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Old 05-12-2018, 10:20 AM   #1
Script-ore
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Question New logline - Opinions

Hi everybody!

Still trying to develop good skills in writing loglines.

What about this logline (short film)?

LOGLINE

In the nocturnal City of Turin, two drivers of a new app service that allows beta testers to kill and ride away unpunished, roam the streets sniffing cocaine, until they meet the waitress of a nightclub, who has just been fired because she refused to prostitute herself, and their fates interlaces in a night of madness and murders.
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Old 05-12-2018, 10:54 AM   #2
indietalk
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Run on sentence, too many details.

I find it helpful to look over this list of top box office loglines often, as a refresher.

Enjoy.


THE GODFATHER

The aging patriarch of an organized crime dynasty transfers control of his clandestine empire to his reluctant son.

PULP FICTION

The lives of two mob hit men, a boxer, a gangster's wife, and a pair of diner bandits intertwine in four tales of violence and redemption.

FOREST GUMP

Forrest Gump, while not intelligent, has accidentally been present at many historic moments, but his true love, Jenny Curran, eludes him.

THE MATRIX

A computer hacker learns from mysterious rebels about the true nature of his reality and his role in the war against its controllers.

SILENCE OF THE LAMBS

A young F.B.I. cadet must confide in an incarcerated and manipulative killer to receive his help on catching another serial killer who skins his victims.

INSIDE MAN

A cop has to talk down a bank robber after the criminal’s perfect heist spirals into a hostage situation.

CASABLANCA

Set in unoccupied Africa during the early days of World War II: An American expatriate meets a former lover, with unforeseen complications.

REAR WINDOW

A wheelchair bound photographer spies on his neighbours from his apartment window and becomes convinced one of them has committed murder.

THE HANGOVER

A Las Vegas-set comedy centered around three groomsmen who lose their about-to-be-wed buddy during their drunken misadventures, then must retrace their steps in order to find him.

THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION

Two imprisoned men bond over a number of years, finding solace and eventual redemption through acts of common decency.

THE HELP

An aspiring author during the civil rights movement of the 1960s decides to write a book detailing the African-American maid’s point of view on the white families for which they work, and the hardships they go through on a daily basis.

THE ARTIST

Hollywood, 1927: As silent movie star George Valentin wonders if the arrival of talking pictures will cause him to fade into oblivion, he sparks with Peppy Miller, a young dancer set for a big break.

FORREST GUMP

Forrest Gump, while not intelligent, has accidentally been present at many historic moments, but his true love, Jenny, eludes him.

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: THE CURSE OF THE BLACK PEARL

Blacksmith Will Turner teams up with eccentric pirate “Captain” Jack Sparrow to save his love, the governor’s daughter, from Jack’s former pirate allies, who are now undead.

APOCALYPSE NOW

During the U.S.-Vietnam War, Captain Willard is sent on a dangerous mission into Cambodia to assassinate a renegade colonel who has set himself up as a god among a local tribe.

DJANGO UNCHAINED

With the help of a German bounty hunter, a freed slave sets out to rescue his wife from a brutal Mississippi plantation owner.

THE LION KING

Lion cub and future king Simba searches for his identity. His eagerness to please others and penchant for testing his boundaries sometimes gets him into trouble.

AMERICAN BEAUTY

Lester Burnham, a depressed suburban father in a mid-life crisis, decides to turn his hectic life around after becoming infatuated with his daughter's attractive friend.

TAXI DRIVER

A mentally unstable Vietnam war veteran works as a night-time taxi driver in New York City where the perceived decadence and sleaze feeds his urge for violent action, attempting to save a preadolescent prostitute in the process.

RESERVOIR DOGS

After a simple jewelery heist goes terribly wrong, the surviving criminals begin to suspect that one of them is a police informant.

WILD STRAWBERRIES

After living a life marked by coldness, an aging professor is forced to confront the emptiness of his existence.

source
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Old 05-12-2018, 11:21 AM   #3
directorik
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Is the name of the city essential to the logline?
Is the act of sniffing cocaine essential to the logline?
Is the reason the waitress was fired essential to the logline?

All are important to the story - are they essential to your logline?

Look at the logline of the rather complex "Pulp Fiction" - touch on the big picture without details.
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Old 05-12-2018, 11:27 AM   #4
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Too long and too many details. Got it. Thanks guys!

I'll post a new version of the same logline asap.
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