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logline confusion

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24601JJ

hi, can anyone help me i'm having trouble coming up with a decent logline for my screenplay, the difficulty is pinpointing the key points of the script:

so far i've got

"A Nordic adventure in which a kidnapped warrior must decide between his power hungry father, or his honourable captor, in order to discover his place in the world."

i'm just not happy with it, i don't think it makes the point well enough, whether its the word order, the word choices, for instance im not happy with "honourable"

if anyone has any ideas i would greatly appreciate any input good or bad. be as critical as you like
thanks
 
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Hard to write a good logline without having read the script or a treatment or a synopsis.

I do know I probably wouldn't use "A BLANK in which..." You should be able to figure out the genre from the logline without explicitly saying it, I should think. It's going to be an adventure/action/drama pic, obviously not a comedy.

Also, "to discover his place in the world" seems kind of milk-toasty.

Maybe something like

In the eighth century, a Nordic warrior must choose between the honor of his kidnapper and the corrupt morals of his father.

I kinda like "...and the venality of his father." But that's probably too literate for a logline.

"power hungry" is also too cliche, in my opinion, even for a logline.

If I knew more about the story, I might be able to offer more suggestions.

good luck!

-Charles
 
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i think youre right about "to find his place in the world" and i was finding it difficult to avoid the cliche aspects.

its hard to describe the basics of the story, i'm still trying to figure that out;

essentially its about an unfortunate child is caught up in an ancient rivalry, and growing up in the house of his enemy must decide where his lyoalties lie - when it comes to the crunch.

if that makes any sense
thankyou for the responses its got me thinking :)
 
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It's definitely hard to come up with loglines.

What I've found is "choose between" or "make a choice" is not a good basis for a film plot. Making a choice is instantaenous. Where's the escalating conflict?

Has he already made his choice and gone to war with his father? That's got potential, in my opinion. Is this an Oedipus Rex kind of thing minus the mother?

Good luck.
 
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Be more specific - right now you have the emotional conflict, but no clue as to what the physical conflict is - and that's the part we can see.

So - what is the conflict on the screen? Put that in the logline somewhere.

- Bill
 
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ok, so while trying to bear in mind all your advice, trying to point out the physcial conflict rather than the emotional? with some re-working i've come up with this:

Gudrik grows up as a hostage in enemy territory, so when his father invades, will he join the ranks or protect the place he's come to call 'home'

better? worse? sparking an interest?
 
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Adeimantus logline is a bit more crisp and gets to the heart of the conflict.
"In the eighth century, a Nordic warrior must choose between the honor of his kidnapper and the corrupt morals of his father.

I think using words like warrior, honor and currupt morals makes it more interesting and stand out. It pulls together "will he join the ranks or protect the place..." I like where you are going though. I'd watch it.
 
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So many logline ideas seem to revolve around a decision between A and B.

A decision is not action.

A kidnapped warrior TRIES TO ESCAPE from his honorable captor without being imprisoned by his power-hungry father.
 
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"So many logline ideas seem to revolve around a decision between A and B.

A decision is not action."

That's what I said.

I'm still not getting the sense that there's a movie here. What's your second act?
 
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