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Injured Character Dialogue

T

TenDay

Okay, so I've got a character who took a bullet to the chest and, subsequently, is having a little trouble breathing.

Does anybody have any suggestions on how to make it clear that he's gasping for breath during his dialogue? I don't want to put "(gasping for breath)" in front of every line over 20 or 30 scenes. I used ellipses throughout to show pauses, but my readers last night didn't quite get it until I explained it to them.

Thanks!
 
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if the readers didn't get it, then your problem is in the action not the dialogue. (or the readers.. I mean they may be utterly clueless)

Let the actors decide how to deliver the lines. Using white space. ellipses etc should be enough to hint at what your thinking.

Did I read that right.. 20 or 30 scenes! You'll need to reinforce the situation in the action for each scene.

SCENE ONE:

Billy gasps for breath....

SCENE TWELVE

Billy, gurgles blood, and takes a shuttering breath...

SCENE TWENTY
Billy slips in and out of consciousness, mumbles some incoherent noise


The key is that any actor will read the action and deliver based on motivation.
For example, imagine how differently someone like Steven Buscmi would deliver your lines in contrast to an actor like John Wayne.
 
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I'll double-check my action to be certain. Maybe it could use a little more reinforcement.

I wasn't sure if I needed to have a note at the first scene stating something like, "Roy will be gasping for breath throughout the next XX scenes of dialogue," or if the action should be enough to carry it.

And I might've put too much faith in my readers. They were cold-reading and skimming the action pretty quick.

Thanks.
 
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Perhaps this will be of some help. This is the approach I've taken in a similar circumstance, that of a cardiac arrest, similiar, i'd assume.
--
Completely aghast, Albert Newington is rooted to the spot, his knees shake violently, his throat hoarse.

ALBERT NEWINGTON

...My concerns will always be for the welfare of Masill--

Albert clutches his chest, and his feet begin to falter beneath his weight.

Th-h-here will be killings, i can as-ssure you.

His face a fiery purple, he hisses.

(Cont'd)

'not to b-be trusted, we are a town on the Eve of War, M-M-Mr.Consentine.

Parnuis stands and watches as Albert falls to his knees, as his chest heaves back and forth in long drawn-out breaths.

(Cont'd)

to strippp'... t-the town of its unityyy' at this present time...would be--to destr--to dest-destroy.

Albert collapses with a dull and climatic THUD, dead.

--
 
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LOL, a bullet to the chest, and a little trouble breathing, huh? LOL, I took a bullet to my body armor, and I could barely walk or breath, much less talk, and it didn't even break the skin. Okay, so I'm jaded.

Okay, first off what caliber bullet? When I was a medic (yes, I was a paramedic and a military medic prior to that) I treated many SCW's (sucking chest wounds) which is the most common injury with a penetrating chest injury. .22 cal, okay, maybe they can be fairly coherent in their speech (Reagan). Anything bigger and well, now we are delving into creative license. Once you go there, then reality is quite dissassociated from script. Not a problem, though, if that's okay with you. Your character can do many things then.

But things to think of for a realistic "look"

1. Pink to blood tinged froth on the lips.

2. Extremely difficult to breath, much less talk, until the wound is covered with an occlusive dressing and possibly a thoro-pneumocentesis (sp? sorry too lazy to look it up) is administered.

3. JVD (jugular vein distension) is very present, this is easily replicated with proper MUA work.

4. Tracheal deviation. But this is fairly end-stage, so I wouldn't worry about it.

What is the time period of this piece?
 
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Good suggestions, Indie-Arms. Thanks for the input! However, I didn’t go into the details because I didn’t want that to be the focus.

Really, he was attacked and has broken ribs with a grazing, non-intrusive GSW. So, he’s got some dyspnea due to the broken ribs and winds up with a hemo/pneumo later on secondary to additional trauma.

Anyway, this is what a lot of the dialogue looks like:

ROY
I was beaten and shot... By a -- by
a gang-banger... He was looking for
something... the headdress.
 
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no offense but the folks here taught me about avoiding expository dialogue, or "writing on the nose" don't do it.

information should be conveyed in dramatized exposition, in ACTION, show dont tell..

Its the "Here, would you like this cup of coffee darling" trap.

We can see the woman has a cup of coffee, we can see she wants to give it to him, and the character is feeling "darling" so whats to tell? Just action, she gives him the cup, he takes it with a knowing nod.
 
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TenDay said:
Good suggestions, Indie-Arms. Thanks for the input! However, I didn’t go into the details because I didn’t want that to be the focus.

Really, he was attacked and has broken ribs with a grazing, non-intrusive GSW. So, he’s got some dyspnea due to the broken ribs and winds up with a hemo/pneumo later on secondary to additional trauma.

Anyway, this is what a lot of the dialogue looks like:

ROY
I was beaten and shot... By a -- by
a gang-banger... He was looking for
something... the headdress.
Click to expand...

There's too much potency in the dialogue. Show, don't tell. We know he's been shot, we've seen it, and i would assume whomever it is he is speaking to would be somewhat aware of the predicament without the headsup.

However, it reads as you intended. But be aware of physically having your characters tell the story for you. Action and events tell the story, the characters just live it.
 
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Great advice. I think I need to revisit some of my dialogue. Now, assuming my action is adequate (which I’m sure is up for debate), should I then leave the ellipses and dashes, or just let the actor decide it as follows:

The door bangs open and Roy stumbles into the room. He falls against the wall, knocks a few figurines off a nearby bookshelf and slides to the floor.

He lies there crumpled up for a minute, gasps for a breath. Huffs and puffs. His lips have turned a steel blue.

Leo barely looks up from his plate of Ravioli.

LEO
What the hell happened?

ROY
A gang-banger came after me. I think he was lookin’ for the headdress.

Leo shovels in a big bite and changes the channel on the TV.

Roy struggles up to a chair next to him.

LEO
Damn. I knew that thing was trouble.

ROY
I don’t know who’s got it. What do we --

Leo drops his fork to his plate.

LEO
You let me handle that.
 
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