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Script Feedback

Hi, Folks!

It's good to be back! I see many of the usual suspects are still alive and kicking; great to see you guys again.

I'd appreciate feedback on the following script excerpt. It's the first 25 pages of a feature horror/fantasy genre piece. Anything you'd care to comment on would, of course, be welcome. But one thing in particular I'm interested in is whether I've tipped my hand for a big reveal that's due to occur late in Act 2. If no one can figure out what it is, well, that'd be sweet!

If there's any problems opening the file, let me know.

Muchos gracias, amigo
 
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Welcome back! I really enjoyed it. You have a marvelous ability to take the reader into the story without tons of detail. That being said, I think some of the detail could be peeled back. Is it important that we have "quarter moon"? If so, you might want to mention that the first time you mention the moon. I mention that because if I were doing the script breakdown, I'd prefer to know that up front. If not relevant, it could probably be ignored and left to the art director to decide.

Also, heroin has flu-like symptoms on withdrawal. With meth, I'd observe bad breath, rapid breathing often overly dry nose, enlarged pupils, often blush due to increased blood pressure, excitability, restlessness, paranoia, lip licking, talkative and weight loss (if this has been an ongoing habit). Often sweating is due to increased metabolism during the active phase. Once the drug wears off, the body temperature returns to normal with no undue sweating. Withdrawal is often characterized by exhaustion and depression. Meth's withdrawal is less pronounced than heroin or alcohol. It's the effect on the mood (depletion of serotonin and dopamine) which often drives the need to use. Jaundice occurs due to liver dysfunction which isn't normally impaired as with alcohol or hallucinogens. You might see enlarged pupils which most trained personnel would look for and results in sensitivity to light. As a substance abuse counselor, your depiction of the priest's physical responses suggested narcotics (heroin) or hallucinogens/MDMA (ecstacy) not amphetamines/stimulants (meth). If the priest had just taken a hit, he would be talkative, his pupils enlarged, restless, and alert though not focused. Its effects last 4-8 hrs but can last up to 12+ hrs depending on tolerance, dose, purity, etc. Take it as you wish.

There's also the tiny point of indenting and putting the parentheticals on their own line. That may be due to CeltX which isn't exactly cooperative in that regard. It's done inconsistently.

I think the story is great. As an actor, I think you create a good framework for believable characters with good beats and deliverable dialogue. You drop breadcrumbs that make me think I know where this may go but nothing that is blatantly obvious. Certainly no guesses I feel at liberty to share. ;) It's good and I don't want my nitpicky points to detract from how well written it is. I'm certainly hooked and would like to read more.
 
Thanks, FantasySciFi. I appreciate you taking the time to read it.

Your points are well-taken and I'll keep them in mind. I'm finishing up the first full draft and will post it here when I feel confident I won't be embarrassed by it for anyone with an interest.

Cheers!
 
Really enjoyed that, and disappointed that it had to end so abruptly. There is nothing that screams out about where the story is going, but I can see a lot of possible directions for it to take. I hope to read the whole thing one day (or see it!) :)
 
Richy, Cracker, thanks!

I think when you work with a storyline for a significant period of time, the beats and plot seem inevitable to you, even if they aren't to someone first exposed to it. That makes reveals and other suspense elements difficult to judge without help from neutral readers. So yeah, thanks guys!

-C
 
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