• Wondering which camera, gear, computer, or software to buy? Ask in our Gear Guide.

Pitching a web series to this production company...

F

Firm1

Hey everyone. I'm pitching this idea for a 14 episode web series to a friend of a friend who has some pretty big connections to the independent film scene. I wrote a logline and synopsis, but was given pretty negative feedback, so I went back to the drawing board and came up with this logline:

"Scientists discover a large portal expanding deep in space. In six weeks it will reach Earth and no one knows what will happen. Follow a doctor, a thief, a troubled teen, and a sadist as they try to survive a global panic and learn about the true nature of this strange phenomenon."

Here's the original:

"An apocalyptic portal has everyone on the fringe of insanity as the World struggles to cope with the end of the Universe. And In the middle of all this chaos are four characters whose fates are inextricably linked to each other and this strange phenomenon."

Which one sounds better to you and how can I improve it?

Thanks in advance for the feedback!
 
Sort by date Sort by votes
Sorry for the double post! I forgot to add the synopsis too:

"One day, scientists discover a large portal deep in space. No one has any idea what it is but its expanding fast and consuming everything in its path. In 6 weeks it will reach Earth. Panic erupts causing social disorder in every crevice and corner of the World.
And in the middle of this twisted turn of events are four characters whose fates are strangely linked to one another: A doctor at a prison, a thief, the daughter of a cult leader, and a sadist. Watch as each of them goes through a six week journey into the dark heart of humanity only to learn about the true meaning of human nature and what reality is."


The biggest issue that I'm having with the pitch is that I want to intrigue them, but not give away the ending. The thing about this story is that it starts off pretty simple and unravels into this huge, "larger-than-life" ending that causes you to look back as the whole series and go "Ooh wow, that has a completely different meaning than what I thought it had."

For some reason I feel like the pitch is superficial and boring.
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
For some reason I feel like the pitch is superficial and boring.
Click to expand...

You are spot on with your feeling. It is.

What you're missing is a reason for the audience to watch. What makes the audience want to watch. What makes them want to care.

I'll give you a tip, a logline never gives away the ending. What they do is help your potential audience realize that this movie is for them. Whether it's high concept enough. Whether the main character (which I'm not sure you have) is someone who you'll want to spend 2 hours with, on this journey.

It also kind of looks like you're trying to build a log line based on a written script. It also seems like your script has two polar opposites within it. An apocalyptic story, which tend to be plot driven and an inner meaning story (which more often, but not always) are character driven. If you write a log line that tricks your audience to read (or watch) you may end up with problems.

In my opinion, the second logline is more appealing, though needs to be more succinct.
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
Sweetie said:
You are spot on with your feeling. It is.

What you're missing is a reason for the audience to watch. What makes the audience want to watch. What makes them want to care.
Click to expand...

To piggy back on what Sweetie said, I think knowing more about the main character(s) like the scientist, the thief, and a bit of their persona in the pitch would also intrigue your friend who you're pitching this too. It gives more of a human aspect and probably something to relate to. Likewise some of the conflicts these characters will be facing. Right now I think it's very general, but a good idea none the less.
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
Firm1 said:
The biggest issue that I'm having with the pitch is that I want to intrigue them, but not give away the ending.
Click to expand...
This is your biggest mistake.

These people are not the audience for the show - people you need to
watch each and every episode to get to the "larger-than-life" ending.
These people are the people who will either produce the show or not
produce the show. They will need to know the ending in order to make
an informed decision.

If I were a producer and heard this pitch I would say, "Nothing new
here but has potential. Very expensive but these kinds of disaster
series do well. I'll pass." However if I knew the "larger-than-life" ending
would really wow the audience I would seriously consider it.

Tell them you ending in the pitch. Hook them, drag them a little and
then hit them with your amazing ending.
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
Sweetie said:
You are spot on with your feeling. It is.



It also kind of looks like you're trying to build a log line based on a written script. It also seems like your script has two polar opposites within it. An apocalyptic story, which tend to be plot driven and an inner meaning story (which more often, but not always) are character driven. If you write a log line that tricks your audience to read (or watch) you may end up with problems.
Click to expand...

I'm sorry. I'm a little confused by what you're warning me about?
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
Trackrabbit21 said:
To piggy back on what Sweetie said, I think knowing more about the main character(s) like the scientist, the thief, and a bit of their persona in the pitch would also intrigue your friend who you're pitching this too. It gives more of a human aspect and probably something to relate to. Likewise some of the conflicts these characters will be facing. Right now I think it's very general, but a good idea none the less.
Click to expand...

Thanks. I have about a years worth of notes, including character bios. I'm just so new at this, so I'm finding it difficult to re-conciliate between giving too much and too little. Do you think it would be a good idea to include 2 to 3 sentence character bios, including what sort of conflicts they'll be facing? It's sort of like Pulp Fiction, only more dramatic and not funny and the setting is this epic apocalyptic situation.
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
directorik said:
This is your biggest mistake.

These people are not the audience for the show - people you need to
watch each and every episode to get to the "larger-than-life" ending.
These people are the people who will either produce the show or not
produce the show. They will need to know the ending in order to make
an informed decision.

If I were a producer and heard this pitch I would say, "Nothing new
here but has potential. Very expensive but these kinds of disaster
series do well. I'll pass." However if I knew the "larger-than-life" ending
would really wow the audience I would seriously consider it.

Tell them you ending in the pitch. Hook them, drag them a little and
then hit them with your amazing ending.
Click to expand...

I thought about doing this, but the problem is, I don't know this guy that well and he's still considered "Up and Coming". So I'm a little hesitant to tell him the twist. How do you go about trusting others in the business with your ideas and is there some sort of legal course you would have to take to ensure your ideas are protected? Sorry if this is a dumb question.
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
Firm1 said:
I thought about doing this, but the problem is, I don't know this guy that well and he's still considered "Up and Coming". So I'm a little hesitant to tell him the twist. How do you go about trusting others in the business with your ideas and is there some sort of legal course you would have to take to ensure your ideas are protected? Sorry if this is a dumb question.
Click to expand...

Communicate in writing. Email is great. Create a folder of emails strictly for your correspondence pertaining to this project. Your script is copyrighted from the moment you write it down so you need to keep a paper trail showing that it was in fact you who wrote it and not Joe the Jerkoff if it ever came to that.
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
The reality is that nobody can protect their ideas. I don't agree that you should share your twist until there is a commitment to the project. You should have at least six episodes and a series bible before you move forward. I would recommend that you have thirteen for a full first season. It helps to outline what major events would happen each season. A producer needs to have a sense of the scope in terms of cast and budget. I would describe what the cliffhanger is that launches into the second season. A cliffhanger is different from the whole meaning behind the show. It's hard to imagine selling an executive on a show, "People crash on a mysterious deserted island and encounter strange events as they discover their lives are intertwined." ("Lost")
Oh, and btw they're all dead.

I would definitely recommend that you copyright (or at least register with the WGA) your pilot before sending it out. If the concept and pilot doesn't grab them, then the twist probably won't seal the deal. Unfortunately, television has become dominated with reality programming largely because it's cheap to make and easy to sell to networks.

Big network projects are usually done from within and not purchased from without. "Star Trek" was not Roddenberry's first foray into television. He worked as a writer on a couple of television scripts before working as showrunner and producer for "The Lieutenant". Even with "Star Trek" it was a challenge. The age of creative television, though is fast dwindling. With the success of independent cable networks, there is some interest there. Sometimes a webseries becomes popular enough to get picked up as local television series, as with "The Guild".

If you can get your friend's friend interested enough to shoot the pilot, it may be possible to market it around. Good luck!
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
FantasySciFi said:
The reality is that nobody can protect their ideas. I don't agree that you should share your twist until there is a commitment to the project. You should have at least six episodes and a series bible before you move forward. I would recommend that you have thirteen for a full first season. It helps to outline what major events would happen each season. A producer needs to have a sense of the scope in terms of cast and budget. I would describe what the cliffhanger is that launches into the second season. A cliffhanger is different from the whole meaning behind the show. It's hard to imagine selling an executive on a show, "People crash on a mysterious deserted island and encounter strange events as they discover their lives are intertwined." ("Lost")
Oh, and btw they're all dead.

I would definitely recommend that you copyright (or at least register with the WGA) your pilot before sending it out. If the concept and pilot doesn't grab them, then the twist probably won't seal the deal. Unfortunately, television has become dominated with reality programming largely because it's cheap to make and easy to sell to networks.

Big network projects are usually done from within and not purchased from without. "Star Trek" was not Roddenberry's first foray into television. He worked as a writer on a couple of television scripts before working as showrunner and producer for "The Lieutenant". Even with "Star Trek" it was a challenge. The age of creative television, though is fast dwindling. With the success of independent cable networks, there is some interest there. Sometimes a webseries becomes popular enough to get picked up as local television series, as with "The Guild".

If you can get your friend's friend interested enough to shoot the pilot, it may be possible to market it around. Good luck!
Click to expand...

Thanks for the tips! This is really helpful.
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
How do you go about trusting others in the business with your ideas and is there some sort of legal course you would have to take to ensure your ideas are protected?
Click to expand...

The reality is that nobody can protect their ideas.
Click to expand...

This is usually true, though not always 100% accurate. It does depend on your local laws. For example, this advice is true if you're in LA, though in NY, you do have some protection when pitching ideas. You really need to seek an experienced entertainment lawyer in your area so you can discuss your particular situation.

One last piece of advice, if a single twist is your make or break point to whether a 14 part web series would appeal to a producer/audience, you have larger issues that you need to address before you should be worrying about protection.
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top