The script was pretty damn good - it stayed humorous, and the lines actually felt natural. Too often with indie scripts the lines just feel forced, but the lines here were very smooth, no doubt aided by the perfect actors for the roles. Even if that is you and a friend, people often find it hard to write lines even for themselves, because they don't comprehend the difference between pre-planned speech and improvised speech.
There is a definite problem with both the shots and the sound though. Many of the shots seem to have been done without much thought put into them, which can often make it seem unprofessional. For example at several points you have the camera
directly facing them, such as when you did the shots where they were talking on the bench - I get that those shots of each other were coming from each other's perspective, but seeing as the rest of the short film wasn't in that perspective it just seems terribly off.
Peep Show gets away with it because
the entire show is in a first person perspective. With third person shots, dialogue is often done with over-the-shoulder perspective as opposed to just directly from where the other person is positioned, which you actually did at certain points (the inconsistency of which lends to the unprofessional feel).
The sound isn't really mentioned too much to people who are still at the low-end of independent, but you should know that using your camera's in-built microphone isn't a very good method of recording audio - your best bet is to get an external microphone (I suggest a boom mic, not a shotgun mic - or just get both and experiment), and if you don't have an input jack on your camera get an external recorder.
Still though, your best bet is to watch a lot of films and take note of how they do specific types of scenes - dialogue shots, action shots, etcetera. Also, if you get the chance, read through these:
http://www.digital-photography-school.com/rule-of-thirds
http://www.digital-photography-scho...bonaccis-ratio-the-rule-of-thirds-on-steroids
And with future inside shots, think about maybe setting up a three-point lighting system - it helps add depth to the shot.
Nice work though
I'd definitely say the superb script and acting has made this one of the best comedy shorts I've seen lately. The only thing off about the script was that throughout it I didn't get the idea that he loved her or whatever until he made that speech to Eric (nice name, btw), and then there was the DREADED MONTAGE.
Edit:
Forgot to mention the editing. I'm not really an expert when it comes to editing, but I'd definitely say a lot of it in the short was very off. A couple of tips:
> Match the pace of shots to the pace of the scene - at several points you have various fast shot transitions happening when they're talking slowly in a conversation, and if anything that just helps to accenture the lack of continuity between shots (even professionals get continuity wrong sometimes, but they tend to disguise it well - unless that professional happens to be behind
Sons of Anarchy or
Desperate Housewives).
> Having those montages of random action just don't really fit well and don't make much sense - even if it's showing stuff that they do between the scenes, it just doesn't fit. Try to avoid using them.
> Keep that pace consistent. At various points you had shots coming in second after second and then suddenly you'll stay for about 30 seconds with one shot. Also, keep the sound consistent, even if that sound is 70% wind.
> Another note on that - shots don't often last for as long as 30 seconds, they're often much, much less. Changing shots keeps pace with the scene and adds variety and interest for the viewer.
