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Thriller logline - opinions?

2001 Productions

2001 Productions

Hey gang! Logline for my new thriller screenplay:

After moving into a foreclosed home, a divorcee believes she is being terrorized by the previous owner: her ex-husband.
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First impressions? Does it make you want to know more, or is it, "meh"?

Many thanks in advance!
 
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cool..

This next bit is to just stimulate your thinking, not actual opinions.

throw away what YOU think is important and get to what the STORY thinks is important.

At some level you feel the "foreclosure" thing is very important. It is to the plot, but not to what the story is about. Do you know what I mean?

You feel that the peeping tom erotic angel is important, again its not a story about that.. is it??

Consider this.. based on what YOU think is important (as I read from your comments) the log line would be something like this.

After a dissolution of marriage resulting in the husband being awarded the home, a woman buys their old house in a foreclosure Trustee Sale at a substantial discount yielding potential ROI of 28%, however against the advice of here real estate attorney, she decides to retain ownership and move in to the home where she parades around necked, striking hot pornographic poses in unlikely places with the windows open, someone photographs he in this poses and post them on the internet.

I know that was over the top by way of example.. I KNOW thats not anything like your story, but you get my point dont you?

The story is not about what the story is about.

Your story is certainly about divorce, foreclosures and peeping toms, but its REALLY about a confused messed up love that drives a person(s) to extremes.

Sell the sizzle, not the steak.

Figure out what the story is REALLY about.
Figure out what the STAKES are. (we dont know that yet, you haven't given away enough of your plot.. lol)

Your log line should write itself from those two ideas.

This advice is worth every penny you paid for it.

Thanks
 
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You guys are the best! :D The suggestions are much appreciated!

Cracker Funk said:
Was I right, in hoping that you've got some Hitchcockian elements in it?
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Very much so! :cool: I wanted to write something very claustrophobic and inexpensive to shoot, so the whole thing takes place in the house with only a half dozen characters or so. The audience only sees what the protagonist sees; we experience what she's experiencing through her eyes, and later those of the detective she hires.

I was also intrigued by the idea that, with all the foreclosures happening right now, some people are vandalizing the properties out of spite before the bank takes them over. That, in itself, isn't much of a plot; but what if the previous owner instead acted out his frustrations on the new owner? He needed a motive: enter the ugly divorce.

Of course the "woman being terrorized" plot is not new, but then neither is "boy meets girl" or "small group of rebels battles tyrannical empire". If anyone can come up with a new plot, I expect they will find themselves a very, very wealthy individual indeed! :yes:

Any other opinions of the suggestions from gelder, arodiii, et al? Thanks again!
 
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I almost feel like the ex-husband reveal is too much of a giveaway for the logline. I mean, not knowing the full story, if she moves into her ex's house and someone is harassing her and it turns out to be him, it's not much of a surprise, is it? And if it isn't him, this logline is a complete red herring, which I don't think is good for your logline.

If that's the case, I might go with: "After buying a home, a woman learns she is being watched and believes her former spouse is behind a series of attacks."

gelder
 
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I agree with you, gelder. Just a reminder, my original wording:

After moving into a foreclosed home, a divorcee believes she is being terrorized by the previous owner: her ex-husband.
Click to expand...

I used the word "believes" as well, for just that reason. Also, the woman is not "attacked", per se -
well, not until the climax
- but an unseen someone is using the house itself as a means to f**k with her, the severity of which increases as we go along.

:hmm:

edit: If the above comes across as at all defensive, it's unintentional! Just meant to clarify. :) Your input is much appreciated!
 
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2001 Productions said:
edit: If the above comes across as at all defensive, it's unintentional! Just meant to clarify. :) Your input is much appreciated!
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No, not at all defensive. You have to explain your thoughts in order for us to be able to be of any help, since we haven't read the script, etc.

"Believes" isn't the word that troubles me as much as "ex-husband" - that reveal is the part I think is too much.

If you just remove that from your original thought: "After moving into a foreclosed home, a divorcee believes she is being terrorized by the previous owner." - that's more compelling to me, because it doesn't say ex-hubby. As soon as I see her ex-husband owned the house she moves into, I assume it's either him, or you're going to make it look like him till the last minute, then pull out the "friendly cop" who's doing it, or whatever.

Make sense...?

gelder
 
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steve gelder said:
If you just remove that from your original thought: "After moving into a foreclosed home, a divorcee believes she is being terrorized by the previous owner." - that's more compelling to me, because it doesn't say ex-hubby.
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Totally makes sense! In fact, I originally went back and forth about whether or not to include the "ex-husband" part. Being so close to the work, I had absolutely no clue whether that made it more or less interesting. Very good to have your concrete thoughts on that. Thanks!

Anybody else have an opinion on whether simply removing the last two words makes a significant difference?
 
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I have to say that I think the ex-husband slant is your hook and the thing that makes this premise a little different and interesting. And the crucial difference between a logline and a tagline is that the logline has to demonstrate why your script is interesting and original, not simply a case of showing a little bit of leg... For that reason I would endeavour to keep the ex-husband in the line. I actually think your original is probably the strongest and the use of the colon implies that it's a twist without totally ignoring it.
 
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Nick's right - you do want to tell more in the logline than the tagline.

I'm not sure that I agree that the ex-husband thing is that different, but it is the major beat of your story, so probably better to include it in there. For a tagline, I'd avoid it, because I think it telegraphs what probably happens in the film.

gelder
 
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