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Feedback on comedy script

Prank Wars
Opening (Int.)
-Opens on shot of Evan & David playing games on the couch from neck down with animated text. 'Two friends'
-Shot of UFC style face off from nose up. 'One war'
Cut to David texting. Evan approaches.
"You've got something on your shirt" Evan says before a go pro shot of his arm shows him flick David in the nose. Head shot of David, lights dim except one light illuminating his face. "Its on."
Cut to title. 'Prank Wars'
An over the shoulder shot follows Evan through a hallway. He puts his hand on a cracked door to open it but stops. Close up as he looks up and smirks. There is a bucket placed on the top crack of the door. Evan quips over his shoulder "You really think Im gonna fall for-- he is cut off by a splash of water and a yell "PRANK WAR!"
Stumbling back into the cracked door Evan is hit with another bucket of water.
Cut to couch shot of David with a bag of Doritios enjoying a show. Shot stays still for extended period. Evan slowly emerges from his hollowed out couch cushion disguise, David does not notice. A nut shot accompanied with a yell "PRANK WAR!" ensues.
(Ext. Yard)
David coaxes a cat to come and pets it then picks it up.
(Int. House)
David walks into the bathroom holding cat, sets it down and closes it in the bathroom.
Cut to Evan finishing a gallon of water and walking past David. "Prank war." David mutters, but Evan doesn't seem to notice.
(Ext. Yard)
A shot through the window shows Evan struggling with a cat, getting attacked. He opens the window and dives out. Stands, approaches camera with hate in his eyes and cuts on his face.
(Int. House)
David talks on the phone leaning against a wall. Pan through wall shows Evan with his ear to the wall. He is trying to exactly match his fist with David's voice. He then takes out his cellphone and calls David. David answers. He then punches through the wall and hits David in the face. Shot of Evan through the hole in the wall. "Prank war." he says then spits.
(Int. House)
Evan is on his way out as David is making a sandwich. He is nicely dressed and David asks why. "Off to a job interview. I'll probably stop back over later." "Oh, well here, take this. Need the engery!", David replies.
(Int. Car)
Evan sings along to a song as he eats his sandwich.
(Int. Ext. Building)
Evan enters building, starting to sweat. The cuts start to clip and distort. He wipes sweat off his brow. "Can I help you?", a child behind a front desk asks. Evan starts to answer and double takes. A grown man sitting behind the desk awaits his answer. "Yeah, Im here to see Mr. Carter about the job interview.", Evan stammers. "Go right in.", the man says.
Evan looks at his phone and sees a text from David. 'Hope the interview is magical. Thats a pun. I drugged you. Prank War, son.' Evans eyes widen and a shot of his hand shows an animated demon phone and he shrieks and drops it.
(Ext. Alley)
Quick cuts of David approaching drug dealer, buying shrooms, then fist bumping him.
(Int. Building)
Evan stumbles into the office. "Mr. LaGrange, great to see you!," Mr. Carter says extending his hand.
-POV shot of Evan shows him look down at his hands, now cartoons, and up at Mr. Carter, now a puppet with his hand extended.
Evan yells and it cuts to black.
(Int. Bedroom)
Rustling is heard. Scene is still dark. A window slides open.
David turns on a lamp and is greeted by a masked figure. Before David can react his is pimped slapped by a glock. Cut to black.
(Int. Trunk)
Trunk door opens to figure, who then yanks David out of the back. A swift punch and David is unconscious, then hoisted over the figures shoulder and throw into a lake. Figure gets into car and removes mask. It is-- of course-- Evan. "Prank War," he says, obviously tired.
(Int. House)
Evan brushes his teeth in a robe after a shower. Makes a cup of coffee. Sits reading the paper. Banging on the door. Evan grimaces, gets up and heads for the door. Banging continues. "Im coming, God, do you need my signature that bad?!", Evan mutters.
Opens door to a soaking wet, pissed off David, who the flips Evan off.
Evans hand goes over his mouth and his eyes widen. "Too far," Evan says seriously. He then slowly shuts the door. A single tear drops down his face.
Melancholy song plays to montage of Evan & David sulking.
- David sits on park bench and throws a piece of bread when there is blatantly no pigeons around.
- Evan stares out a rainy window.
(Ext. Street)
David sees friends filming a vine smack each other and sighs deeply. Keeps walking down the street. Texts Evan 'Sorry' and presses send.
Shots of a car speeding down the road to the song "Rock You Like A Hurricane".
Front shot of David, still walking, unaware of a car speeding towards him. While the car passes, Evan leans out of the window, tosses a rope, and yells 'Prank War'. The rope catches David's leg and he is dragged across the pavement by the car.
Cut to credits.
 
Sounds like a lame bunch of unfunny slapstick with a bad taste and disturbing tragedy at the end, needlessly forced in the audience's face.

Recommendation - Don't give up the day job.
 
Sounds like a lame bunch of unfunny slapstick with a bad taste and disturbing tragedy at the end, needlessly forced in the audience's face.

Recommendation - Don't give up the day job.

Well...they do say "If you have nothing of value to add just pound the guy" But really I think we need to edit that a little for you to say "If you don't have any fucking idea what the fuck you are talking about, and therefore cannot actually add anything constructive to a conversation, why not go away and brew yourself a nice big cup of shut the fuck up, and slurp on that for a little"...and yes I am swearing at you, you chose to come onto this forum and effectively pound on a new member for your own self worth so I choose to ignore social politeness and jam it right back down that miserable little windpipe that you call a throat hole. And as I have been here a lot longer then you have, I have zero problem calling you a miserable little tit while I am at it. What kind of angry little man are you that you feel the need to reply to a new members earnest search for advice with such a short dicked little answer....you sir have no place within these forums if you cannot be supportive, or constructive, or at best I suspect in your case, silent!!! Be gone from these walls you horrible little trollish child!!!
 
This kind of short is not my cup of tea, but I know that on youtube such things are very popular.
Some have millions of followers.

There are going to be some difficult shots in there though, the very last scene for instance...have you put thought into how you are actually going to film that?

If you can, great, but if not, there are other 'easier to film' things that could take its place...ie toaster into the bath, swirly drowning gone wrong etc etc...easier to film as it doesn't require as much to film but still ends in the death.
 
Well...they do say "If you have nothing of value to add just pound the guy" But really I think we need to edit that a little for you to say "If you don't have any fucking idea what the fuck you are talking about, and therefore cannot actually add anything constructive to a conversation, why not go away and brew yourself a nice big cup of shut the fuck up, and slurp on that for a little"...and yes I am swearing at you, you chose to come onto this forum and effectively pound on a new member for your own self worth so I choose to ignore social politeness and jam it right back down that miserable little windpipe that you call a throat hole. And as I have been here a lot longer then you have, I have zero problem calling you a miserable little tit while I am at it. What kind of angry little man are you that you feel the need to reply to a new members earnest search for advice with such a short dicked little answer....you sir have no place within these forums if you cannot be supportive, or constructive, or at best I suspect in your case, silent!!! Be gone from these walls you horrible little trollish child!!!


Yes, I'm sure making up lies and telling someone something candy-coated is going to help them loads.

Why don't you try relaxing before your PMS really gets on everyone else'e tits as well?
 
SOMETHING WONDERFUL ABOUT YOUR SCRIPT

If you're looking for feedback it would help if it was readable!

Whilst the format is poor and tough to read, it IS actually readible and locked in an illegible Google vault. I AM able to read each line without my machine seizing up.

FOr this you should receive at least one tick and a thank you.
 
Yes, I'm sure making up lies and telling someone something candy-coated is going to help them loads.

Why don't you try relaxing before your PMS really gets on everyone else'e tits as well?

As the writer of the script above is clearly aware, there exists on youtube a type of video called 'vines' which are basically skits, pranks, and bloopers...they are incredibly popular, and do indeed have millions of followers from around the world...Many of their followers range from teens right up through to 30 something year olds that get a lot of joy out of this genre...I enjoy some of these myself...especially the Russian ones where you see Russians being completely insane...It's very funny and relaxing...These are in turn accompanied by further vines called 'Pranks gone wrong'...again some are real pranks gone wrong, others are written and carefully produced...And again they have millions of viewers.

So there is no lie there...nor is there any exaggeration or candy coating.

My next point was as to how he was going to film some parts...a legit question..again no candy coating or lieing, but definitely a useful question to help the writer consider his shoot...Also known as being helpful, friendly, and constructive...because people can help people without being like yourself.

Anything else to add?
 
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