Home
Your Ad Here

Go Back   IndieTalk - Indie Film Forum > Discussion new > Screenwriting new

5/23 Update: Working on fine details for our new launch. Posting is disabled until further notice.
Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 03-15-2019, 11:32 AM   #1
glewis
Basic Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2019
Location: California
Posts: 6
2 for one scripts! The Boy who Defied Hitler

Hi! I have written two scripts and you can read both or one. Which one is best?

The Boy who Defied Hitler. A young German boy falls in love with a Jewish girl amidst a thriving swing culture and the impending Second World War that threatens to throw them apart.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1...it?usp=sharing


An Autistic young man discovers the meaning of a first love.


https://docs.google.com/document/d/1...it?usp=sharing

Last edited by glewis; 03-15-2019 at 11:34 AM.
glewis is offline   Reply With Quote
Old Today   #1A
film guy
Basic Member
 
Posts: 17

 
Old 03-18-2019, 09:05 PM   #2
Wolverine237
Basic Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Boise, ID
Posts: 104
I read most of The Boy who Defied Hitler. I didn’t read it all the way through because the writing does need work (hence the reason I assume you posted to this forum). Based on what I’ve read from the first few pages I understood the primary conflict from the beginning, which is excellent. Your job now is to maintain the conflict as you explore the characters within it.

I enjoyed how you showed the audience how Frederick is both human in his inability to skate and in his desire to have compassion on others. Excellent character building which also plays directly to the story.

The dialogue with the children is effective in its addition to the story but at times feels clunky and out of place. Tighten it up and you’ve got a great scene. Also instead of Girl 1, try Schoolgirl 1. More effective at describing the character in a succinct manner and if the pretty girl in the first scene is a central character then it would be best to give her a name.

The dialogue between his family needs much more thought. His father clearly has a desire for him to join the German boys group, it would be reasonable to assume they have already had this conversation and argument before. Use that tension to your dramatic interest within the story. Perhaps his father has already signed him up and he drops the news that Frederick is going to the Jungvolk the next day.

My best advice would be to find a red pen and print out your screenplay. Mark it up and question every line and action as to whether or not those words effectively display your character or push the story onward.

Happy writing.
Wolverine237 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-19-2019, 03:42 PM   #3
glewis
Basic Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2019
Location: California
Posts: 6
Thank you for your comments. I appreciate them.
One thing, the boy claims he has migraine headaches to get out of joining Hitler's Youth. But his father doesn't believe that, he thinks the boy is using that as an excuse.
glewis is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Tags
austistic, historical, jewish, love


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT -5. The time now is 12:29 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.9
Copyright ©2000 - 2019, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.


©IndieTalk