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How to write a montage and series of shots efficiently in this example

M

mmkp1990

Hello,

Okay so I want to start my short script with various montages and series of shots. In my head seems easy, on paper... errr, probably not for me.

This is what I am trying to do, explained in bullet point form and then below that is how I have structured it in my screenplay. The issue is the amount of pages it is taking, meaning I don't think I am being efficient enough. I mean it took me two and a half pages to write something that probably lasts a minute (if that). I also have another few years in the story to montage before heading to current time.

What I am trying to achieve:

- 2010 - Emma walks into speed dating location 1. She is greeted.

- Speed dating location 2 - Emma writes name on name tag and tags it.

- Speed Dating location 3 - Emma is seated as Robert approaches and sits down.

- Robert greets, location 2 Chris greets, location 1 James greets. (These characters are minor characters so in the script I haven't really given them a description)

- Robert introduces, location 2 Chris introduce, location 1 James introduce.

- Location 3 Robert lists what he likes, location 2 Chris talks about himself, back to location 3 for Robert's listing, location 1 James talks about himself, back to location three with Robert's continuing listing.

- CLOSE UP of sheet (It is a spec screenplay so I am not sure if it is allowed to show a close up just this once). Emma ticks the names of three guys.

- Emma is told individually on each location she has not been selected by anyone.

- Then we go 2011 (less montage scenes then 2010)


So above is what I am trying to achieve, below is what I have tried but the issue is the length it takes, is there a better way or is this the best I can do:

FADE IN:

MONTAGE OF VARIOUS SPEED DATING LOCATIONS:


A) YEAR - 2010:

INT. LOCATION 1 – NIGHT

EMMA (early 20s) dark hair, slender female enters the building. Female EMPLOYEE 1 (early 20s) greets her.

EMPLOYEE 1
Good evening. Are you here for the speed dating service?

EMMA
Yes.

INT. LOCATION 2 – NIGHT

Emma takes a nametag and writes her name before tagging it on her blouse.

INT. LOCATION 3 – NIGHT

Emma sits by a table. ROBERT (20s) approaches and takes a seat.

ROBERT
Hello.

INT. LOCATION 2 – NIGHT

CHRIS (30s) is seated.

CHRIS
Hello.

INT. LOCATION 1 – NIGHT

JAMES (20’s) is seated.

JAMES
Hello.

INT. LOCATION 3 – NIGHT

ROBERT
Name’s Robert.

INT. LOCATION 2 – NIGHT


CHRIS
Chris.

INT. LOCATION 1 – NIGHT

JAMES
James.


INT. LOCATION 3 – NIGHT

ROBERT
I’m into many things really. Sports, cars…


INT. LOCATION 2 – NIGHT

CHRIS
I just like to have a fun time. We’re not getting any younger so may as well enjoy ourselves whilst we still can.

INT. LOCATION 3 – NIGHT

ROBERT
Books, films, music…

INT. LOCATION 1 – NIGHT

JAMES
To be honest I’m a sensible type of guy. Not into things like drinking and going out that much. Prefer to stay at home and relax.

INT. LOCATION 3 – NIGHT

ROBERT
Cooking, cleaning, making love…

SERIES OF SHOTS (CLOSE UP OF SHEET):

- Emma ticks a box beside Robert’s name.

- Emma ticks box beside Chris’ name.

- Emma ticks box beside James’ name.

END SERIES OF SHOTS

INT. LOCATION 3 – NIGHT
Emma stands face to face with female EMPLOYEE 3, who views her clipboard.

EMPLOYEE 3
I’m sorry, no one has shown any interest.

INT. LOCATION 2 – NIGHT

Male EMPLOYEE 2 views his clipboard.

EMPLOYEE 2
Nope… no one.

INT. LOCATION 1 – NIGHT

EMPLOYEE 1 views her clipboard.

EMPLOYEE 1
I’m truly sorry but there aren't any matches.

EMMA
That’s a shame.

B) YEAR - 2011:

INT. LOCATION 1 – NIGHT

…
Click to expand...

Thank you very much for your patience.
 
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Just use loglines. It's not correct to have any dialogue in a Montage. Technically, you're not supposed to have any in a Series of Shots sequence, but I've seen that done in a couple scripts. I do have to say that your script is confusing to read. By Location 1, 2 and 3 are they in the same building? It sounds like that's not the case at the end with the different employees. So they're not even the same time.

While it's an artistic call, the shifting is confusing since you're jumping not only across locations but time. As a director/producer, I would likely ignore your script and lump them into one location. So we'd see all of Chris, James and Robert segments. Splitting them doesn't make sense visually and doesn't seem relevant to the story. It interrupts the flow. Is there a reason the speed dating is not all in the same place? My understanding is that the girls are seated and the guys revolve through. Setting a camera on her as she's seated then medium shots of the guys which flip backs to her reactions would be easier to shoot. That's how it would be filmed in either case.

If you want to have different locations, that's fine but do it sequentially to avoid flipping back and forth through time. Remember the costumes and locations will be shifting as well. Very disconcerting.

Below is how I would visualize it in one place. It's not identical to yours and I'm not suggesting you should abandon your idea. Renting one location is cheaper than three. Having one wardrobe is easier than three. Five speaking actors is cheaper than seven. Non-speaking extras are inexpensive.
Code: 
INT.  GIANCARLO'S ITALIAN RESTAURANT - NIGHT

A fancy restaurant with a placard that describes the "New 
Rochelle Speed Dating Event".  Men and women in club and
formal wear meander and cluster around a booth where a
FEMALE EMPLOYEE checks a list and hands out name tags.

EMMA (early 20s) with dark hair and slender features enters,
pauses, straightens herself and presses forward.

BOOTH:

                         FEMALE EMPLOYEE
             Your name?

                         EMMA
             Emma Dahlberg.

Emma glances about as the employee checks her list, marks 
off the her name and hands her a tag.

                         EMMA
             There's a lot of men here tonight.

                         FEMALE EMPLOYEE
             More men than women tonight.
                     (beat)
             You're number 38.

Emma nods and moves into the room.  She spots a small
table in the center and settles there.

She writes her name on a tag along with 38 and sets it by
the candle.  She glances about as the other ladies take 
their seats.

She glances back nervously at the men pace in the 
background like bees anxious to pollinate the flowers.

BELL RINGS.  The men swoop in.

EMMA'S TABLE:

CHRIS (30s), a bit pudgy but nice looking, plops down.

                           CHRIS
        Hey Emma.  I'm Chris!  As if you
        couldn't tell, right.

Gives a boyish grin and points to his badge.

                            CHRIS
         We’re not getting any younger so may 
         as well enjoy ourselves whilst we still 
         can. I mean, that biological clock keeps
         ticking, right? ...

Emma's face freezes as he continues to talk.

BELL RINGS.

Emma's pencil hesitates then scribbles in his name.

She looks up as a tall, dark, athletic stud slides into the seat
beside her.  She looks up to see ROBERT (20s).

                             ROBERT
         I’m a man of many interest. Sports, cars…

he reaches out and takes her hand.

                             ROBERT
          Books, films, music, cooking, art,

draws her hand to him.

                            ROBERT
          making love in the moonlight.

BELL RINGS.  He smiles and drifts off.

Emma hastily scribbles "ROBERT" with stars.

She looks up as an obese dude sits across from her.  

Her smile is frozen.  

BELL RINGS.

A tall, beanpole dude sits across from her.

Her neck cranes up with short nods and a forced smile.

BELL RINGS.

JAMES (mid 20s) sits across from her self-conscious.

                          JAMES
         I'm sorry I'm not very good at 
         this stuff.  I'm, uh, -

                          EMMA
         James.  

She smiles and taps her tag on her breast.  He stares 
then realization breaks across his face.

                         JAMES
         Not into drinking and going out that
         much. Prefer to stay at home and-

                         EMMA
         make love?

                         JAMES
         er, uh, relax with my cat.

BELL RINGS

Emma writes down James.  She looks up to see

a guy with nose ring and spiked hair across from her.  He
gives a nod of his head and toothy smile.

Emma has a terrified look.

BELL RINGS.

BOOTH (LATER):

Emma hands her list to the female employee.  She checks
it over, twice.

                   FEMALE EMPLOYEE
      I'm sorry.  No matches.   

                   EMMA
      Are you sure?  No one?

                   FEMALE EMPLOYEE
      I'm truly sorry.

Emma glances over to see Robert and Chris arm in arm
with women all over them.  

                      EMMA
       Uh, what about James, number 23?

The female employee looks over the list and flips the lists.

                      FEMALE EMPLOYEE
        He doesn't seem to have turned in
        a form. 

Emma sighs and drags herself to the door.
Multiple locations are a pain for producers. It would be easier to use one location and shift time instead. By changing the decor and costumes, you can suggest the change in time if that's important to the plot.
Code: 
INT.  GIANCARLO'S ITALIAN RESTAURANT (SPRING) - NIGHT

A fancy restaurant with a placard that describes the "New 
Rochelle Spring Speed Dating Event".  Men and women in club and
formal wear meander and cluster around a booth where a
FEMALE EMPLOYEE checks a list and hands out name tags.

EMMA (early 20s) with dark hair and slender features enters,
pauses, straightens herself and presses forward.

BOOTH:

                         FEMALE EMPLOYEE
             Your name?

                         EMMA
             Emma Dahlberg.

Emma glances about as the employee checks her list, marks 
off the her name and hands her a tag.

                         EMMA
             There's a lot of men here tonight.

                         FEMALE EMPLOYEE
             More men than women tonight.
                     (beat)
             You're number 38.

Emma nods and moves into the room.  She spots a small
table in the center and settles there.

She writes her name on a tag along with 38 and sets it by
the candle.  She glances about as the other ladies take 
their seats.

She glances back nervously at the men pace in the 
background like bees anxious to pollinate the flowers.

BELL RINGS.  The men swoop in.

EMMA'S TABLE:

CHRIS (30s), a bit pudgy but nice looking, plops down.

                           CHRIS
        Hey Emma.  I'm Chris!  As if you
        couldn't tell, right.

Gives a boyish grin and points to his badge.

                            CHRIS
         We’re not getting any younger so may 
         as well enjoy ourselves whilst we still 
         can. I mean, that biological clock keeps
         ticking, right? ...

Emma's face freezes as he continues to talk.

BELL RINGS.

Emma's pencil hesitates then scribbles in his name.

She looks up as an obese dude sits across from her.  

Her smile is frozen.  

BELL RINGS.

BOOTH:

She stands alone and the employee shakes her head.


INT.  GIANCARLO'S ITALIAN RESTAURANT (SUMMER) - NIGHT

Men and women stand about in Hawaiian shirts and Bermuda
shorts.  A placard reads:  "New Rochelle Beach Party Speed
Dating Event".

EMMA'S TABLE:

She looks up as a tall, dark, athletic stud slides into the seat
beside her.  She looks up to see ROBERT (20s).

                             ROBERT
         I’m a man of many interest. Sports, cars…

he reaches out and takes her hand.

                             ROBERT
          Books, films, music, cooking, art,

draws her hand to him.

                            ROBERT
          making love in the moonlight.

BELL RINGS.  He smiles and drifts off.

Emma hastily scribbles "ROBERT" with stars.

A tall, beanpole dude sits across from her.

Her neck cranes up with short nods and a forced smile.

BELL RINGS.

BOOTH:

She stands alone and the employee shakes her head 
as Robert walks out with two bikini-clad babes.


INT.  GIANCARLO'S ITALIAN RESTAURANT (FALL) - NIGHT

Men and women mingle in Halloween costumes.  The
placard reads:  "New Rochelle Halloween Speed Dating".

EMMA'S TABLE:

JAMES (mid 20s), a handsome guy in a pirate costume 
with a parrot on his shoulder sits across from her.  

                          JAMES
         I'm sorry I'm not very good at 
         this stuff.  I'm, uh, -

                          EMMA
         James.  

Emma, dressed as Wonder Woman, smiles and taps her tag on
her breast.  He stares then realization breaks across his face.

                         JAMES
         Not into drinking and going out that
         much. Prefer to stay at home and-

                         EMMA
         make love?

James swallows.

                         JAMES
         er, uh, relax with my cat.

BELL RINGS

Emma writes down James.  She looks up to see

a guy with nose ring and spiked hair across from her.  He
gives a nod of his head and toothy smile.

Emma has a terrified look.

BELL RINGS.

BOOTH:

Emma hands her list to the female employee dressed as a
vampire.  She checks it over, twice.

                   FEMALE EMPLOYEE
      I'm sorry.  No matches.   

                   EMMA
      No one?  What about James, 
      number 23?

The female employee looks over the list and flips the lists.

                      FEMALE EMPLOYEE
        He doesn't seem to have turned in
        a form. 

Wonder Woman sighs and drags herself to the door.
 
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@FantasySciFi - Same as always, fantastic, detailed advice. Thank you again for your help and time. Much appreciated :) Anybody reading this, if FantasySciFi helps you with any issues you have, you're very fortunate.
 
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