Feedback on Script

Very well written in a technical sense, but I couldn't help but be bored of the chat between the women and Kevin about insignificant things in the world (like the moon) and it may have been significant to the story but I stopped reading before to find out so (at this part):

"Eh, you were drowning. I pulled you out. Now, you’re not drowning. Unfortunately, that sort of counts as saving you" and I read this line with the knowledge that it was humorous, idk, it just sounds like it's a suppose to be funny and a sudden shift of tone from the last line. Figured the line would've been something super serious like a long-winded propaganda speech about life, death etc. You know the shit they pull in political movies.

I don't know what I'm saying, I haven't given any advice/critique but your writing is good, the topic just doesn't intrigue me. Actually, what do I know? I haven't written a script yet or ever maybe? who knows. I'm drunk, bye.

Just a couple of quick thoughts. It seems as though Denise knows about Kevin's condition, so why is he alone in the beginning? Also dementia from what I understand affects short-term memory, how is it then that Kevin can remember so much about his parents, his upbringing and other things and yet totally forget his wife?

Thanks a lot for your help, guys.

Yes, You'reMrPink. That was line was supposed to be read loosely, and the moon does play a small part. It's part of a bridge that helps him remember.

MarvelousDrew. You're right, Dementia does affects short term memory, which is why he only remembers his childhood. Plus, Dementia doesn't just stop at short term, it slowly progresses to long term over time. So, picture a timeline being erased from present, to past. He's at a point where he already forgot his wife. Eventually, he is going to forget his childhood too, but he's not there, yet.

You're also right about him being alone. That is something that I am currently trying to figure out. My early concept was that he was not in 'lost' state when they checked in. Hence, him checking into the motel, instead of his wife. She felt comfortable enough to walk away for a couple seconds, and that's all it took for him to go blank. But, I don't really think that scenario fits the story well.

It's a really nice script, with my main criticisms already raised above. The variable memory might be an issue though; if he's in a state where he can't remember a name he's just been told, would he be able to remember where his jacket and shoes are? Different kinds of memory, I guess?

Why is he alone? Or, alternatively, why doesn't the receptionist ask him where his wife is? A difficult issue to fix while still maintaining the 'reveal'. I'll be interested to see how you resolve that

It's a good story though, equal parts charming and completely terrifying, which is pretty unique

Thanks for reviewing Maz,

If you're referring to the opening part where he forgets Annie's name. I think that part is not a lapse in memory, it's just that he wasn't paying attention when she said it. He was too occupied trying to figure things out. I might need to remove that part if that's how it comes across. Thanks for bringing that up.

Toxoiid said:

Thanks for reviewing Maz,

If you're referring to the opening part where he forgets Annie's name. I think that part is not a lapse in memory, it's just that he wasn't paying attention when she said it. He was too occupied trying to figure things out. I might need to remove that part if that's how it comes across. Thanks for bringing that up.

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I think that's probably wise... in a context where forgetting things is salient, having non-salient recall issues is probably not wise!