my email and signing up for an account. The less hoops people jump through the more will read it.
 
I see a "full view" button now, it's not so bad to reading it although 17 pages is a lot for me right now.

Here is something

"Lady Vadgoth turns. She doesn't like Palyus, for hequestions her 'pet cause of helping the needy' often,working to destroy everything she has done to help the exploited"

How do you expect something like this to translate into film?
Script is a blue print for film, and you're giving information to the reader like it's a novel. No one watching this is going to know anything about a pet cause for the needy by what you've described.

I get the impression you haven't read many/any scripts. Is that correct ?
 
Recently having read the Dune series (those written by Frank, himself), as well as having enjoyed AMC's Into the Badlands, I can dig this. And I love your enthusiasm. It's infectious.

What sfoster was saying is that your screenplay, as is, has a bit of a mixed format—that of a screenplay and that of a novel (etc). But that's an "easy" fix, not some fundamental flaw. You might benefit from simply editing it to conform to industry standards for screenplay writing.

That will probably make it easier for people to read as well as hopefully draw in those collaborators you're looking for.

If you haven't already, pick up a book on screenplay writing, particularly one that includes instruction on format. Any on the market will probably do, I'm guessing. I whole heatedly recommend Screenwriting for Dummies, by Laura Schellhardt. I think she does a great job explaining the fundamentals.

But anyway, what sfoster was referring to is this. In a screenplay, everything is about showing, not telling…at least that is the ideal.

So, if "Lady Vadgoth turns. She doesn't like Palyus, for hequestions her 'pet cause of helping the needy' often,working to destroy everything she has done to help the exploited" is important enough to your story, you need to find a way to show it. Or use exposition in the form of dialogue or voice-over narration, which, by the way, are also frowned upon— but at least they are filmable.

Also, you want to keep everything in present tense and in active voice. So for instance…

"Vissa is being held by his throat by Sasko [passive voice] as Emil withdraws her blade from a corpse, letting it fall to the ground."

…might become:

Sasko holds Vissa by the throat. [active voice]

Emil withdraws her blade from a corpse which slumps to the ground.

Again, these are sort of technicalities which can be fixed easily enough. But calling them technicalities does not mean they are unimportant. That's why we are taking the trouble to comment on them—to help you improve the screenplay, hopefully, not to nitpick or to be negative.

I think you already get this, but something else very much related to the above is that in screenwriting economy of words and meaning is key. It seems to me you are already on the right track there. But I think we would like to encourage you to seek even more economy of words. And much could be achieved to that end by simply eliminating any examples of passive voice and past tense.

The more polished and solid your work is, the more chance other people will take an interest in it, as well as the more chance they'll see you're serious and possibly think working with you is a reasonable bet.

Of course, we must remember you did label this a rough draft. :)

Storywise I think it has potential. Certainly plenty of action. It sounds like a costume drama to me, which I love! But if it is, keep in mind that probably means $, or perhaps a good friend or friends who are good at sewing etc.

I'm way too far away to be on your crew, though. =(
 
Last edited:
Back
Top