I have rewritten this scene: what do you think?

Much more standard in format, making it easier to read.

It looks much cleaner. As your personal shooting script, it would work. However, the dialogue goes on without any break. This leads to a "talking heads" situation. You just see talking heads on a screen. Chances are that the characters are doing something while they are listening or talking. Having a whole page of dialogue doesn't play well on the screen.

Movie dialogue tends to be rather shortened. Typically two to five dialogues followed by an action. Go and read a few movie scripts and you'll understand what I mean. I want to emphasize there is no hard and fast rule--"Three lines, action, repeat". Dialogue needs to be crisper in the movies because it seems to stretch when filmed. Even a simple line like
"Jason looks at Tyler, rolls his eyes and sighs." will help break the dialogue.

Honestly, you have about three pages of straight dialogue (pp. 3-5). Right now it reads like a transcript of the House budget debate. Especially for an action short, you want to emphasize the characters "doing" rather than "talking". How can you translate some of that dialogue into action sequences--show the audience rather than tell them? A lot of what Keith says is repeated and could be cut down. If I have time later, I will show you what I mean. Rather than going back and forth between Keith and the others, have Keith present his objection once. Have Tyler and Jason state their objections briefly. Then have Keith dismiss them and move on.

Movies differ from short stories in that there is not a lot of exposition and explanation. The situation unfolds in front of the viewer. Imagine you're transcribing the anime/movie as you'd see it on TV or in the theater.

Okay I see what you are saying about the dialogue breaks and how it is a long stretch of just talking but I had been given advice that says that typically actors will fill in movements and things by themselves and whenever I have acted, on screen or in theatre, I personally dislike being told exactly how to move and act because I feel that it looks too stiff and controlled. Sure a skilled actor would be able to do it well but I also think that they would be able to think and act accordingly with what they are saying. I also agree with what you said about the repetition and I will take that in to accordance when planning and writing my other scenes

Wow so I just realized that I screwed up and selected the wrong name from the character list... Joey got selected in the ending few lines when it should have been Keith. Sorry if that is confusing

I updated it and the original link should take you to a version that I personally think flows better and makes more sense. I took a few hours away from the dialogue and came back and refined it. I will probably do it again tomorrow to make it more natural sounding but I want your opinion first

This reads much better. By putting in the piece about Keith being backed into the wall, it gave the scene much more tension than I originally sensed. I think you're on the right track.

I would still be ruthless about really cutting down your paragraphs.

What is the really important elements? Sharing changes the future. That's what he needs to say.
We go from 61 words to 27 and basically say the same thing. Or I could go further
You want to really boil down your words to be meaningful. Obviously you want to balance the tone in a way that is appropriate to your character. Another piece with your dialogue is to make use of contractions where appropriate. "I will go to see if he is ready." is grammatically correct but most of us, when talking, would say, "I'll go see if he's ready." Dialogue reads more smoothly when it's not "textbook".

Overall, it shows major improvement. Good job.

Okay. I did go back and check out my paragraphs but I thought that the long speeches from Keith were necessary to show how paranoid he is. Ill take another look but I think I may like it as it is. I have been reading them in a few different styles to see how I want the character to sound and speak

The scene starts well and then you ruin it all with full blooded exposition

I was so curious what's happening, instead you gave me exposition through dialog

No

Updated again. Kinglis, tell me if it's anymore interesting but I don't quite understand what you are saying. I made some changes and took about a page worth of useless dialogue off of the script

You've written it for TV, didn't you?
Cause I don't need to see this movie, I can listen to it while I'm cooking in the kitchen.
And I don't like this

Comikkaze said:

... I changed the way the scene works and it's not the first or last scene of the short so any confusing or missing info will be there by the end of the short.

Click to expand...

I think that is where the impasse is. It is a scene plucked out. You flog this dead horse about not being able to share the future. You have a group of six people shift around inside a small room. We have no idea who they are or what they are about (a solid Act 1 intro). There is no real tension--"Uh, guys maybe we should talk about this before the grown ups arrive." So it is hard to say yea or nay.

The changes you made make it look more like a script, but honestly, what they're saying is the same thing over and over. You need the action to be decisive.

They're in the room
-- Yo, we have to do something.
-- We're only kids. What can we do? Justin's dad's too powerful.
-- Look, you see the future, tell us what will happen. What should we do?
-- I can't. At this point, if I say anything I'll alter the future.
-- Then I'll do something! We can't let him kill anymore normals.
Starts to leave and Joey steps in.
-- What can you tell us?
Tyler hesitates.
-- You guys, leave us.
-- What are you going to do with him.
-- Nothing. But if only two of us know, it will make it easier to plan and protect the future.
Tyler nods agreement.
Mind meld
They plan to leave when Justin's dad arrives.
...

That's the scene in a nutshell (pretty much 1 1/2 scripted pages). That's what you need to put on the page. The story is everything that comes before it and how they resolve the conflict afterwards. This isn't your story but a scene snippet. You're elaborating the scene far out of proportion to its importance. This is a boring scene. What's interesting is how they plan to thwart King Greamer and rescue the humans, not Tyler whining for seven minutes. One of them should tell him, "The future's unpredictable, get over it dude!"