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Would Someone Be Willing to do a quick read of a Teaser?

I'd be really appreciative if anyone's willing to take a look at a short, 4-page opening teaser to a pilot for a series.

Any feedback would be welcome, but I'd be especially interested to know if it does its job, i.e., teases enough for interest in watching what follows?

Muchos gracias!

Code:
                                 [u]TEASER[/u]

                                                               FADE IN:



               EXT. MOUNTAIN PEAK, SOUTHERN NEW MEXICO - DAY

               HAND-HELD CAM POV: DV quality, but obviously not a pro.

               In profile, and watching something in the distance intently:
               GABRIELA (Gabby) SANTIAGO (18). Long black hair, dark
               complected, striking green eyes.

               The camera slowly rotates toward a standard close-up.

               Gabby notices, turns fully toward the camera and sticks her
               tongue out.

               Behind the camera, Gabby's friend, ZOE LOPEZ (19).

                                   ZOE (O.S.)
                         So, how did it feel?

               Zoe backs up so we get a medium shot.  Gabby's in jeans and t
               shirt.  She sits cross-legged facing the lip of a cliff.

                                   GABBY
                         What?

                                   ZOE (O.S.)
                         You know.

                                   GABBY
                         No?

                                   ZOE (O.S.)
                             (sarcastic)
                         Your first big "O."

                                   GABBY
                         Ah, that. Well -- you know how when
                         you take a hammer...

                                   ZOE (O.S.)
                             (interested now)
                         Yeah?

                                   GABBY
                         ...and you lift it up like this
                         (motions)...

                                   ZOE (O.S.)
                         A little hammer?

                                   GABBY
                             (sultry and slow)
                         A big -- nail-pounding -- HAMMER.
                         With a dark steel head, smooth --
                         long -- polished wooden handle.
                         Heavy and dangerous in your hand.

                                   ZOE (O.S.)
                         Ummmhmmm...

                                   GABBY
                             (quick and matter of fact)
                         And you take that hammer and smash
                         the living hell out of your toe and
                         keep on smashing it.  It felt like
                         when you stop doing that. 

               BEAT

               Zoe turns the camera to her face. She's blonde, short spiked
               hair, tats, lip rings.

                                   ZOE
                             (to the camera)
                         You see the fucking crap I put up
                         with?

               Camera back to Gabby, who's staring off into the distance
               again.

                                   ZOE (O.S.) (CONT'D)
                         Seriously now. 

                                   GABBY
                         What do you want me to tell you?
                         You want to know how it felt -- to
                         die.

                                   ZOE (O.S.)
                         Well, yeah. To bite the big one. 

                                   GABBY
                         To bless the world with your
                         heels...

                                   ZOE (O.S.)
                         To kick the breathing habit...

                                   GABBY
                         Living-impaired...

                                   ZOE (O.S.)
                         Definitely done dancing...

               Both laugh.

               Gabby rests her chin in both hands and stares into the
               camera.

                                   GABBY
                         It felt like a bubble.

                                   ZOE (O.S.)
                         Like you were in a bubble?

                                   GABBY
                         No. Like I -- was a bubble.

               QUICK FLASHBACK: Gabby RUNS desperately through a field of
               sunflowers, sun setting in the distance. She's winded and
               terrified. RETURN TO GABBY

                                   GABBY (CONT'D)
                         Like I was air, and there was
                         almost no boundary between me and
                         the world. 

               QUICK FLASHBACK: Far behind Gabby as she runs, a flash of
               light, then the SOUND OF A RIFLE SHOT arrives with the bullet
               that passes through her back and out her chest. RETURN TO
               GABBY

                                   GABBY (CONT'D)
                         And the slightest -- TOUCH -- would
                         dissolve me, and the world, into
                         nothingness.

               Her eyes tear up.

               FINAL FLASHBACK: CLOSE-UP of Gabby's face on the ground among
               the sunflowers. The same tears in her eyes. RETURN TO GABBY.

               From behind the camera, Zoe reaches her hand out and gently
               wipes a tear away from Gabby's face, caresses her cheek.

               Gabby suddenly turns her back to Zoe. She faces the view from
               her perch on the edge of the mountain cliff.

               Zoe stands and turns. She walks with the camera to a backpack
               near a trail head. She takes a bottle of water from the
               backpack and drinks from it. She replaces it.

               Zoe (and the camera) turn back to Gabby, who's approximately
               thirty feet from Zoe.

               GABBY'S still in her sitting, cross-legged position, her back
               to the camera.

               But now SHE FLOATS TWO FEET OFF THE GROUND.

               A garbled SCREAM from Zoe.  She DROPS the camera.

               CLUNK! 

               After the camera settles: Close-up of a scorpion.

                                                              FADE OUT.
 
If this is suppose to be a screenplay, you don't put what the camera is doing or position of the characters in front of the camera. Leave that to the imagination of the director or cinematographer or the writer consults with them.
 
Considering that this first scene is from the camera's perspective I'd
say camera moves and shots are essential. I have one question: if
this is a POV from a camera and Zoe is (O.S.) how are we seeing
behind the camera? I suspect this is just clumsy writing. Perhaps
you could come up with a more clear, creative way to write that part.

It does the job. I would continue reading.
 
Hi, Quality

Yes, you're absolutely right, and I accept the rebuke. Under normal circumstances, that would be the case. But the director here isn't deciding where the camera should be, a character in the script is.

So, leaving aside your entirely appropriate objection, would the teaser itself suffice to tease?
 
Considering that this first scene is from the camera's perspective I'd
say camera moves and shots are essential. I have one question: if
this is a POV from a camera and Zoe is (O.S.) how are we seeing
behind the camera? I suspect this is just clumsy writing. Perhaps
you could come up with a more clear, creative way to write that part.

It does the job. I would continue reading.

Thanks, D

Yeah, I need to figure out how to be precise. It's basically "found footage" through the whole teaser (with the exception of the flashbacks) that then will switch to standard footage in the beginning of Act One (and the real director can have his camera back). It's confusing.
 
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A little later in the script Zoe turns the camera to show her face. That's
where you could introduce her rather then use "Behind the camera...".
 
Thanks, Krios.

If anyone's interested, here's a temporary link to the full 60 page pilot teleplay that the above Teaser is from. Comments would be nice, but not required. A simple "sucks" or "doesn't suck so much" would be fine. I'll leave it up for a few days.

*URL edited out.*
 
Last edited:
Adeimantus,

According to Syd Field in his great book, Screenplay, a script gotta grab the audience in the first 10 pages.
To test his theory, I stopped at page 16. So far you have introduced most of the characters, set them all in motion and gave us a sneak peak at Gabby's powers.

I'll be looking forward to a good weekend read.

It would be nice to see the storyboards for this.

Thanks for sharing.
 
Adeimantus,

According to Syd Field in his great book, Screenplay, a script gotta grab the audience in the first 10 pages.
To test his theory, I stopped at page 16. So far you have introduced most of the characters, set them all in motion and gave us a sneak peak at Gabby's powers.

I'll be looking forward to a good weekend read.

It would be nice to see the storyboards for this.

Thanks for sharing.

Hey, Krios

Well, if Syd Field approves, I'm happy.

Cheers!
 
Adeimantus, your script is bad-ass! Reads real smooth, and is very descriptive.
By the end of the script, Lagrimas De Angeles felt like a place I've visited a long time ago.
Would love to see this story continue.

If you don't mind a bit of technicality, how did you decide your act breaks?
And if it's not a secret, would it be possible to check out the outline for this script?

Thank you for sharing!
 
Adeimantus, your script is bad-ass! Reads real smooth, and is very descriptive.
By the end of the script, Lagrimas De Angeles felt like a place I've visited a long time ago.
Would love to see this story continue.

If you don't mind a bit of technicality, how did you decide your act breaks?
And if it's not a secret, would it be possible to check out the outline for this script?

Thank you for sharing!

Yo, Krios!

Thanks for the kind words.

I'd prefer to keep the outline private, sorry. Four Acts for a one-hour teleplay is pretty standard, although it varies. Unlike a feature, the acts are generally set up for commercial breaks with the exception of episodes on premium cable like HBO, STARZ, etc. which, of course, don't have commercial breaks. There's plenty of online (and book) resources explaining, in general terms, how to structure acts for a teleplay.

For a three-act, standard feature script, here's how I usually look at it: The First Act is the setup, the Second Act is the hard work, and the Third Act is the payoff and fun time.

Example: Your buddy comes over and you crack a few beers and he decides to go for a swim in your pool. He gets killed by an alligator that you didn't know was there because you never clean the damn thing. That's Act One. Act Two is the hard work. You've gotta bury your buddy, drain the frickin' pool, kill the damn alligator and haul it out, then refill the pool. In Act Three, you can enjoy yourself with your now clean pool that's alligator free!

Take care and thanks again!
 
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