• Wondering which camera, gear, computer, or software to buy? Ask in our Gear Guide.

Tell me how you like this concept.

Ok, this is the basic synopsis for a story I am going to begin screenwriting soon. As you'll see I pieced together some elements of Phone Booth and Dog Day Afternoon, as well as a lot of original ideas which will be more visible in the screenplay.

"The Final Thread" (Working Title)
Basic Synopsis

As a teenager, Randall Tollman suffered through the death of his mother and severe physical abuse by his father. Both shaped his condition as an adult...

Present day, Randall lives in an apartment with his wife. Once a week, he sees a psychiatrist after work about his mental imbalance.

One day, his morning starts off perfectly normal and he heads out to work. It is then we discover his wife is being unfaithful, as she calls her secret lover to spend the day at the apartment while Randall works. Halfway on his drive to work, Randall realizes he has left some very important paperwork at home and must return to get it.

Remember this: This secret lover has no idea she's married.

Randall walks in on his wife with her lover. He obviously becomes angry, but because of his mental fragility, he is on the brink of insanity. He uses his 9mm handgun to hold both hostage in what becomes an elevated police standoff, ultimately leading to his fate...

(I'll give you guys the ending: he tells his wife that all he ever wanted was for her to be happy, even in his mental state. He makes it look like he's about to kill the lover, but instead turns the gun on himself. Randall's entire family looks down on his ex-wife after he dies, and her lover leaves her because he couldn't understand why she was so cruel to take advantage of her mental husband.)

So basically, the end of the story is: her greed for passion ended up hurting every one around her, the family and the ex-lover despise her, and she ends up with no one, when all along she could have been happy with Randall.

Let me get your feedback, positive or negative. Thank you! :)
 
It's a good start. I like the unhappy ending.

You're gonna have to work hard to make sure the movie is not cliche. Some of the elements seem cliche (troubled childhood, man forgets something "important" and returns home to find his wife fooling around, man threatens someone then kills himself), but it is up to you to take something old and make it new.

Good luck.

Poke
 
You could makes omething good out of that, sure.

Personally, I'd suggest skipping skipping the whole extended background on why he is so emotionally fragile... because it really has no relevance in the situation you are setting up.

:)
 
bensmerglia said:
Remember this: This secret lover has no idea she's married.

How does the guy not know she's married if he's going to her apartment were all her family pictures and her husbands' stuff is? I think that's a plot hole you may have to look in too if you haven't already. It probably could be fixed by showing the wife quickly taking steps to cover evidence of her husband. It would make look more evil as well. :grrr:
 
Last edited:
It probably could be fixed by showing the wife quickly taking steps to cover evidence of her husband.

That's what we are going to do. Then, for some added thrill I'm adding a scene where the husband has calmed down a bit (still holding them hostage in apt) and the lover explores the apartment. He begins to look through drawers, discovering all of this hidden evidence, realizing what a bad person this wife really is.
 
Poke mentioned some of the possible cliches, so I'll spare you anything else on that and leave it to you to ensure you've made them as uncliche as possible. I'm sure you can do it.

I like the idea - and the unhappy ending is a nice change. To many feel good movies out there... but I guess that's Hollywood for you. The biggest trouble I see for you is the introduction, because you can't really go straight into a big standoff... you need some time to meet the characters and the like beforehand.

But again, I'm sure you'll work that out as you start writing.

Best of luck!
 
The biggest trouble I see for you is the introduction, because you can't really go straight into a big standoff... you need some time to meet the characters and the like beforehand.

Well as I said in the synopsis, there is going to be a basic look back at his childhood life to show how he got that way.

So far I have it planned like this:

We show him biking out with his friend and doing "growing up boy" stuff. They're throwing rocks at street signs and just hanging out. Then theyre biking home and a dog runs out in the middle of the street right near his driveway. The friend slams his bike breaks. Randall isnt paying attention and crashes into his friend. Him and the bike get knocked over, the friend has quite a hard fall and starts crying. Then from inside the house we see Randall's abusive father walk up to the window. Instead of an accident, he sees Randall standing over the crying kid lying next to a knocked over bike.

He storms out of the house yelling "Did you hurt him? Did YOU do this?!" Randall tries to say no and so does the friend saying "no really im okay!!" But the father wont hear it. He litterally punches the crap out of Randall (I've made 5 versions of this scene with storyboarding, Its probably gonna be shot over and over again, I kinda want it to be an infamous classic scene) Randall and his friend are screaming for him to stop. He eventually punches the sobbing Randall to the ground and walks back toward the house saying "Get up pussy, and don't let the neighbors see you crying."

Then it cuts to his room in the evening. We see Randall's immensly bruised face. He picks up a picture of a woman and says "I miss you mom." We see a C/U of Randall's face and then it dissolves to a C/U of Adult Randall in the same position in the frame. He starts talking about general things with his wife before the whole incident, before he leaves for work, with a subtitle saying however many years later,

then the movie resumes from there.
 
Well, I'm sure you have more in your script that somehow ties it together... I'm still thinking the whole background is irrelevant, though, from what has been provided to review.

Simply returning to the house (for whatever reason) to find a wife fooling around is probably enough to trigger a reaction like that, in many peeps. Establishing a background that doesn't tie in further into the story is just superfluous.

How long is the flick supposed to be, btw? I'm assuming a short of some kind.
 
I disagree on the starting with the standoff. This story might serve better with a non linear style. Open with the standoff to grab attention and elevate tension and stakes. While working towards the resolution interject back story. Stay away from Phone Booth and Dog Day, that will drop some cliches. Research with your local police dept. to ask how they would respond to your scenario and build from there.

I see some cliches as mentioned before. I also see some character issues. You went into depth about Randall but the person moving the story really is the wife and with her actions, Randall is mainly reacting. Might consider working more on her character. Her dealings with Randall, their past, her dealing with his issues, and th consequences of her doing this despite his condition. There is some territory there not normally explored. This may cast away some of the cliches and also solidify your theme more which is loose with your original synopsis.

I like what you have to start with and of course surprise endings are the haps right now so I definatly like that.
 
My initial reaction is that it's very simple... what's the point of the film? that it's selfish to cheat on your husband? The wife character sounds like she takes a beating in the film... kind of like Annette Benning's character in American Beauty, basically a woman who has no redeeming qualities (one of the reasons I wasn't as high on American Beauty as some people).

I think there's a lot of potential in the idea of having a husband, wife and lover confined in one place for a period of time. Lot's of opportunity for examination of relationships, marriage and cheating. I'd just be careful not to vilify the wife (maybe you're not planning to, but that's the sense i get from your description). Make all the characters sympathetic and at fault, and I think it would be interesting.
 
May I suggest some other things. Like a motive. perhaps the wife at the end laughs and there can be a flashback of her setting up the husband and using the so called "lover" only so the husband will kill himself and she collects a huge insurence policy.

or, perhaps.. as twisted as it is. The husband breaks down and the boyfriend turns to him and gives him comfort and they fall into a gay love afair and shoot her in the face.

ok, the last part was meant to be ammusing. but it could happen :)
 
I'm pretty sure this is how Minority Report starts. Not *exactly* but same basic setup. That doesn't mean it won't work for you, it will, just make it feel very different. Actually I just popped in the DVD and it is almost the same except that the main guy decides to hide behind a tree just after he leaves and then goes in and says "I forgot my glasses, you know how blind I am without them."

I like your first twist, KG!
 
Last edited:
Wow. I can't believe people are still replying to this, lol.

May I suggest some other things. Like a motive. perhaps the wife at the end laughs and there can be a flashback of her setting up the husband and using the so called "lover" only so the husband will kill himself and she collects a huge insurence policy.

Yeah. I was thinking something like that for awhile. But, I haven't really been focusing on this story but another one which I'm attempting to write, tentative title Resilience. I'll post the script someday when I'm done...whenever that is.
 
just a thought about this

bensmerglia said:
Well as I said in the synopsis, there is going to be a basic look back at his childhood life to show how he got that way.

So far I have it planned like this:

We show him biking out with his friend and doing "growing up boy" stuff. They're throwing rocks at street signs and just hanging out. Then theyre biking home and a dog runs out in the middle of the street right near his driveway. The friend slams his bike breaks. Randall isnt paying attention and crashes into his friend. Him and the bike get knocked over, the friend has quite a hard fall and starts crying. Then from inside the house we see Randall's abusive father walk up to the window. Instead of an accident, he sees Randall standing over the crying kid lying next to a knocked over bike.

He storms out of the house yelling "Did you hurt him? Did YOU do this?!" Randall tries to say no and so does the friend saying "no really im okay!!" But the father wont hear it. He litterally punches the crap out of Randall (I've made 5 versions of this scene with storyboarding, Its probably gonna be shot over and over again, I kinda want it to be an infamous classic scene) Randall and his friend are screaming for him to stop. He eventually punches the sobbing Randall to the ground and walks back toward the house saying "Get up pussy, and don't let the neighbors see you crying."

Then it cuts to his room in the evening. We see Randall's immensly bruised face. He picks up a picture of a woman and says "I miss you mom." We see a C/U of Randall's face and then it dissolves to a C/U of Adult Randall in the same position in the frame. He starts talking about general things with his wife before the whole incident, before he leaves for work, with a subtitle saying however many years later,

then the movie resumes from there.


Instead of making the background an introduction you could chose key events that would relate to his past and have mental flash backs. A kind of reveal and explain as he becomes more unstable. :)

my 2 cents

Mike
 
I think that you should show some of the relationship between the husband and wife before the shootout because it helps to set up what is to come. Instead of just racing into a shootout or hostage situation you could show what brings the three of them together. Also, to increase the connection that we have with the wife and the lover you could show what connects them together - for example, what the lover sees in the wife. This could lead to more 3d characters. Who is the protagonist in the story? Is it the husband? Maybe you could make a twist where we discover that the lover is actually the protagonist, because this could help avoid cliche and clearly defines that there are problems caused by both the husband and the wife that lead to the level of conflict in the story.

These are just suggestions. Just some thoughts I have.
 
bensmerglia said:
Ok, this is the basic synopsis for a story I am going to begin screenwriting soon. As you'll see I pieced together some elements of Phone Booth and Dog Day Afternoon, as well as a lot of original ideas which will be more visible in the screenplay.

"The Final Thread" (Working Title)
Basic Synopsis

As a teenager, Randall Tollman suffered through the death of his mother and severe physical abuse by his father. Both shaped his condition as an adult...

Present day, Randall lives in an apartment with his wife. Once a week, he sees a psychiatrist after work about his mental imbalance.

One day, his morning starts off perfectly normal and he heads out to work. It is then we discover his wife is being unfaithful, as she calls her secret lover to spend the day at the apartment while Randall works. Halfway on his drive to work, Randall realizes he has left some very important paperwork at home and must return to get it.

Remember this: This secret lover has no idea she's married.

Randall walks in on his wife with her lover. He obviously becomes angry, but because of his mental fragility, he is on the brink of insanity. He uses his 9mm handgun to hold both hostage in what becomes an elevated police standoff, ultimately leading to his fate...

(I'll give you guys the ending: he tells his wife that all he ever wanted was for her to be happy, even in his mental state. He makes it look like he's about to kill the lover, but instead turns the gun on himself. Randall's entire family looks down on his ex-wife after he dies, and her lover leaves her because he couldn't understand why she was so cruel to take advantage of her mental husband.)

So basically, the end of the story is: her greed for passion ended up hurting every one around her, the family and the ex-lover despise her, and she ends up with no one, when all along she could have been happy with Randall.

Let me get your feedback, positive or negative. Thank you! :)

I like what you're written in your post. The only problem is that this kind of incident happens once a week in America so making not making it cliche is the real challenge i.e., what Poke pointed out along with some others.

Having gone through a divorce myself and being a somewhat average, reasonably intelligent, happy guy, I would rather see you show a guy who has it all together. We already know that a guy with mental imbalance is going to break down... We probably already know or are anticipating that he will eventually kill himself. Show a guy who has it all and LOSES IT with the snap of the fingers...

Since the audience is totally prepared for the cliche, REVERSE IT.

Let's see a guy who has everything together. Don't make him anal, but someone like the rest of us who's been pushed to the edge.

I got a divorce because of my ex-wife having an affair. Trust me when I tell you that it took every bit of control and temptation NOT to throw everything in the shitter and blow her ass away. I know that sounds harsh but it's true. I had (and still have) 3 kids that I got up with every morning and cooked their breakfast and stood with them at the bus stop because my job kept me working late almost every night. That was my time with them...

When all that was flushed away, I went insane on a lot of things...

For instance...

At the time, I was in the Navy. I was supposed to be well groomed and in uniform every day. Well, I could have cared less. I went to work in civilian clothes needing a shave. Luckily, I had enough oustanding people in my command who went through similar things and recognized that my mood was temporary. Just to give you an idea... I had been married 17 years to my ex-wife and thought she was my best friend.

So to have this entire world crumble around you before your very eyes will IN FACT cause you to do some very strange things not to mention CONTEMPLATE doing some very strange things that you would NEVER, EVER consider doing if everything was going okay...

I've always been interested in seeing this side of the story because it happened to me. I can also tell you that it happens to men and women every day of the week but no film has done it justice.

I've thought of writing a script about myself someday so I have a ton of thoughts about the subject... LOL.

Good luck though...

filmy
 
What Filmy said is very true - you could try making the man more stable and making him lose everything in one go. Still, I guess it depends on what you're trying to get at with the story, what lies at the route of the whole incident. There could be a number of things that affect your characters and the marriage between the husband and wife. Have you done character profiles yet? Maybe by doing these first you could find something that truly benefits your story and could open up a new side you hadn't seen before. :lol:
 
in response to the "normal guy driven to the edge of his sanity" idea, i'd like to suggest a movie that came out in 1993 (i think) called Falling Down. It wasn't an incredible movie, but it explores the concept of a normal dude who just totally loses it because of circumstances. The good twist is that by the end of the movie, the guy has gone on a total rampage and has a list of crimes 2 miles long to his name, but it's still never made clear whether he's right or wrong. i guess it becomes more clear when you watch the movie.
 
I always felt that it was very clear at the end of the film that the Michael Douglas character had "fallen down" from his moral perch and the Robert Duvall character had "risen up" to a higher perch.

Poke
 
Back
Top