Having trouble with first draft, help?

Suicide at the end, really? I like the message you are trying to portray, but you've reduced it to absolute absurdity to the point that the audience will be laughing at Anthony in the end. It also doesn't make sense that a guy, who from the montage seems so together, would suddenly kill himself.

This is a classic new screenwriter mistake--having a plot and then forcing characters to act unusually to make the plot work. Often they set up a believable character then turn around and have them do something totally "out of character".

First, don't use your dialogue to explain what the audience is seeing. Telling the dog what he's doing is unnecessary. Use his voice to bring out what the audience can't see. "Hey boy. Can't wait to see her face when I tell her I got us two seats at the concert tonight!"

Second, I would show from the beginning that Anthony is impatient or can't handle little crises. He goes to get the dog some dogfood and the cupboard is empty. He slams the door. Then in the montage, you might have the scene as Anthony sees it--Bentley picking on Miguel. He reacts. Bentley stands up and walks off. Miguel says to him "Chill, man, he was just horsing.". Miguel shakes his head and goes to class. You want to build the impression that Anthony is a good guy but misinterprets events. Now you've done some set-up. Anthony is not perfect and doesn't handle stress. Have him approach Kaitlin to go out and she says she can't but will call him later. He doesn't mention the tickets.

Third, be realistic. A cold pastry and he can't zap it for a few more seconds? He doesn't come across as stone cold stupid. Here, I think you let the title take over and you let it drive your story which is a big mistake. Keep to your idea--small issues that overwhelm--but make it seem plausible. That scene was so out of his originally developed character, it broke the connection I had with his character. Use the Goldilocks approach--he burns the first one ("too hot") and dumps it. Makes the second one ("too cold") and zaps it again ("just right"). Then he gets the call from Kaitlin.

Fourth, suicide is SO-O-O-O overused. Please find a more creative ending. Have him try calling his friends and no one is available. Who could he take? Does he go? Does he stay and just rip up the tickets? Then a closing shot of Kaitlin at the concert with one of her girlfriends. Or maybe he does go with his other male friend, and he bumps into her at the concert. They argue a bit then make up. Or whatever.

Movies and shorts are about stories--intro, obstacle, crisis, resolution. The problem with suicide is that you need to lead the audience to understand why it's necessary from the character's viewpoint to be believable as a resolution. If not, it just comes across as sloppy filmmaking--"We didn't know how to end the picture so we just decided to kill him/her/them off." It is the equivalent to the literary plot cliche "... And then he/she/they woke up." In both cases, you still need a resolution.

FantasySciFi, I sent you a private message, but for some reason it doesn't say that I did. Did you get it?

If you didn't, I took everything you said about the script, and changed it accordingly. I really liked your ideas, and they helped me a lot. But now when I read the script, it seems slightly unfocused on my theme and main idea (of the likable but flawed guy, and how problems are all temporary etc etc). Here's the new script. What do you think? Thank you for all the help and criticism, it helped a lot.

http://textuploader.com/?p=6&id=KHuGc

Oh and I forgot to say, the one criticism of yours that I didn't work into the film was the Hot Pocket thing. I wanted the main "antagonist" of the film to be something incredibly small (think Seinfeld levels of small). I still put emphasis on the tickets, and I did it in a way to underline "all problems in life are temporary", but I want Anthony's main dilemma in the film to be his fight with the Hot Pockets, and how they bring out his worst qualities (his inability to fail). So just a heads up that I purposely did that.

In fact, something I noticed about all the versions of the script I wrote is that the script kind of doesn't focus on this. I wanted the THEME of the film to be what I said on the last post (that problems are temporary). I wanted the main IDEA to be that Anthony is flawed, and I wanted to learn about those flaws etc. But I wanted the PLOT, the main story, to be Anthony's battle with such a weird thing that so quickly brings out the worst in him. And I don't think I've done a good job of doing all three of these things.

I don't know how to delete a post, so just..ignore this. My bad haha.