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Feedback Wanted: Historical Sci-fi TV Pilot

Hi All,

I'm working on a script that I'm very excited about. It's an original TV pilot set in ancient Egypt that explores a power struggle between alien forces who influence the politics and religion. Essentially the aliens are worshipped as gods but they also have their own agendas.

I have a completed draft that I am sitting aside while work on another script. In the mean time I'm looking for some feedback. It's running a little short so I know it needs to be fleshed out a bit.

I'm always up for a read-for-a-read if anyone wants. I can send a pdf via email. Any takers please reply with your email or private message me.

Thanks in advance.
 
Just be real careful how you pitch this. This is basically the premise of the movie and television series "Star Gate". Because of the content overlap, it would be hard to convince a studio to pick it up unless it showed marked differences. In the current market, it's easier for them to pass and re-boot old series to which they own the rights. You need to present it so it doesn't sound like a Stargate clone. I'm not saying your project is exactly like that one, just that studios would be hesitant in order to avoid potential litigation.
 
To Maz: I sent you the script and wanted to make sure that the email went through. The system would not allow me to private message you. Please let me know if you got it. Thank you so much for the read.
 
damn it, stargate was awesome. Still one of my all time favourite series.

Time2Focus...

Be very careful as Fantasy said...you are on very thin ice if later it can be shown that you were influenced by the Stargate series. Effectively you would be open to a law suite.

My advice, read a basic premise of what stargate is about, but do not watch it in case it inadvertently influences your own writing.
 
I watched it. I think it is very different. I need to rework the pitch to be more specific. When I get my logline polished I will post it here. I think doing a logline for a series is new territory in itself for me but I will post it shortly.
 
Work on an original hook. I love reading about history myself, but the unfortunate fact is nobody is that interested in it, so it needs something to relate it to modern cell phone-using, car-driving world. Heck, even History Channel isn't about history, anymore. I never saw Star Gate, but it looks as if they did that, traveling back and forth between the old and new.

Anyway, it would have to be very original to involve aliens and ancient Egypt and not sound similar to Star Gate.
 
lol, to me it indeed sounded like Star Gate and 10,000 BC.
Both Emmerich films and both leaning on the 'Von Däniken'-theory (ancient gods as space travelers).
 
Hi t2f. I received it and read it. I have to say that though I watched the movie Stargate years ago (and it was dreadful iirc), I haven't seen the series that inexplicably spun off from it.

I like the way you've taken a genuine series of events in history, and attached an alien explanation to them - although that does just make it seem like an episode of Doctor Who.

The story is easy enough to follow but the characters don't seem quite right, and a big reason for this for me is the fact that everyone seems to get along as though in a modern workplace drama series - when in fact a realistic portrayal of the power dynamics involved would likely have been very different indeed.

The dialogue is a big cause of this. Obviously it's hard to depict how characters of different social classes should converse in a fictionalised version of Ancient Egypt where everyone inexplicably speaks English, but I think a writer would probably do well to make it sound less obviously modern, even if that does make it sound a little unusual - look at how Game of Thrones has developed its own linguistic style. This may well be less important when it's on the screen, but on the page it just reads wrong.

I do have more things to say, but I'm in a bit of a rush!
 
Thanks a ton Maz. I know hierarchy is going to naturally be important given the setting and in retrospect your tip about linguistic style is dead on. This helps a lot in my revision process. Much of this draft was completed on a writing binge so I'm really trying to pull back and gain some perspective.
 
Thanks a ton Maz. I know hierarchy is going to naturally be important given the setting and in retrospect your tip about linguistic style is dead on. This helps a lot in my revision process. Much of this draft was completed on a writing binge so I'm really trying to pull back and gain some perspective.

No problem, and happy to help :)

Another thought that occurred to me was that it would perhaps be a little confusing for the aliens to have such similar names. I can see how, even though it's obvious on the page, it could lead to confusion for viewers. It depends on how tied you are to those particular 'gods' and what they represent historically and how that impacts on your ongoing story.
 
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