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Need critique on my short script

I

Inarius

This is a revised script of a previous version. I need critique, mostly regarding characters, dialogue, and suggestions regarding the story.

It's about a soldier delivering a coffin with a fallen army officer, who finds out that instead of a dead body, the coffin contains a suitcase with Heroin, a loaded gun, and a note which says ''Get rid of the courier''

Courier Draft 4
 
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The part about Avi being Ilana's son feels very out of place and contrived. I think this would work just as well without bringing that into it. If you want, you could have Avi shoot Ilana since no one is paying attention to his actions. Then Shahar takes the gun and the blame for shooting her. It would cut a chunk out of the script and make it feel more believable. That Natali just happens to rescue a boy (Avi) right after they divorce who just happens to be the son of the police officer (Ilana) who arrested her ex (Shahar) and who just happens to be Avi's abusive mom.

First if he's 8, then he'd have been a crying newborn abandoned in a cellar. He'd probably have no recollection. Maybe if he were 3 or 4, that would be a recollection. However, since they were still together, 3 years earlier, Avi would know his own son.

All those "just happens" totals up to to a lot of disbelief. Honestly, keep it simple. Other than that, I think it's pretty solid.
 
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FantasySciFi said:
The part about Avi being Ilana's son feels very out of place and contrived. I think this would work just as well without bringing that into it. If you want, you could have Avi shoot Ilana since no one is paying attention to his actions. Then Shahar takes the gun and the blame for shooting her. It would cut a chunk out of the script and make it feel more believable. That Natali just happens to rescue a boy (Avi) right after they divorce who just happens to be the son of the police officer (Ilana) who arrested her ex (Shahar) and who just happens to be Avi's abusive mom.

First if he's 8, then he'd have been a crying newborn abandoned in a cellar. He'd probably have no recollection. Maybe if he were 3 or 4, that would be a recollection. However, since they were still together, 3 years earlier, Avi would know his own son.

All those "just happens" totals up to to a lot of disbelief. Honestly, keep it simple. Other than that, I think it's pretty solid.
Click to expand...

If I make Avi NOT Ilana's son, but Shahar's and Natali's, there is something I'm afraid of:
1) - If Avi is NOT mortally sick, why would Shahar help Natali and Avi escape? He can let Natali get arrested and raise Avi himself.
2) - If Avi IS mortally sick, isn't it obvious that Shahar would help his son, and not Ilana?
 
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I decided to rewrite the script this way:

1) - Natali won't be Shahar's ex-wife, but an ex-girlfried.

2) - Ilana and Shahar have any connection to Avi. Avi is Natali's son

3) - Shahar has to choose, whether to gain freedom but help Natali get arrested and let Avi die,
or help Natali psy for Avi's surgery, but go to jail.

My only problem is that Shahar gets busted by coincidence. He is a selfish person, and I want to make his selfishness be the reason that he gets busted with drugs. In other words, the whole story wouldn't happen to him, if he wasn't selfish. 3 days I'm trying to find a solution for this. Usually, selfishness is what makes people stay out of trouble, not gets them into trouble. I will gladly accept ideas, possibilities or something, because most of solutions are too unbelievable or too expensive (extra actors, locations and etc)
 
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WalterB said:
Addicts are selfish in a way that gets them into trouble :P
(Could be too much to make him addicted, though)
Click to expand...

The character has a criminal past and has even been jailed. It won't sit well if he would be addict.

What I need is a situation of less than 1.5 minutes, that could have him get a suitcase/bag with drugs and get arrested, and that it couldn't happen to him if he wasn't a selfish person.
 
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Hey,
I wrote another draft and changed the title to "Price of Freedom", because "Courier" isn't relevant anymore.

Premise:
A janitor with a criminal past, framed and arrested for drug smuggling, confronts a choice, whether to earn freedom by letting his ex-girlfriend, who framed him, get arrested, or return to the criminal path to earn money for a surgery to save her son.

Price of Freedom
 
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