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Feedback please

I am an amateur when It comes in writing. I have no background this is probably the only story I have written since I was forced to write in high school, So please give me every feed back you can It is only few pages short.

I was thinking that the character development was a tad bit too childish, what I was going for is an anime/cartoonish like character development in a mystery setting.
Code:
[CENTER]Working Title



















Written By:

Some guy[/CENTER]
 
FADE IN:

INT. EDWARD'S APARTMENT - KITCHEN - NIGHT

EDWARD HUMPRY, a disgruntled ordinary guy living a day to day basis.

EDWARD prepares a cereal at 2 am with a complimentary instant coffee

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. EDWARD'S APARTMENT - BEDROOM - NIGHT

EDWARD mindlessly entered his bedroom as he notices something is amiss

[RIGHT]CUT TO:[/RIGHT]
INT. BLACK ROOM

Before EDWARD could realize that he was not in his room everything disappeared from his sight the only thing remains is a dimly lit square table with 2 chairs at the opposite end and a man seated whose face is hidden by the shadow cast by the dim light bulb.

[CENTER]EDWARD[/CENTER]
		Uhm... do you want some cereal?

[CENTER]MAN[/CENTER]
		Please take a seat Mr. Edward I would
		Like to play a game with you, well a
		series of games if you will.

EDWARD comfortably sits and places the cereal aside as the MAN places a chess board on the table.

[CENTER]EDWARD[/CENTER]
		As calm as I look I am actually freaking out 			
right now. Who are you? And where am I?

[CENTER]MAN[/CENTER]
		Let us not bother with mundane questions 
		Mr. Edward if you follow my instructions and
		answer all of my questions everything will be well.


The chessboard is set and ready for a game.

[CENTER]MAN[/CENTER]
		Would you prefer to go first Mr. Edward?

[CENTER]EDWARD[/CENTER]
		Hmm... No you go first

The MAN calmly moved the pawn from c2 to c4, EDWARD moved his own from c7 to c5, and the MAN unexpectedly moved another pawn from d2 to d4 blocking EDWARD'S pawn in a wall-like manner.

As EDWARD wonders why his opponent did made such a move he remembers-

BEGIN FLASHBACK:

INT. GROCERY STORE - AFTERNOON

EDWARD with his annoyed eyebrows and slightly grit teeth is in front of an obvious homosexual couples named MIKE and ANTHONY who are busy flirting with one another in a cramp aisle in the grocery store

[CENTER]MIKE[/CENTER]
		What are you looking at? You homophobe!
		cant stand to see two man in love? Well
		we wont stop so you better start walking!

[CENTER]ANTHONY[/CENTER]
		Oh stop it baby, don't mind the little angry boy. 
 		I love you baby and that's all that matte-

EDWARD rudely cut his sentence off

[CENTER]EDWARD[/CENTER]
		LOOK! I don't care whether you date a guy
		a girl or even an alien from outer space
		But if you're going to block me from the last
		box of coco cereal we're going to have
		a problem YOU QUEERS! 

The two taken aback by EDWARD'S shouting. They silently made way for EDWARD. As he passes the couple EDWARD lets out an angry GRUNT. 

As EDWARD is closing in on the cereal reaching his hand out a little girl cuts from the side and took the last box of cereal. EDWARD with despair blatantly showing as the two, MIKE and ANTHONY watches in sympathy.

[CENTER]MIKE[/CENTER]
		Uh... look It is clearly our fault that
		you didn't get your cereal so here take ours

As soon as the cereal box is handed out to EDWARD his face lit up with happiness 

[CENTER]ANTHONY[/CENTER]
		Yeah, you got mad at us for good reasons
		we're really sorry

[CENTER]EDWARD[/CENTER]
		What? Really? Wow. Now I feel bad for 
		shouting at you guys. I must say sorry to 
		you guys as well, I mean I did say some 
		really hurtful things. So I am really sorry

[CENTER]MIKE[/CENTER]
		Oh Don't worry, just enjoy your cereal
		and have a nice day

[CENTER]EDWARD[/CENTER]
		Thank you. You guys are really great, 
		sorry again if I shout at you

EDWARD walks away from the delighted couple with happiness and a cereal box in his hand. Intrigue by the facts written at the box of his favorite cereal as he notices a kid looking at HIS cereal with a crooked eyebrow made from the kid's sadness.

[CENTER]EDWARD
(sigh)[/CENTER]
		Here kid you can have it

The kid quickly grabs his cereal and ran off and disappeared in the bustling grocery store. 

FLASH BACK END
 
Last edited:
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