The Funeral - Feedback Requested

arrodiii · Jul 21, 2011

Good evening all,

I am wondering if you all will be so kind to give my short a read and provide me some feedback? It's a quick read at seven pages and not much dialogue at all.

Logline: A guy deals with the loss of a loved one.

Here is the link:

https://docs.google.com/viewer?a=v&...MmQxMi00NTliLWIyYWEtZjM2MTQxYmJmYzM5&hl=en_US

I have it set to anyone with the link, so there should be no issues, though if you come across any, please feel free to notify me and I'll see what I can do to fix it.

Thank you in advance for your time and critiques.

Cheers,

Adam

kinglis · Jul 21, 2011

I didn't get it
I'll read it again tomorrow

"After a few seconds, Haily grabs his arm."
"After a few seconds" in a screenplay doesn't count

"The restaurant is full with normal, everyday people..."
For me, the restaurant is full with cannibals, who are normal people. I wonder who are the "everyday people" ?

arrodiii · Jul 22, 2011

kinglis said:
I didn't get it
I'll read it again tomorrow

I'm sorry, but I think that it's a little straight forward, though maybe a little more subtle, on what Hailey is. If you read again and still don't understand, I will be more than happy to explain.

kinglis said:
"After a few [minutes]" in a screenplay doesn't count ... For me, the restaurant is full with cannibals, who are normal people. I wonder who are the "everyday people" ?

Ok, so I added a few extra words that are unnecessary for the passing of time.

As for "everyday people", this is what I had in mind:

http://www.pritchettcartoons.com/samples/people.jpg

Thank you for the read, I appreciate the comments and will work on that.

Cheers,

Adam

kinglis · Jul 22, 2011

Did David hire Hailey for the funeral?

I read it twice but didn't get the conflict...

arrodiii · Jul 22, 2011

Yes, David hired Hailey to accompany him to a funeral.

As for the conflict, I don't want there to be any external conflict. The only conflict is David's internal conflict with himself for hiring a prostitute to accompany him to a funeral.

He is having second thoughts in the opening driving scene before he turns on the radio and the music comes on the first song reminds him of where he is going (The Funeral), which is why he changes the station. The second song is to represent his mood about his decision for hiring Hailey (Seemed Like the Right Thing To Do).

When he's at the funeral sermon, he loses it and goes into a guilt driven shut down mode and just drinks to become oblivious to things. That's why I have him just stirring his drink and paying for things the rest of the time - he knows it was a mistake but decides to go with his decision in a drunken state to not have to feel or face his decision.

Though, thank you for pointing out that it may not be coming out this way - if you have any pointers on what would make you get this feeling from reading this, feel free to provide them. Though I really kind of wrote this for fun and felt that with its simplicity, an actor would be able to create David any way they felt (comedic, bumbling, meek, etc)

Thank you again for taking the time to read it.

Cheers,
Adam

FantasySciFi · Jul 22, 2011

It came across as pretty flat. David is very numb. She keeps forcing him to suppress his feelings. We have no clear sense who this person is that died--wife, sister, girlfriend, mother? It was clear at the end she was a call girl. She seems emotionally dull too, perhaps because he is just another trick. Drama requires some emotion and neither display any. As a result it's just a flash between locations. Overall it was a disappointing read.

arrodiii · Jul 22, 2011

@Fantasy

David is supposed to be flat - that's kind if what I'm going for with this. He just lost someone and doesn't know how to handle it and he's now left with no one. He just happens to deal with his issues in a detrimental and negative way. He's also disappointed with his decision, though suppressed, like you said, by his purchase. She is looking at this like a normal job and weekend, while he isn't because of what is going on in his world.
And does it really matter who died?* I'm trying to keep it simple by leaving it as a female to lead into David's dismissal of women as a whole throughout the rest of the story, especially of Hailey.
I know my log line states its about a guy going through the loss of someone, but its not about him - the story, as I picture it, its about Hailey. She's the worker in the entire story, she has changes the most by being as accommodating to David as she can, minus the one night when she does she's paid for though for her own selfish reasons.
The point of this short is to show two unattached people brought together for a simple cause that happens on a daily basis.* I'm not looking for a tear jerker or a I wanna root for this person or that one with this, I'm looking at this as a Solondz film, but without the caring - Noe, Brunel and countless others have made movies in which the audience is supposed to feel unattached, even disdain for, the characters - that's what I'm looking for, minus showing David's inner turmoil in the beginning to show the audience that he is a normal, every day person who made a mistake. Additionally I'm looking to show the lengths one person will go to for the need of companionship when their world left them alone.

Thank you for read and time,* I'm sorry, that you didn't enjoy it.

Cheers,
Adam

kinglis · Jul 23, 2011

arrodiii said:
Yes, David hired Hailey to accompany him to a funeral.

Why does he need to do that?

arrodiii · Jul 23, 2011

kinglis said:
Why does he need to do that?

He doesn't "need" to, he just thought it was the right thing to do so he wasn't alone.

kinglis · Jul 23, 2011

Maybe that's why your character is a bit flat

True character in in films is revealed through making choices under pressure.

arrodiii · Jul 25, 2011

kinglis said:
Maybe that's why your character is a bit flat

True character in in films is revealed through making choices under pressure.

so, you are saying that you think the character is flat because you didn't see him make a decision to hire a prostitute?

a.p · Jul 25, 2011

alright, i read it about three times and didn't see the point of it. granted, it's written quite well, but you need to ask yourself "why would somebody want to watch my film?" when you make it. if it was filmed and i watched it, i would be very confused as to what i saw. all i see is a funeral, store and house. there's no backbone to the story, no point to it, although that sounds harsher than i mean it to be.

okay, try this. you need a point to make a story, you need a story to make a film. if a film doesn't have a point, then it's useless and nobody will watch it twice.
the only problem with yours is that it's lacking a focal point. it's like looking at an abstract painting, but it's a blank canvas. there needs to be something to focus on.

i hope this makes sense, and i'm not bashing on you at all.

arrodiii · Jul 25, 2011

a.p said:
you need a point to make a story...the only problem with yours is that it's lacking a focal point...i hope this makes sense, and i'm not bashing on you at all.

No, it does, and I appreciate your comment. I am not taking it, or any other comments or critiques as bashing (though I apologize if they my replies come out more abrasive than they should). This is exactly the kind of feedback I need to hear - only way that I will actually learn something. It seems like it's time to write a second draft with a focal point and give the characters some depth and maybe just write them to where someone will actually care for them.

Cheers,

Adam