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My Atlantis epic tragedy

I'm not sure anyone has time to read this entire screenplay. If so feedback is appreciated, i like honesty it's more constructive than being nice. I've had this idea for years and it finally came out. hope you enjoy.

I read the first 20 pages to get a fair assessment of "Act 1"--introduction of the characters, plot elements, and set up. This reads more like a book or story than a screenplay. It is obvious you have given it great care and attention, but it would not play well on the screen.

First there are a number of misspelled words, missing punctuation, etc. So you will want to carefully proofread it. These small things will frequently stop persnickety readers.

Second, much of the dialogue is expository and redundant. Pages 16 & 17 could be cut down to half a page. Other dialogues could be tightened up substantially.

I'm not sure how much of the Atlantis Flyover scene is even relevant to the script. Yes it shows thought on your part, but an entire page of description (bottom of 6 and top of 7) is overkill. What is relevant for the scene where the action is taking place?

The Temple of Uni scene is not logically connected to anything before or after it. It feels out of place and is confusing. Obviously we expect Atlantis to suffer a horrible fate, that's common knowledge. Liking seeing a picture about the Titanic and not expecting it to sink.

Why introduce Laban prior to the war scene? Since both Ranaan and Seoras are on the Council (p.5), how is Laban's station any different than Yarran's (p.16)? If Seoras was demoted, that needs to be revealed. It would provide motive for wanting his son hitched to Aeris' daughter. But why did Seoras kill/injure the servant? That makes no sense. Seems like it would be a good thing.

Many of the action paragraphs need to be broken out into individual action lines. The montage treatment with the voice over did not work well. There is too much action packed visually to map to the words. It comes across as trite and preachy.

Logically, I don't know if the other kings would welcome Aeris so affectionately having been conquered by him. Why the soft spot for Ranaan? You need to give the audience a reason for understanding why the battle(s) were necessary. All the characters seem fairly superficial throughout.

It didn't make sense to me why Nethun would have Atlantis and the ocean, yet they worship Uni and Tinis also. Why is Tinis the "Savior of Atlantis"? It would seem that Nethun should hold the primary role in the capital near the Spire of Light. I know this sounds insignificant, but it would be like having a giant Napolean Bonaparte instead of the Statue of Liberty because of the Lousiana Purchase.

Summarizing the first twenty pages:
1. Gods divvy up the world and give the oceans and Atlantis to Nethun.
2. Aeris fights everybody and wins.
3. Aeris calls everyone together and says let's be friends. And they agree.
4. Temple of Uni
5. Fly over of Atlantis
6. Aeris asks Ranaan to marry their kids.
7. Aeris' daughter is already sleeping with another king's son.
8. Aeris and wife mad at daughter for refusing to marry Yarran.
9. King's son finds out that daughter is betrothed to another king's son.
10. She continues to confess her love and they have sex.
11. When a servant spies Laban and Farsiris together, Laban's father kills the servant.

Is (1) really necessary? It may be a cool scene, but what is it contributing to the movie? I mean the cameo at the end seems a bit pointless. It is the only point the gods speak.
(2) and (3) don't seem realistic to me.
(4) and (5) seem superfluous to the events before and after.
(7)-(10) are really the meat of this section
(11) doesn't make sense why Erastus would do that.

Jumping ahead, the story seems to plod along. There are too many talking head episodes. The intrigue segments tend to drag on. Farsiris is killed. Then Yarran. Both very brutally. For a novel, this kind of slow pacing would be fine but for a movie, this has unbelievable inertia. Then you get to p. 118 with, I have to say, a very tacky ending. You really need to cut this down to 90 pages. When I can skip every 15-20 pages and get the gist of it, there is too much redundancy.

You might consider re-writing this as a novel for publication. You have an interesting idea, but this screenplay does not do it justice. You need to really slash a lot of the description and dialogue. The formating is condensed, so I suspect the page count is actually much higher than the 118, if your paragraphs are broken out.

I do like the story concept, but the inconsistencies and problems with dialogue, description and pacing are problematic.
 
I read the first few pages. Two things stuck out.

1. You change narrators. First guy is actually providing some relevant background. Second guy, Aeris, is basically giving hollow exposition.

Changing narrators like that calls attention to the technique of using a narrator. All Aeris' lines are cuttable and there's no dramatic scene with him.

2. This guy Aeris basically mass murdered a village and raped a lot of women. This is your hero? No thanks.
 
Thanks for the feedback, it's appreciated. polfilmblog, Aeris is most definitely not the hero, if you read a bit more you'll find out who it is. You are probably right about the two voiceovers at the beginning, they were both intended as background, but I can see where aeris got a little on the nose.

Again though thanks.
 
Fantasyscifi by "skipping 15 or 20 pages" I think you missed some important details, I don't want to sound like I'm defending, but seoras is not on the council and by missing that part I think you have missed a lot of the story. I think by skipping as you said you've missed out on a lot more than you think, again though I do appreciate the feedback.
 
Fantasyscifi by "skipping 15 or 20 pages" I think you missed some important details, I don't want to sound like I'm defending, but seoras is not on the council and by missing that part I think you have missed a lot of the story. I think by skipping as you said you've missed out on a lot more than you think, again though I do appreciate the feedback.

Possibly. This is one of the script inconsistencies. On p. 23, Seoras is invited to join the council. Yet on p.5 he is listed as a member of the council when Aeris takes power. The flashback sequences are easily missed. I may have missed some important details because they are buried. But this is the kind of information which should be stated upfront for the audience to make sense of the story. Rather than use flashbacks, just play the segments forward from the start then jump into the future. If Erastus is getting notes from Aeris and being called 'Sire' and we last saw Seoras on the council with nothing to contradict it, it misleads the audience.

Flashbacks should be used sparingly and then only to emphasize certain points precisely because it can cause confusion. You might want to read the following: http://www.screenplaymastery.com/FlashbacksI.htm

If the audience/reader can't follow the events of the first 20 minutes, then why would they want to continue on? There is a problem. Not meaning to be cruel, but a compelling story makes you want to keep reading, not force yourself to keep reading (or watching). "Buried" is a marvelous script that keeps you reading through all 90 pages.

Every time I paused it was page long dialogues (talking heads). It became a series of plotting sessions--Cledwyn and Ghaith, Laban and Cleodis, Aeris and Ranaan. It was not visual. Also watch for common errors of spelling, grammar, and punctuation. A random sample:
Code:
Both Laban and Cleodis dismount [color="red"]there (sp.)[/color] horses, approach each other.

LABAN
(stoic)
You as well.

CLEODIS
What brings you to my kingdom of dirt and grass?

LABAN
My Father asked that I assemble everyone.

CLEODIS
Are you OK [color="red"]COMMA[/color] Laban?

LABAN
Yes [color="red"]COMMA[/color] I'm fine?
(beat)
What happened with the horses?  what happened to your eye?!

CLEODIS
Two of the horses ran off [color="red"]PERIOD[/color] I've never seen them like this. My eye, 
well [color="red"]COMMA[/color] let's just say that Calien and I have worked through our issues.
(beat)
How are you though? I haven't seen you since I heard about Farsiris [color="red"]COMMA[/color] 
and I wanted to ...

LABAN
What?! Tell me you were right?! That I shouldn't have gotten involved?!

CLEODIS
No! I wanted to tell you how sorry I am.
(beat)
What a terrible friend you must think I am that I would gloat rather than
comfort you.

LABAN
I'm sorry. My mind isn't right[color="red"]PERIOD[/color] of course you're a great friend.

CLEODIS
Whatever you need [color="red"]COMMA[/color] if I am able [color="red"]COMMA[/color] I shall produce it.

LABAN
Thank you.

CLEODIS
And what of her murderer?  Has he been captured?

LABAN
Not exactly as you mean it.

etc.

This could be cut down and be made more visual:

Code:
Both Laban and Cleodis dismount their horses, approach each other and
clasp arms.

LABAN
Everyone is assembled as my father asked?

Cleodis nods.  Laban smirks and nods at his eye.

CLEODIS
Let's just say that Calien and I have worked through our issues.

The two head back towards the horses.  Laban clasps his hand on
Cleodis' shoulder.

Cleodis starts to speak then goes silent and looks down.

LABAN
What? Would you remind me you were right? That I shouldn't have 
gotten involved?

CLEODIS
No! No.--What a terrible friend I am that I haven't consoled you.

Laban stops, turns to his friend and looks him squarely in the eyes.

LABAN
Don't ever doubt that you're a great friend.

Cleodis breaks a small smile which Laban returns.  They continue back to
the horses.

CLEODIS
And what of her murderer?  Has he been captured?

Laban mounts his horse and looks down at Cleodis.

LABAN
I believe he's been ... found.

etc.

Instead of talking heads, the key dialogue (eye, friendship, murder) is broken with visuals. You do this well in other parts but not uniformly throughout. Are the scared horses really relevant?

You have some good story points. You must decide whether you want to preserve them as a book or which can be jettisoned to create an engaging movie. "Ben Hur", "Troy", "Ten Commandments" were epics but the scenes are crisp and move quickly.

I am truly empathetic. This is a piece that you've spent a lot of energy putting to paper. You have a right to defend your work. I would only suggest that what works as a novel does not translate well to the screen. Scripts are continuously visual even with dialogue; that's important to bear in mind. Spelling, punctuation, and grammar are also important features. For most readers, the first 10 pages are the only shot your script has. Lose them there, and it gets rejected.
 
For most readers, the first 10 pages are the only shot your script has. Lose them there, and it gets rejected.

I agree, although most people, including me, make their minds up on the first page typically and the 10 page read is almost more of a courtesy.

I've read a lot of scripts, and don't claim to be an expert, but one thing I appreciate in a script is a story that moves. Things are happening. Some scripts just seem to sit there.
 
Thanks for the feedback, it's appreciated. polfilmblog, Aeris is most definitely not the hero, if you read a bit more you'll find out who it is.
In order to get a reader to read a bit more you have to write
something that makes the reader want to read more. A bit
of a circle but important.

I, too, found myself skipping over much of your script because
there were so many typo's and spelling mistakes and too much
exposition and the voice over was confusing.

It's clear you are passionate about this story. If you want others
to share your passion, clear writing and storytelling is essential.
 
Have you considered turning this into a graphic novel or comic? There are some heavyweight opinions out there that argue that's a better a approach for proceeding with a movie idea -- this one in particular seems really hard to self produce, even to make a short would be hard. But as a graphic novel, could be pretty cool and doable.
 
I'm relieved that the mass murdering rapist isn't the hero. Problem is these heinous crimes are not given the proper weight and are casually listed as background.

Look at the opening to Conan the Barbarian. That's a similar feeling story (at that point).
 
Have you considered turning this into a graphic novel or comic? There are some heavyweight opinions out there that argue that's a better a approach for proceeding with a movie idea -- this one in particular seems really hard to self produce, even to make a short would be hard. But as a graphic novel, could be pretty cool and doable.

That's pretty interesting, Brian. Could you expand upon that? Why do some heavyweights think that? Is the point simply that if you want to get an epic (tragedy) made you should go the graphic novel route because it costs a fraction of what it takes to make an epic feature film? Or is it something else? Thanks.
 
That's pretty interesting, Brian. Could you expand upon that? Why do some heavyweights think that? Is the point simply that if you want to get an epic (tragedy) made you should go the graphic novel route because it costs a fraction of what it takes to make an epic feature film? Or is it something else? Thanks.

Various reason. Not the least of which is that this a post literary age. Also, There is no shortage of great spec scripts sitting around Hollywood -- something like what you wrote is just another one on the pile. You don't want to know the odds of a spec script like this getting produced. When Hollywood wants to do an epic FX type story like this, 99% of the time they'll tap an existing property then hire A list writers to execute it. Key word there "Existing Property", haven't you noticed? We have Thor, Green Lantern, Clash of The Titans, Harry Potter, Lord Of The Rings, 300, all existing properties with built in fan bases to mitigate risk -- you're asking someone to bet 200 million dollars on your project. So, it's logical that it might be wise to make your concept into an "Existing Property" that might gain traction in the public. Comic, graphic novel, book, something other than a screenplay which doesn't work on it's own and is only vaguely a literary property. Screenplays don't appear on the NYT Bestseller's list. No one reads them. Film people don't even like reading them. It really takes a James Cameron to create, develop and finance a spec project in this genre from the ground up. JC did a lot of heavy lifting with unlimited resources to get Avatar off the ground. It's nice to aim high and dream big, but some estimate Avatar cost 500 million to produce.

My 2 pesos.
 
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Yeah what he said is true.

If you have a great story (big IF -- I haven't read it) then it could work as a young fantasy novel. Then you would have an "existing property."

It's all a tough sell.
 
In that case it does sound like even if an author/creator with a labor-of-love-epic would prefer to see their story made into a film, perhaps they ought to consider coming at it sideways with a novel, graphic novel, or comic. I suppose I've only just reiterated what you've both already written.

So, Brian and Joe, do you write screenplays? Do you write spectaculars? If so, is that how you are or how you would approach getting your spectacular noticed, that is, by another medium in hopes that it will eventually be made into a film? Or are you only interested in writing other kinds of screenplays --those that don't require giant budgets or big risk taking?
 
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