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One Sheet Help

I am brand new here (first post after my intro), and I'm hoping to find a few folks who may be willing to help me get my one sheet in order for my current screenplay. To start, I'm going to throw out two current drafts of the logline for feedback. I have some reservations, but I'll leave those for later in the discussion.

To prove to himself he is more than an idealist, a politically savvy labor union activist from New York takes up arms in the Spanish Civil War, only to find himself caught in the midst of military and political betrayals that prove an even greater threat than the fascists on the front.

Despite having no passport and never firing a gun, a labor union activist from New York City takes up arms in the Spanish Civil War, only to find himself caught in the midst of military and political betrayals that prove an even greater threat than the fascists on the front.​
 
Despite never firing a gun, a labor union activist takes up arms in the Spanish Civil War, and -...

How he solves his problem.

Thanks. I think it's important to know he's an American fighting in the Spanish Civil War, but that aside, you're making me think bigger picture. So you're suggesting the logline should say how the central problem is solved? I'm struggling with that a bit. I thought the logline was supposed to set-up the film and provide the hook, not reveal how it turns out. Thoughts?
 
Oh, man! Great logline. I'd make an offer on the spot! :D

Of course I spent a year researching the Spanish Civil War for my biopic on the Spanish poet, Federico Garcia Lorca.

Seriously, though, the second example strikes me as more appropriate. There's too much information in the first example. If he's a union activist who decides to travel to Spain to fight General Franco, he damn well has to be more than a politically savvy idealist.
 
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Agree about the American. With loglines, focus more on saying what the story is about than look for marketing tricks. When you've done it right and the story is correctly written the logline will be powerful, without any tricks.

What are the challenges that he has to solve in order to succeed in Spain? If he's there just because he's an idealist, he is there just to be part of the action. Then look at his inner journey. That might do the trick.
 
Oh, man! Great logline. I'd make an offer on the spot! :D

Of course I spent a year researching the Spanish Civil War for my biopic on the Spanish poet, Federico Garcia Lorca.

Seriously, though, the second example strikes me as more appropriate. There's too much information in the first example. If he's a union activist who decides to travel to Spain to fight General Franco, he damn well has to be more than a politically savvy idealist.

Oh, Man! I have a feeling your insight is going to invaluable! :)

Do you think I can lose the passport bit?

Despite never firing a gun, a labor union activist from New York City takes up arms in the Spanish Civil War, only to find himself caught in the midst of military and political betrayals that prove an even greater threat than the fascists on the front.​

I worry a little that this version doesn't give us "the goal," which is to become a man of action and prove to himself that he is willing to fight for that in which he believes. Of course the story turns on the notion trench warfare on the Argon Front proves less dangerous that the betrayals of the Stalinists at the rear.
 
Agree about the American. With loglines, focus more on saying what the story is about than look for marketing tricks. When you've done it right and the story is correctly written the logline will be powerful, without any tricks.

What are the challenges that he has to solve in order to succeed in Spain? If he's there just because he's an idealist, he is there just to be part of the action. Then look at his inner journey. That might do the trick.

Thanks agin, Filman. The inner journey is for the protagonist to become a man of action. The catalyst for his journey to Spain is a labor protest turned violent in New York City and his growing frustration that those in his political sphere (Socialists) in New York City are unwilling to do more than write articles and peacefully protest. When civil war breaks out in Spain, he immediately knows this is his chance to prove himself and join his peasant farmer and factory worker comrades in social revolution. The turn comes, however, in realizing that being a competent soldier on the front is relatively useless in the face of growing political betrayals within his own ranks.
 
Oh, Man! I have a feeling your insight is going to invaluable! :)

Do you think I can lose the passport bit?

Despite never firing a gun, a labor union activist from New York City takes up arms in the Spanish Civil War, only to find himself caught in the midst of military and political betrayals that prove an even greater threat than the fascists on the front.​

I worry a little that this version doesn't give us "the goal," which is to become a man of action and prove to himself that he is willing to fight for that in which he believes. Of course the story turns on the notion trench warfare on the Argon Front proves less dangerous that the betrayals of the Stalinists at the rear.

Yup, I do. I like this version immensely. There's a strong hook already intrinsically embedded, and I wouldn't depend on a logline to convey the gist of your character's arc.

Hope you have a scene where he meets up with Hemingway. How cool would that be!
 
Yup, I do. I like this version immensely. There's a strong hook already intrinsically embedded, and I wouldn't depend on a logline to convey the gist of your character's arc.

Hope you have a scene where he meets up with Hemingway. How cool would that be!

Well it's not a scene with Hemingway, but it may actually be one better. My protagonist saves George Orwell's life and comes to influence his politics in the trenches and during the May Day street fighting in Barcelona. That was actually the original logline--something along the lines of " During the Spanish Civil War, an idealistic American saves the life of George Orwell and influences his politics." In the final equation though, it strikes me that's an important part of the story, but it's not the story. Orwell's shooting is shown up front (page 3), but we don't see him again until page 30 (several months earlier), and Orwell has escaped the country a good 15-20 pages before the screenplay ends. Having said all that, am I foolish to not reveal the Orwell connection in the logline, since that really puts the screenplay in a broader context? I'm the co-writer on this script, and when I was approached about it, it was the Orwell hook and the fact the protagonist essentially provides Orwell with the seeds for Animal Farm that got me signed on.
 
Well it's not a scene with Hemingway, but it may actually be one better. My protagonist saves George Orwell's life and comes to influence his politics in the trenches and during the May Day street fighting in Barcelona. That was actually the original logline--something along the lines of " During the Spanish Civil War, an idealistic American saves the life of George Orwell and influences his politics." In the final equation though, it strikes me that's an important part of the story, but it's not the story. Orwell's shooting is shown up front (page 3), but we don't see him again until page 30 (several months earlier), and Orwell has escaped the country a good 15-20 pages before the screenplay ends. Having said all that, am I foolish to not reveal the Orwell connection in the logline, since that really puts the screenplay in a broader context? I'm the co-writer on this script, and when I was approached about it, it was the Orwell hook and the fact the protagonist essentially provides Orwell with the seeds for Animal Farm that got me signed on.

It depends on how much screen-time Orwell has, and how central he is to the story. It doesn't sound like it's quite enough to justify including him in your logline, in my opinion. If an Orwell fan comes to watch the film based on your logline, and he pops up only occasionally and briefly, you're going to have a problem.

Lorca knew a lot of famous people, and several make cameos. But two were central to his development as an artist and in his personal life. They inhabit a lot of pages. Hence, my logline: The true story of Spain's greatest poet, Federico Garcia Lorca, his friendship with artist Salvador Dali and filmmaker Luis Bunuel, and his capture and murder by General Franco's henchmen during the Spanish Civil War.
 
It depends on how much screen-time Orwell has, and how central he is to the story. It doesn't sound like it's quite enough to justify including him in your logline, in my opinion. If an Orwell fan comes to watch the film based on your logline, and he pops up only occasionally and briefly, you're going to have a problem.

Lorca knew a lot of famous people, and several make cameos. But two were central to his development as an artist and in his personal life. They inhabit a lot of pages. Hence, my logline: The true story of Spain's greatest poet, Federico Garcia Lorca, his friendship with artist Salvador Dali and filmmaker Luis Bunuel, and his capture and murder by General Franco's henchmen during the Spanish Civil War.

Love your logline! Thanks for sharing. From page 30 to somewhere around 75, Orwell is on almost every page, and it is truly these two men's interconnected stories that initially drew me to the project. Homage to Catalonia was my primary resource on much of the militia's day-to-day. In reality, however, Orwell benefits more from the relationship than my protagonist, who is still imprisoned by the Stalinists when Orwell gets out of Dodge.
 
Love your logline! Thanks for sharing. From page 30 to somewhere around 75, Orwell is on almost every page, and it is truly these two men's interconnected stories that initially drew me to the project. Homage to Catalonia was my primary resource on much of the militia's day-to-day. In reality, however, Orwell benefits more from the relationship than my protagonist, who is still imprisoned by the Stalinists when Orwell gets out of Dodge.

Hmmmm... Well , it's a judgment call then. Is this a spec script, or are writing on a contract? If you're trying to sell it, I'd err on the side of using whatever I had to increase interest and marketability. Period war stories are notoriously expensive to make. Heh.

If you'd like another set of eyes on it, I'd be more than happy to read it and give you some feedback.
 
Hmmmm... Well , it's a judgment call then. Is this a spec script, or are writing on a contract? If you're trying to sell it, I'd err on the side of using whatever I had to increase interest and marketability. Period war stories are notoriously expensive to make. Heh.

If you'd like another set of eyes on it, I'd be more than happy to read it and give you some feedback.

Thanks again. I'm in the middle of another polish before sending it off to the agent, but I'll get you a draft as well if you PM me an email address. Thanks for the offer. So you're saying from a sales perspective you think putting Orwell in the logline may be prudent? That was my initial feeling, but I've come to think there may be a larger audience for a war film than one that pushes its literary affiliations. Heck, I've gone back and forth on this so many times, I'm not sure where I stand...lol. One explicit question for you is should I indicate in the logline (as you did) that this is based on a true story?
 
1. Orwell is a plus.
2. "Based on a true story" is a plus.

I'd include both. When deciding if they want to purchase it, the money boys will be balancing marketability against VERY HIGH production costs for this project.

A war story AND one with a famous literary figure gives you the war crowd, history buffs, art-house crowd, and literary connoisseurs. Butts in seats, lots of them, is what you'll need for this one.

Send it on. m.charles60 (at) att.net

Cheers!

-Charles
 
1. Orwell is a plus.
2. "Based on a true story" is a plus.

I'd include both. When deciding if they want to purchase it, the money boys will be balancing marketability against VERY HIGH production costs for this project.

A war story AND one with a famous literary figure gives you the war crowd, history buffs, art-house crowd, and literary connoisseurs. Butts in seats, lots of them, is what you'll need for this one.

Send it on. m.charles60 (at) att.net

Cheers!

-Charles

Got it. Thanks again. So I'm probably looking at a two sentence logline, eh? ;)
 
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