"Masilla" feature script introduction.

My how fast these threads get buried! PTP, once I have a moment to settle, will be read and post thoughts. Cheers.

Interesting. This is very much a collection of colorful vignettes. Outside of certain characters who recur, they don't really have much to join them together yet to form a storyline. At first, I thought it was a fantasy, Harry-Potter-esque. Then it jumps about and raises questions in each vignette which never get answered. It has a fantasy Vader-esque moment. Could be interesting once it's developed.

You have several broken dialogues. Often it is unclear who is saying what without a character label. So the formatting needs to be cleaned up. And as a draft, lots of nitpicky elements-grammar, punctuation, and spelling--need to be fixed.

Example:
At first, I thought it was part of the action line. Since Henry stares somberly, are we now seeing him back on the screen (hence we need a slugline) and this is no longer a VO? Lots of housekeeping cleanups in the script.

So, yes, they're interesting scenes, but they don't have a cohesiveness to tell a story yet. It was like looking through a stranger's photo album--intriguing pictures with no context, just recurring faces.

It will be interesting to see how it develops down the road.

It was like looking through a stranger's photo album--intriguing pictures with no context, just recurring faces.

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I don't think I can sum it up any better than this.

It reminded me, in a way, of the opening episode of Boardwalk Empire where the viewer had a rough idea of what was going to transpire but the show's writers were in no hurry to bring the threads together. I guess that worked for a TV series but I would be cautious about this approach with a feature film.

Few thoughts I had:

- We seen three different 'versions' of Parnusius (sp?) within the first ten minutes of the film. This make work in your head or in a novel or even in a screenplay but I think three different incarnations of the same character so early on in the film is likely to confuse and disorientate the average cinema goers.

- The opening is very novelistic which, for me, is generally a good thing. But I was trying to play the scene out cinematically in my head and I had real difficulty so I'm not quite sure how it might work onscreen. This leads me on to my third point...

- You've chosen a really tricky concept in creating a whole fictional world, be it set in the real world. Is there magic (does he kill the ex-mayor?)? Perhaps I'm being more questioning because I'm reading it rather than snuggling down with my popcorn but I think you need to use the early scenes to establish the 'rules' of your world. The dialogue, in places and I don't mean this as an insult, reminded me of the game Oblivion (my favorite game of all time and they had some sick writers working on that) where they kind of take for granted that you understand the rules of their world, even if they're introducing new concepts. I'm not sure you'll be able to get away with it so freely in a feautre film that isn't based on a book or any existing work. Solution? I'm not sure but I'd consider writing in a couple of early scenes that are cunningly expository about Masilla (do you realize what this means in Spanish?) and your adjusted history.

- Likewise I would consider making it a bit more linear to start with. Most films spent the early parts either directly following our protagonist, following a crucial storyline or cutting between our protagonist and the situation they will come to face. I just think the start of 'Masilla' is very novelistic and this might be an overload for the average punter.

That said there's a lot to be admired. I like the early dialogue between the kids (very Never Let Me Go) and between the gossipers (give them names!) and I thought that worked very well in bringing familiarity to an extremely unfamiliar setting. There are a few grammar issues and typos but I never think it's terribly helpful to list them after a first draft, I'm sure you'll pick them up.

But it's cool. Sorry for the blathering reply iPad's about to run out of battery any how...

Thanks for reading, guys. Alot of interesting points to take onboard.

FantasySciFi said:

So, yes, they're interesting scenes, but they don't have a cohesiveness to tell a story yet. It was like looking through a stranger's photo album--intriguing pictures with no context, just recurring faces.

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Strangely, I'm very pleased both you and Nick have said this. Reflective of the stop-start time spent with the script, I would expect nothing different. Everytime I sat down I wanted it to be worthwhile, I wanted to introduce the new characters, and more so, pin-point Parnuis. Excitement, perhaps? I'm notorious for preaching pacing/storytelling and here I was breaking the rule behind the scenes.

To me, It's the failure to yet to introduce the main protaginist, which has made for the reading to somewhat float on the surface without much cohesiveness.

The premise of these 19 pages, will not necessarily be the beginning. I wouldn't dare introduce three versions of a Character so early. (Take that hand-slap back, Nick!) They will be fleshed, and elaborated. The vines will intertwine. This is why I proposed this as a Skeleton. One now, which is yearning for a steady, well nutured spine. This is why I purposed put "Introduction" rather than "First draft".

More importantly, both of you have thought Masilla to be magical, dark, and the two comparisons are right on the nose.

Nick, you mentioned not yet introducing the world. Establishing it for what it is. That's exactly what I needed to hear. It's only suggestive as of yet that it's magical/surreal. Although, there was no hope the 19 pages would stay as they are, I'm glad you mentioned not taking it for granted. It's something, if I couldn't find the time, I may have overlooked.

I'm extremely pleased the Characters have carried enough potency to carry importance/interest of their own accord.

Thanks again for reading. I know it's tough to offer any real critique on an introduction. But regardless, you've given me alot to think about.

Cheers, gentlemen.

Dude, awesome, your first feature screenplay is an exciting endeavor!

Have you fleshed-out the entire story out on The Board? Or, at least an outline? Not just a general outline, but specific, scene-by-scene? Every single scene should be well thought-out, before you start writing the script. I know it's sometimes exciting to just write what's in your skull, but you gotta force yourself to slow down. Effective screenwriting has it's own preproduction, er... prewriting.

Cheers, CF.

Like I said, I haven't had the time to put everything I have into the screenplay as of yet. More an hour here, twenty-five minutes there. Hence why it's spots of Character, and suggestion. I just haven't been able to find the time. I work at it with a guilty conscious, it's not priority for us at the minute. So it feels awfully selfish to pursue it.

However, with my Writers cap on. I think it's about time I give this my attention for a while.

I'm opposed to having too much preparation. As of now, I have around 15 pages of notes, ideas, routes the story can take. Full Character bios for each character. Moodboards. That is with minimal effort. I revise every time I write anything new, (I mentioned this in a previous thread about writing styles) But I'll be well prepared come the end. If I'm spending as much time now, that I hope. Then it'll be full throttle.

I wouldn't dare do anything but. I don't see my work as a "Screenplay" until it's ready for screen. So I write, with my notes, with my planned roads to take. But, if they change whilst writing, then they change, and I adapt. I work with the idea until it's the finished product. Then, it becomes a screenplay. (Then I usually stress for months in prepartion and polshing)

It's reassuring that the first cough, in a long, treacherous Flu has gained some interest. I massively appreciate it.

Cheers, amigos.

Is it only me or is page 8 (7 on the script) unreadable?

Very weird. I've clicked on the doc again and now I have another version. In the 1st version I had there was no scene in St Bartholders. They crossed a tunnel en route to the school and it was fast forward a few years.

I've just reuploaded after cutting and chopping. It's too much of an ask to request much from the random scenes/notes presented.

Turns out I've got a little more to do than I expected with PTP, so I'll be a little busier over the next four weeks.

However, I'll keep the (reuploaded) material up for the sake of the folk that were wondering what on earth we were talking about.

@Theodbernacious It's very likely that it was unreadable. I uploaded a notepad of jottings and scribble in haste. Thanks for reading, man. I really appreciate it.

Theodebernacius said:

Very weird. I've clicked on the doc again and now I have another version. In the 1st version I had there was no scene in St Bartholders. The crossed a tunnel en route to the school and it was fast forward a few years.

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Typing at the same time, again. Sorry, man!

I don't think I had the same version as the others. Mine didn't have any scene with the Marthorders.

Looks like a very ambitious project.

I didn't get the magical thing as much as the others. To me it looked like a political thriller set in a fictional 19th century England.

Because of the nonlinear storytelling, it could be the kind of movies you need to watch twice, which is not a bad thing.

I don't know how long you can go without throwing the audience something to hold on to. Nick mentioned the beginning of "Boardwalk Empire", which I'm not familiar with. I remember the beginning of "Twin Peaks" when it first aired in the 80ies. Lynch kept introducing one weird character after another. It was perplexing, you didn't know where it would go. It was part of the excitement. But at least we had this brutal murder to be solved. It was presented from the very start. It was the central axis around which everything else revolved.

In most scenes in the script, you do get some information although you don't understand everything. But the scene with May, Penelope and Marianne, I didn't get anything from it. It was too cryptic for me.

I think you've managed to establish a pretty sinister and intriguing atmosphere.

I re-uploaded an updated version, and you where the lucky guy to catch it first. Thanks for the kind words.

I can see the comparison with "Twin Peaks". But, this is more so a factor of time-spent, rather than the aim for the finished product. Now I have the time, the story will take shape.

May is a huge character (Taken from a Short-film we've got in the works, called "The Bat, The Bird, and The Blind) She is going to be a key-player. I want her introduction to be subtle. She's effectively the character the audience will hold on to. They'll relate to her, more so than any other character. She's normality in what will be, a daunting, sub-reality.

There will be a strong, sinister edge that will run throughout. Parnuis, for the most part, at the forefront. His antics in striving for the "Ideal Masilla", will, undoubtedly, be interrupted. May, effectively "leading" the uproar, and going along with the adventure that comes with it.

Politics is a piece on a chessboard. The citizens are numbers, there to manipulate.

There's alot to think about. It's most definitely adventurous, and ambitious. I am in no way hoping to make this within the next five years. It's not in our plans. We won't be able to muster the budget.

However, it'll be there when we can.

It's perculiar to post something before you've even started working on it. But I'm at ease with the folk on this forum. It's like walking out to greet your neighbours in your PJ's. I've got alot of responsibilities with PTP, and a feature takes a massive amount of effort. So it was more a question of, "Should I do it?".