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Awaiting Critiques for Short Screenplay

B

beamazed

Hello everyone, here is a short 8 page screenplay called Intrusion which I plan to direct rather soon, hence the scene numbers and it being the Shooting Draft. Anyways, I'm always curious and open to see what anybody has to say that could improve this script. Thanks a bunch! ?

Script:
http://tinyurl.com/npwnktz
 
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I had a problem with the very abrupt tonal shifts. Jamie is scared of noises in the house, then falls asleep. He shoots the intruder, and then shifts from "sadness to confidence". He was about to shoot himself, and then doesn't. None of these are very well explained - the story would hold together much better if they were more motivated or set up.
 
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I absolutely see where you're coming from there. The reason for these tonal shifts and abrupt mood swings is really because he is mentally unstable and has various mental disorders that cause him to act the way he does. Did I not make it clear enough of these "challenges " and if so, does anyone have any suggestions on how to incorporate it into the script?
 
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I've read it. Brave 16 years old boy :)
Now there's something I think a little bit unnatural. When Jamie shows Sam that he has killed the intruder, she immediately starts criticizing him, saying "You should never kill people like that...". I think at first she must feel some shock (you did that saying she's puzzled), but she also should say, - "You what?!". And she should probably not believe him at first. Because right now it seems to me as if Jamie is a serial killer and Sam's reaction is as if she wants to say, - "No, Jamie, not again! You can't shoot people like that, how many times can I tell you?". :)
 
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Pretty good. Especially because you make it an emotional journey. During the first half my only wish was that you had explained the noises he heard more specifically. I would have liked a stronger hint if there's a person or just something not dangerous. The camera work and lights seem well thought out, too. So, the first half looks like great cinema.

About the sister's accusations I felt exactly like Inarius. Two things you could do. Ttry to keep her dialogue exactly the way it is. But make it clear that he imagines that she will talk to him like that because he's so screwed up without his medication. He intends to kill himself because everybody are after him. Then he notices that his sister is also against him killing himself, so now he wants to kill her first.

Secondly. When the sister arrives she must shout his name. Pretty much can't not do that. Have it sound like she cares, but show that in his mind it sounds like "I'm coming to get you".
 
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beamazed said:
I absolutely see where you're coming from there. The reason for these tonal shifts and abrupt mood swings is really because he is mentally unstable and has various mental disorders that cause him to act the way he does. Did I not make it clear enough of these "challenges " and if so, does anyone have any suggestions on how to incorporate it into the script?
Click to expand...

I think the problem is that his temperament is such an adjunct - for all the audience knows, the medication is for twitching hands. There needs to be more setup - to establish that his mood changes quickly, before he kills somebody.
 
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Much better turning on the audience as to what Jamie may be experiencing. Also - it's Sam chasing him this time: previously, him entering with the gun indicated he may turn on her too.

I think you should do something with the time between when Sam phones and when she arrives. At the moment it appears to happen immediately. Of course - you could improvise something when you come to shoot it - but it might be useful to get an arc in your mind?

I am still a bit ambivalent towards the ending, though - what Sam says seems completely at odd with what has just happened. That there will be better days, though lying in the next room is a guy Jamie has just shot!
 
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Thank you RyiGarry, much appreciated. (Random tangent incoming) It's just that I feel that there is something just wrong with the story that I can't figure out. Something about my script just doesn't seem right. It's like one moment I'm happy with it, but the next I'm completely and totally frustrated with both the script and myself. One moment I feel I'm done, the next I feel far from finished. So I guess here's a question, how/when do I draw the line saying "yep, I'm finished, no more"?
 
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It's not really something I think anyone else can advise you on! Drawing that line is up to you.

One thing I find useful is, once I think myself done - to leave it (even just for a few hours or overnight), then come back to it and read it through entirely.
Things that while being written I didn't catch, are suddenly obvious(ly wrong), and then I can fix them!
 
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Hey y'all, sorry to bump up such an old thread but I was wondering if I could get some final feedback on this script, which I seem to be pretty proud of. I made a lot and a lot of adjustments/changes that I think really help it, thoughts/analysis are much appreciated!

Script!: http://tinyurl.com/l8kwmfk
 
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I don't understand Sam's reaction when Jaime tells her the man tried to kill him. It seems as though she is chastising him for what he did yet it seemed as though his life was seriously threatened and it was either shoot the intruder or be killed himself. Unless I missed a part where it is shown that the intruder wasn't actually trying to kill Jaime.
 
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Within context it doesn't really make sense, but at this point Sam is overreacting and sort of just lashing out at Jamie as if to make him feel attacked and/or threatened and thus you have Jamie's backlash at the end where he sort of implodes all his frustrations at her. Would changing that dialogue help you think?
 
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Ok but why is Sam overreacting? She knows about Jaime's condition, his mental state, so why is she acting in a way as to make him feel threatened? She doesn't seem to be freaking out and hysterical but instead it's like she's lecturing him after he just went through a traumatic experience.
 
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Regardless of one's "condition" in a family, when it comes to someone close to you, killing someone, it becomes a problem no matter what. In a sense, I want the dialogue to be confusing, so the audience feels what Jamie feels , confusion. But I also don't want her to sound too dumb and stupid so that her end spchell doesn't have any credidence . She has to be confusing to Jamie and the audience, but at the same time it as to have some logic to it, so that the audience can actually trust what she says at the end. Does that make sense or am I going crazy?
 
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