Looking for some feedback!

beamazed · Mar 25, 2014

Well I've had the final draft done of this short film, Calamity, for awhile now. And so I wanted to finally get it out into the open and receive some criticism, or complements about it.
I've attached the PDF version of the screenplay, but if for some reason it's not working, please let me know (as I'm still new to this forum)!

The script:
PDF Version: https://docs.google.com/file/d/0B4vL9oB3l1wwdFpkQ2FldWZKS2M/edit

Look forward to the feedback!

maz · Mar 26, 2014

Lemony Snicket? Nice

FantasySciFi · Mar 28, 2014

Yeah, I'm not willing to download the FileDripper mod. It would be better to use another service like Google Share (?) with public settings (was GoogleDocs previously). As a note, skipping through all the ads that look like downloads, at the bottom it says:
"File Details:
Filename: Calamity (Oct. 14) - Shooting Draft.rtf
Size: 0 KB, Type: rtf "
Size of zero is not optimistic. And I really prefer a PDF to an RTF. If you can get this resolved and uploaded, I'd be willing to read it and provide comments.

Will Vincent · Mar 28, 2014

I dunno if it was my machine or what, but the formatting seemed pretty hosed when I looked at this the other day. To the point that large swaths were pretty much impossible to read.

IndiePaul · Mar 29, 2014

FantasySciFi, you can actually download the script without the File Opener download - allow the website does not make that clear.

The script was in RTF format for me, not PDF.

I know this is a short but I'm going to address the feedback based on the fact that the OP is trying to reach a professional screenwriting level.

OP, I gave up within the first page sadly...

Let's look at the start of page 1:

It is WINDY out, papers are flying as Michael lay on the grass. Asleep.

A paper FLIES into his face. Waking him up.

He grabs the nearest by papers and shoves them into his nearby duffel bag.
Rushed, he goes off into the night, on his bicycle. To go home.

There is a file folder left on the ground, that Michael failed to grab. There is no sign about what lies within the folder.

Let's look at it near line-by-line:

It is WINDY out, papers are flying as Michael lay on the grass. Asleep.

We have passive voice. You want to stay in active voice:

Stay in present tense and active voice
http://reelauthors.com/script-analysis-coverage/stay-in-present-tense-and-active-voice.php

And 'lay' is incorrect given the rest of the sentence.

A typo/grammar mistake in the first paragraph/first page, screams to me that the writer is not serious about their work given they have not made the effort to proof read it properly (or ask someone else to). For free feedback, I then stop - why should I spend my time helping if the writer does not even spend time to proof read their own work? Some might regard that harsh but my time (like many others) is precious.

A paper FLIES into his face. Waking him up.

Pro screenwriters typically write very tightly. They would cut the 'up'. A small thing but multiplied out over a 20+ page or even 100+ page script and it will make a considerable difference.

He grabs the nearest by papers and shoves them into his nearby duffel bag.
Rushed, he goes off into the night, on his bicycle. To go home.

'To go home' is totally unnecessary - don't tell us in advance what the talent is going to do. That spoils any surprise or suspense. It also screams non-pro writer. Let the story unfold in real time.

I
There is a file folder left on the ground, that Michael failed to grab. There is no sign about what lies within the folder.

'There is no sign about what lies within the folder.' - you need to assume your reader is intelligent. We would know this - don't tell the reader what is obvious.

Also for 'that Michael failed to grab' - we know this since it did not happen. Again, don't tell us the obvious.

OP, you will find lots of useful articles to help your screenwriting in the links on my sig.

Good luck!

beamazed · Mar 29, 2014

First off, thanks everybody for letting me know about the RTF. I happen to save an RTF and a PDF version at the same time so I was just rushed and picked the wrong type so here it is in PDF, on Google Drive so it's easier to view:
https://docs.google.com/file/d/0B4vL9oB3l1wwdFpkQ2FldWZKS2M/edit

And thank you IndiePaul for the feedback, fluff and verb tense is something I really struggle with and I appreciate your really in-depth feedback, it means a lot

Alcove Audio · Mar 29, 2014

beamazed said:
Looking for some feedback!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kmSsCSg6wj4

Sorry, I just couldn't resist......

FantasySciFi · Mar 29, 2014

Are you shooting this yourself? If so, the advice I can give is really more focused on the shooting script aspects. However, there are general issues which also apply to spec scripts. As IndiePaul pointed out, the major issue is that you do too much telling in the script. You tell the reader but in reality none of that information is visual. A quick example:

Code:

INT. MICHAEL'S HOUSE - EVENING/NIGHT

Michael is greeted by his[COLOR="Red"] FRUSTRATED[/COLOR] dad in the living room. 

Michael notices that his Dad is holding an alcohol bottle, 

[COLOR="Red"]but doesn't say anything.[/COLOR]

                                   MICHAEL'S DAD
          Where the hell have you been?

                                   MICHAEL
          Does it even matter?

Michael, [COLOR="Red"]not wanting to talk[/COLOR], starts walking into the 
kitchen but his Dad, with his one hand open, grabs his wrist 
with the watch and looks at it. Michael stops. His wrist 
alarm goes off[COLOR="Red"] as he had set the alarm late[/COLOR].

                                    MICHAEL'S DAD
          Well I'm glad to know it works.

[COLOR="Red"]Michael, knowing where it's headed.[/COLOR]

The items in red are not knowable to the viewer. By describing reactions, the actor and director will decide how to interpret the exchange. Since this is a shooting script, you want to be breaking this up into shot sequences, not dense paragraphs.

Code:

3.    INT. MICHAEL'S HOUSE - EVENING/NIGHT

3A.  DOLLY OUT:  Michael enters door of his house.

3B.  WIDE SHOT:  MICHAEL'S DAD (60s) paces in the living room, looks
up at the clock then towards the entryway as Michael enters and pauses.

3C.  MEDIUM SHOT:  His Dad grasps an alcohol bottle. 

3D.  TWO SHOT:  Dad staggers towards Michael and stands 
        close, leaning in.

                                   MICHAEL'S DAD
          Where the hell have you been?

                                   MICHAEL
          Does it even matter?

3E.  TWO SHOT:  Michael turns towards the kitchen.  His dad
       with his open hand grabs his wrist

3F.   OVERSHOULDER: on watch.   His wrist alarm goes off.

                                    MICHAEL'S DAD
          Well I'm glad to know it works.

3G.  TWO SHOT:  Michael glares at his father, who releases
       his wrist.
...

Some production companies detail the shots in the shooting script. In others, they can look like spec scripts with occasional shot details written in.

Code:

3.    INT. MICHAEL'S HOUSE - EVENING/NIGHT

DOLLY OUT: Michael enters door of his house.

MICHAEL'S DAD (60s) paces in the living room, looks at the clock 
then towards the entryway as Michael enters and pauses.

His dad grasps an alcohol bottle. 

Dad staggers towards Michael and stands  close, leaning in.

                                   MICHAEL'S DAD
          Where the hell have you been?

                                   MICHAEL
          Does it even matter?

Michael turns towards the kitchen.  His dad with his open 
hand grabs his wrist

CU: on watch.   His wrist alarm goes off.

                                    MICHAEL'S DAD
          Well I'm glad to know it works.

Michael glares at his father, who releases his wrist.
...

In the examples above, I also eliminated the non-visual components or elaborated them. What does 'frustrated dad' look like? Is he fat? imposing? in pajamas? dirty work clothes? That information would be useful in a spec script to help the casting director and wardrobe person.

In the script you use 'we see, we know, ...' NO WE DON'T. Unless you describe it visually, it can't be known. Also 'starts/begins' are usually superfluous. A person 'talks', they don't 'start to talk'.

A major issue is the final voiceover. DON'T READ THE LETTER!!!! This would be DEADLY on screen. It's soporific drivel as it is. I'm sorry.

The script was rather boring, drags because very little action happens and is generally uninspired. I force myself to page five and you announce the "ROLL OPENING CREDITS". You lost my attention way before that unfortunately. I'm sorry but it seems every new young adult screenwriter writes the same storyline--boy/girl with problems with mom/dad/caretaker, runs away, makes friend, ends up in trouble, commits suicide, the end. It doesn't get any better the hundredth time I read it.

I won't dissuade you from shooting it, but I would strongly encourage you to seriously put it aside and revisit it after you have written a couple other short pieces first. You might try writing a couple spec scripts first before tackling a shooting script. Good luck with your writing endeavors.